“Building Men for Others”
Andrew Malekoff © 2011
Schoolyards, playing fields, gymnasiums, vacant lots, street corners, makeshift clubhouses, and stoops were but a few of the special places of my boyhood. These were the platforms upon which the richest of memories, sweet and sour, were built. In later years, it has been the countless hours of my work with groups of boys at North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center that have been most evocative of those special places and times. The associated images and scenarios provide me, at each memorable stop, with a visceral reminder of my earliest struggles to belong, to feel special, and to be valued.
I can vividly recall the year-long struggle, at age 10, in trying to scale the grammar school roof; a rite of passage. There was the repeated disappointment in falling short and the intermittent beat of humiliating taunts by the older boys. However, what sticks with me even more is the image of dangling arms from above, my friends reaching out for my outstretched hand: a majestically simple gesture that captured the mutuality upon which our time together would be permanently rooted.
William Pollack, in his book Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, wrote about boys helping out boys and the importance of them having peers on which to lean. In Season of Life, journalist David Marx developed this theme from an unusual vantage point that is most often associated with what many think of as modern-day gladiator culture - football.
Marx wrote about a season that he spent with a private high school football team in Maryland led by two unconventional coaches, Joe Ehrmann and Biff Poggi. The coaches’ mission with the boys on their team was “to build men for others” by helping the boys develop empathic and nurturing relationships and helping them to commit themselves to causes greater than themselves. Their core lesson was that success was measured by what kind of friends, brothers, husbands, and fathers the boys would become; versus surrendering to attributes of false masculinity comprised exclusively of athletic prowess, sexual conquest, and economic success.
If we hope to raise our boys to become stable, secure, successful, happy, principled, courageous, and inspired men with meaningful relationships in their lives, we must be prepared to attend to their unique needs. Boys emulate what they observe. If what they see is emotional distance, extreme competition, guardedness, and coldness between men, they are prone to copy that behavior. Boys need to be encouraged to initiate friendships, maintain them, and experience and resolve the conflicts that arise in male friendship. Being a part of a group - a club or a team, for example - with sound adult leadership is an ideal arena for learning how to build relationships, negotiate differences and resolve conflicts.
Boys need permission to have an internal world of feelings, peer and adult support to help them to express a full range of emotions, and models of manhood that exemplify emotional attachment. Boys also need to see that physical toughness and stoicism, as stand-alone attributes, are narrow indicators of male strength. They need to see that emotional courage is as genuine an item as physical courage, and that empathy is a source of strength and a foundation for lasting relationships.
Anton newspapers, Long Island, NY, July 2011.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The Children's Center
The Children’s Center
Andrew Malekoff © 2011
Among the casualties in the latest round of Governor Andrew Cuomo’s budget cuts is a network of child-care centers based in family courts across New York State that offer safe havens for children. The Children’s Center in Nassau County Family Court is operated by North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center and is rated among the top utilized Children’s Centers statewide, according to the New York State Unified Court System.
The Children’s Center is a place where parents who cannot afford child care can leave their children, from ages 6 weeks to 12 years, as they await court appearances. The philosophy of the children’s center is to offer a two-pronged approach for children: quality drop-in child-care services while their parents attend to court business, and a place where families can learn about and gain access to vital services.
Despite consistently high marks for the Children’s Center in Nassau County Family Court, its future is uncertain. Here are the facts on some of the benefits of the Center:
1. In 2010, the Children’s Center took care of almost 2200 children;
2. The Children’s Center was accessible to all families seeking to use the Center 99.5% of the time;
3. Ninety-nine percent of families utilizing the Children’s Center have a household income of less than $25,000 dollars annually;
4. The three most frequent referrals for families utilizing the Children’s Center were to: Child Health Plus (health insurance), Food Stamps, and WIC (a federally-funded health and nutrition program for women, infants and children);
The result of curtailing this service, according to a recent report by the New York Law Journal, is increased stress for at-risk children and their families, decreased family court efficiency and reduced access to legal services for women.
In addition to quality child care, the Children’s Center provides a literacy-rich environment for children. Studies demonstrate that children in low-income families are eight times more likely to read to and share books with their young children when provided with books and encouragement. Since 2006, the Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court has distributed more than 26,000 free books to children as part of the federal Reading is Fundamental Program.
At the Guidance Center, our mission is to restore and strengthen the emotional well-being of children and families. At the Children’s Center, we provide opportunities to enhance vulnerable children’s lives in many ways. The Children’s Center offers a safe haven in a stressful environment, worthwhile things for kids to do, peace of mind for parents awaiting their court appearances, valuable health- and nutrition-related resource information and referrals for families, plus a chance to reduce their court-involvement in the future.
If you are interested in seeing the Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court survive, write to your local state legislator and attach a copy of this column.
Originally published in the Anton newspaper chain, Long Island, NY, 29, 2011
Andrew Malekoff © 2011
Among the casualties in the latest round of Governor Andrew Cuomo’s budget cuts is a network of child-care centers based in family courts across New York State that offer safe havens for children. The Children’s Center in Nassau County Family Court is operated by North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center and is rated among the top utilized Children’s Centers statewide, according to the New York State Unified Court System.
The Children’s Center is a place where parents who cannot afford child care can leave their children, from ages 6 weeks to 12 years, as they await court appearances. The philosophy of the children’s center is to offer a two-pronged approach for children: quality drop-in child-care services while their parents attend to court business, and a place where families can learn about and gain access to vital services.
Despite consistently high marks for the Children’s Center in Nassau County Family Court, its future is uncertain. Here are the facts on some of the benefits of the Center:
1. In 2010, the Children’s Center took care of almost 2200 children;
2. The Children’s Center was accessible to all families seeking to use the Center 99.5% of the time;
3. Ninety-nine percent of families utilizing the Children’s Center have a household income of less than $25,000 dollars annually;
4. The three most frequent referrals for families utilizing the Children’s Center were to: Child Health Plus (health insurance), Food Stamps, and WIC (a federally-funded health and nutrition program for women, infants and children);
The result of curtailing this service, according to a recent report by the New York Law Journal, is increased stress for at-risk children and their families, decreased family court efficiency and reduced access to legal services for women.
In addition to quality child care, the Children’s Center provides a literacy-rich environment for children. Studies demonstrate that children in low-income families are eight times more likely to read to and share books with their young children when provided with books and encouragement. Since 2006, the Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court has distributed more than 26,000 free books to children as part of the federal Reading is Fundamental Program.
At the Guidance Center, our mission is to restore and strengthen the emotional well-being of children and families. At the Children’s Center, we provide opportunities to enhance vulnerable children’s lives in many ways. The Children’s Center offers a safe haven in a stressful environment, worthwhile things for kids to do, peace of mind for parents awaiting their court appearances, valuable health- and nutrition-related resource information and referrals for families, plus a chance to reduce their court-involvement in the future.
If you are interested in seeing the Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court survive, write to your local state legislator and attach a copy of this column.
Originally published in the Anton newspaper chain, Long Island, NY, 29, 2011
REBIRTH
REBIRTH
Andrew Malekoff © 2011
I was privileged to be at a pre-release screening of the extraordinary feature-length documentary film called Rebirth at Hofstra University in June. In just two months, you can see it too.
Rebirth’s theatrical premiere will be held on August 31, at the IFC Center in New York City and on SHOWTIME on the 10th anniversary commemoration of September 11, 2001.
Rebirth follows the transformation of five people, over the last 10 years, whose lives were forever altered on that day. Aside from some brief footage depicting the day that the towers fell, to set the stage, the focus of the film is almost exclusively on the life trajectory of these five people.
The film-makers, led by director Jim Whitaker, introduce us to Tanya, a young woman who lost her fiancé; Nick, a teenaged boy who lost his mother; Tim, a firefighter who lost all of his friends; Brian, a construction worker who lost his brother; and Ling, a woman who was badly burned in the attack on the Twin Towers.
At the emotional core of the film is Tanya, a young woman who lost her fiancé, Sergio, a New York City firefighter. Tanya bares her grief with such authenticity that viewers are riveted to her every word and expression.
Nick was 15-years old when his mother died. A few years after the tragedy he became estranged from his father, who remarried, adding a complication to Nick’s grief. The openness with which Nick expresses his sadness and anger, offers us a rare window into an adolescent boy’s grieving.
Tim and Brian, offer the perspective of two men who lost, respectively, a best friend and a brother. Complicating Tim’s grief is his forthright feelings of survivor’s guilt, reminiscent of a soldier at war struggling with the loss of his fallen comrades. Brian offers another angle, with his touching reflection on how heartbreaking it is for him when he sees other brothers doing simple things together, like shopping at Home Depot.
Last but not least is Ling, who experienced a different kind of loss. She was badly burned over her right arm and the right side of her face and endured 40 surgeries over the intervening years. Ling offers us a multi-layered perspective of her pain, despair, resignation, hope and resilience. I found Ling to be a heroic figure who handled herself with grace, dignity and humor throughout her ordeal.
The sixth “character” in the film is Ground Zero itself. The film-makers, via multi-camera time-lapse photography, artfully tracked the evolution of the space where the Twin Towers once stood over lower Manhattan. Film-goers will be treated to this visual marvel and signs of rebirth and growth in segments that are interspersed throughout the interviews.
Rebirth is not a political movie, although some reviewers criticized the absence of a political voice in the film. I strongly disagree. The film was made to tell the story of loss, healing, hope, growth and resiliency in the context of one of the most horrifying chapters in American history. The film does that and much more. The lessons about complicated grief presented to us by Tim, Tanya, Brian, Ling and Nick transcend 9/11.
The film has an afterlife – it stays with you for weeks and you want to talk about it. Rebirth is a film best viewed with others. I would not recommend it for children under 13 years of age. If you have older adolescents in your life, watch it together and talk about it with them.
See Rebirth! You won’t regret it and you won’t forget it.
To be published in Anton Newspapers, Long Island New York, August 18, 2011
Andrew Malekoff © 2011
I was privileged to be at a pre-release screening of the extraordinary feature-length documentary film called Rebirth at Hofstra University in June. In just two months, you can see it too.
Rebirth’s theatrical premiere will be held on August 31, at the IFC Center in New York City and on SHOWTIME on the 10th anniversary commemoration of September 11, 2001.
Rebirth follows the transformation of five people, over the last 10 years, whose lives were forever altered on that day. Aside from some brief footage depicting the day that the towers fell, to set the stage, the focus of the film is almost exclusively on the life trajectory of these five people.
The film-makers, led by director Jim Whitaker, introduce us to Tanya, a young woman who lost her fiancé; Nick, a teenaged boy who lost his mother; Tim, a firefighter who lost all of his friends; Brian, a construction worker who lost his brother; and Ling, a woman who was badly burned in the attack on the Twin Towers.
At the emotional core of the film is Tanya, a young woman who lost her fiancé, Sergio, a New York City firefighter. Tanya bares her grief with such authenticity that viewers are riveted to her every word and expression.
Nick was 15-years old when his mother died. A few years after the tragedy he became estranged from his father, who remarried, adding a complication to Nick’s grief. The openness with which Nick expresses his sadness and anger, offers us a rare window into an adolescent boy’s grieving.
Tim and Brian, offer the perspective of two men who lost, respectively, a best friend and a brother. Complicating Tim’s grief is his forthright feelings of survivor’s guilt, reminiscent of a soldier at war struggling with the loss of his fallen comrades. Brian offers another angle, with his touching reflection on how heartbreaking it is for him when he sees other brothers doing simple things together, like shopping at Home Depot.
Last but not least is Ling, who experienced a different kind of loss. She was badly burned over her right arm and the right side of her face and endured 40 surgeries over the intervening years. Ling offers us a multi-layered perspective of her pain, despair, resignation, hope and resilience. I found Ling to be a heroic figure who handled herself with grace, dignity and humor throughout her ordeal.
The sixth “character” in the film is Ground Zero itself. The film-makers, via multi-camera time-lapse photography, artfully tracked the evolution of the space where the Twin Towers once stood over lower Manhattan. Film-goers will be treated to this visual marvel and signs of rebirth and growth in segments that are interspersed throughout the interviews.
Rebirth is not a political movie, although some reviewers criticized the absence of a political voice in the film. I strongly disagree. The film was made to tell the story of loss, healing, hope, growth and resiliency in the context of one of the most horrifying chapters in American history. The film does that and much more. The lessons about complicated grief presented to us by Tim, Tanya, Brian, Ling and Nick transcend 9/11.
The film has an afterlife – it stays with you for weeks and you want to talk about it. Rebirth is a film best viewed with others. I would not recommend it for children under 13 years of age. If you have older adolescents in your life, watch it together and talk about it with them.
See Rebirth! You won’t regret it and you won’t forget it.
To be published in Anton Newspapers, Long Island New York, August 18, 2011
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