THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY FROM HALLMARK

The One that Got Away from Hallmark

By Andrew Malekoff© 2011

I subscribe to a few magazines for leisurely reading. Occasionally, mail order catalogues addressed to me arrive in the mail. Usually, I throw them out. There are a few catalogs, however that I do thumb through, like the one that I get from L.L. Bean.

None of the mail order catalogs I get these days are as appealing as the Johnson Smith Company catalog that I got when I was a boy. It was a small booklet with colorful illustrations and descriptions of jokes, pranks, collectibles and unusual items. Back in the day, I spent hours pouring through my Johnson Smith catalog imagining what pranks I could play on friends and family.

As each April Fools’ Day approaches, I am reminded of my Johnson Smith days. I was wondering if they still printed a catalog. So I searched the Internet and I found an online catalog with a heading that read: "Things You Never Knew Existed...and other items you can't POSSIBLY live without." I clicked on the link for gags and in a flash I was ten again.

As I scrolled and clicked my way through the online catalog I found a rubber mouse, double-barrel shotgun lighter, flushing toilet bank, gnarly teeth, a Zombie Handbook and more than a few risqué unmentionables. When I clicked on the picture that accompanied each item, I was taken to cleverly-worded descriptions, no doubt aimed at the discernable pre-teen consumer.

For example, there was a Smoking Donkey Cigarette Dispenser. The description said: “Fill the plastic pack mule with 24 regular size cigarettes (not kings). Press his ears back, then down, and he dispenses the cigarettes one at a time from under his tail!” And, there was a disclaimer that read, “Although we do not encourage the use of tobacco products, the Smoking Donkey is a remnant of a bygone era and intended to be a collectible.” What, to display alongside one’s Lladro collection?

Another featured product was a Bible Flask that was advertised as “More Than Meets the Eye!” The ad went on to say: “The good book giveth like never before. A four-ounce stainless steel flask is hidden inside what looks like a classic King James Bible.” This item also included a disclaimer: “WARNING: Not for children under three years.” Does that mean that the Bible Flask is suitable for the kindergarten crowd?

When I was 10-years-old I could read that catalog endlessly. I think it contributed to my developing a pretty good sense of humor.
I think April Fools’ Day is the only holiday that explicitly celebrates having a sense of humor and yet schools and businesses don’t close down. I’m glad that Hallmark didn’t hijack April Fools’ Day and pressure us into another concocted card, gift and expensive restaurant holiday. For April 1st, all you need is a sense of fun and an active imagination.

There are web pages devoted to kid-friendly suggestions for having fun with your family on April 1st. One is written by Kate Goodin who offers lots of ideas. For example, for the kid who checks his e-mail first thing every morning, she suggests parents “put part of a post-it note over the tracking ball on a computer mouse -- it won't work! (Make sure to write ‘April Fools!’ on the note).”

Having an official day that is devoted, each year, to celebrating humor, no matter how juvenile, is more important than we know in these serious and troubling times. So, here’s to April Fools’ Day; the one day, as Mark Twain famously said, that “we are reminded of what we are on the other three-hundred-and-sixty-four.”

To be published in the Anton chain of 18 Long Island, NY newspapers in March 2011.