A FROZEN MOMENT

Andrew Malekoff

Three years ago on a bright September morning, my wife Dale phoned me at my office in Roslyn Heights to tell me about something disturbing that had just happened to her. It was a few days before the Jewish New Year when our family comes together.  

Dale and I both grew up in New Jersey. We relocated permanently to Long Island after we were married in 1980. We raised our children here. She has been teaching art to high school students at the Hebrew Academy of Five Towns and Rockaway, a Yeshiva in Cedarhurst, for close to 35 years.

This is the story she told to me.

She had been shopping at King Kullen in Island Park, about a mile-and-a-half from our home in Long Beach. She was standing in a checkout line unloading a shopping cart full of groceries on to the conveyer belt.

A large man stepped up to wait in line behind her. He had only a few items in a smaller hand-held basket. He seemed agitated; she said she thought it was because he’d have to wait.

Trying to be helpful, she pointed out to him that a cashier had just opened another register just a few aisles away and that there was no one standing in that line.

The man didn’t react. He just stood there, muttering under his breath, appearing to be dissatisfied with the pace of the transaction in front of him.

In my wife’s basket were a number of items for cooking and baking traditional foods for the holidays: brisket, chicken, soup greens, matzo ball mix, and so forth.

Also in the basket were four Yahrzeit candles that we light each year at this time to remember our parents, three of whom died in the 1990’s, all well before their 80^th birthdays. My mother-in-law Ida was the only one who made it past the age of 80.

The man continued mumbling under his breath and, finally, he said out loud: "You know the ovens are still open."

It was a frozen moment. The checkout girl and Dale just looked at one another. It was one of those surreal moments that can leave one feeling momentarily numb.

There was no physical altercation, no yelling, no overt anger. But, in my view, it was every bit of a violent moment.

As she recounted her experience she said, “I wish you were there with me.” I thought about that. Had I been there I’m not sure what I would have done. Initiated a physical confrontation?  Shouted him down? Assessed him as mentally disturbed and ignored him? Calmly asked him, “What do you mean by that?” I’ll never know for sure. 

What I do know is that anti-Semitism is alive and well.

My wife’s disturbing experience, on the eve of our High Holy Days was a fleeting yet indelibly shocking moment and reminder of how close to the surface anti-Semitism is, particularly in our increasingly divided nation our children are inheriting. 

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visitwww.northshorechildguidance.org.

For publication in Theislandnow.com

REACH OUT AND REMEMBER

Andrew Malekoff

In the aftermath of the 17th anniversary of 9/11 I offer a remembrance of several groups of people – all Queens, NY court personnel - whom I spent a day with in their courthouse, just three days after the 2001 terrorist attack.

The people I met with included individuals with missing relatives or friends, individuals with relatives or friends confirmed dead, individuals who were in the World Trade Center complex during the attack, individuals with family members who barely escaped, and individuals who witnessed the attack and collapse of the Twin Towers from courthouse windows. All were deeply affected. Most were in a state of shock and disbelief.

When I arrived at the courthouse after getting off at the Jamaica stop of the Long Island Railroad, I learned that I would be meeting with three groups of 8 to 12 people each. I was called in by an official from an Employee Assistance Program to offer a supportive group experience. We met in a vacant courtroom. I arranged chairs around two adjacent prosecution and defense tables.

As I awaited the first group a court officer said, “Today should be interesting.” I asked him what he meant. He said, “It’s foreclosure Friday.” He explained that every Friday they have an auction of foreclosed property and, typically, about 200 Arab-Americans participate in the auction, signaling a sense of mounting unease with people of Middle Eastern descent.

I greeted the first group, and one by one the participants revealed signs and symptoms of trauma and stress. These included numbness, shock, headaches, loss of appetite, aches and pains, frequent trips to the bathroom, sleeplessness, flashbacks, startle responses to loud noises (especially airplanes), helplessness, gruesome nightmares, anger, uncertainty, guilt and fear.

Fear was a powerful theme. Many felt that the courthouse was unsafe. During the final group meeting a female court officer walked in unannounced and searched for explosives, explaining that there had been a bomb threat.

At least one or two people wept openly in each group, women and men. In each group at least one person left the room to compose themselves and then came back. More than one person said, “I can’t stop crying.” And more than one said, “I can’t cry.”

Anger was a prevailing theme. There was anger at the government. “How could they let this happen?” they asked.

Many shared feelings of disbelief, saying how surreal it all seems. One said, “I am in a semi-daze; I feel like I am not even here.”

Guilt was prevalent, especially about going on with mundane day-to-day activities. A court officer said he felt insignificant, like “a grain of sand.” He said he felt helpless and wondered if he was going crazy.

The loss of innocence was best expressed by a group member who lamented, “Aren’t our children entitled to the life we enjoyed?”

One group participant’s son escaped from the 78^th floor. He took the stairs. His co-workers waited for the elevator. They didn’t survive. The son’s story was retold by his mother through sobs. When he emerged from the building, she shared, he witnessed “flaming bodies falling from the sky.” Two others held her hands as she told the story.

In each group people reached out to comfort one another through physical touch and understanding words. In one group a woman who said she couldn’t understand why she hadn’t cried was brought to tears by another’s pain over a missing sister.

In closing, the participants in one group agreed that “it’s good to know you’re not alone,” and “it’s good to know you’re not going crazy.”

I found the intensity of that experience and the participants’ ability to reach out to one another moving.

Although I was there to facilitate, my role was to bear witness. It confirmed for me what I was already feeling; when facing incomprehensible tragedy and overwhelming grief we must push ourselves to forgo isolation and reach out to one another.

Another September to reach out and remember.

Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

Published in the Long Island Weekly, September 12, 2018:  https://longislandweekly.com/reach-out-and-remember-september-11/

                                                                                                        

RESPECTING THE DIGNITY OF THE WORKING PERSON

Andrew Malekoff

By now I imagine you’ve heard all about The Cosby Show actor Geoffrey Owens who was job-shamed for working at Trader Joe’s. If you haven’t heard or just to refresh: A customer recognized him, snapped a few unflattering photos of him bagging potatoes and sold it to a tabloid news outlet that gave it a derisive can-you-believe-what-he’s-doing-now hook. If you are a parent, this is a great story to share and discuss with your kids. If you are a young person still in school it is an important lesson to absorb, store away and preserve so you can come back to it. You might find that you will need it one day.

Although the Yale graduate Owens admitted to feeling humiliated by being exposed in such a disdainful manner, he said that he was not embarrassed about having a side job at Trader Joe’s and that many working actors need to supplement their income to help support themselves and their families. Social media picked up his cause, which led to myriad media appearances and a viral social media presence. He used the opportunity to give voice to the dignity of work.

Here is what he said about that in a September 4 Time Magazine video interview: “The fact that I, as the guy from The Cosby Show, was shamed about working at Trader Joe’s, that story is going to move on, that’s gonna pass. What I hope doesn’t pass is this new recognition, this current sensitivity people are feeling about work and about people working. I hope what continues to resonate is the idea that one job is not better than another. A certain job might pay more, might have better benefits and might look better on paper, but essentially one kind of work is not better, superior to another kind of work and that we re-evaluate that whole idea and we just start honoring the dignity of work and respecting the dignity of the working person.”

Ironically, Owens’ job shaming experience led to thousands of tributes on Twitter, a new acting job with producer-director Tyler Perry and offers of cash gifts from celebrities like rapper Nicki Minaj, all of whom were so moved by Owens.

I found the story to be personally uplifting; and, not because Owens benefited with renewed notoriety and a promising new acting job, but because of his humanity and the dignity he displayed in representing working stiffs all across America, regardless of their stripe or station in life.

Bravo Geoffrey Owens. Well done!

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. You can see the Time interview with Geoffrey Owens here: http://amp.timeinc.net/time/5385842/geoffrey-owens-cosby-show-actor-grocery-store-speaks-out?__twitter_impression=true

This article will appear in TheIslandWeekly.com

LOOK AT WHERE WE HAVE COM

By Andrew Malekoff

If you haven’t been initiated just yet, the twitterspere is a fascinating place on the Internet populated by all kinds of people, from your neighbors to local shopkeepers to your long lost cousin to your favorite film actress to world leaders.

By Twittersphere or Twitterverse I refer to postings made on the social media website Twitter, considered collectively.

At any given moment in time postings might include news of the day, personal reflections, political leanings and gleanings, conspiracy theories, calls for social action, fond memories, jokes and riddles, aphorisms, recipes, links to music, film and book reviews, humorous gifs (animated or static images) and much more.

Some posters have millions of followers. Others have less than 10. Anyone can participate by posting or just by scrolling and reading.

If you wish you can respond to posts. You can approve or disapprove of what someone else wrote. Or simply add your own voice to a discussion.

If you do decide to post, beware: there are trolls in the twittersphere. Wikipedia defines a troll as “a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the Internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous, or off-topic messages with the intent of provoking readers into displaying emotional responses whether for the troll's amusement or a specific gain.”

Fortunately, not every person who responds is a troll. Many are thoughtful and respectful and only interested in expanding a conversation.

Just the other day I was on Twitter and found a discussion about the beginning of the school year. The opening tweet was written on August 22 by a mom from Las Vegas who goes by the handle, @CandaceToddLV: “It’s the 8th day of the school year & I just received a call from my daughters high school informing me they arrested a child with a loaded 9mm gun on campus this morning. I am now standing in my kitchen sobbing. I should not have to live like this. @MomsDemand ”

Candace’s post drew a significant response. Almost 90,000 people “liked” her post and more than 1,700 people responded. One response was written by @marci6687 from Florida who replied, “While absolutely not as scary as your situation, in our 8th day as well we are on our 4th written threat and 5th day of controlled or alert campus.”

Another response was sent by @rememberpink1: “My heart bleeds for you. I had two nephews & a niece at Sandy Hook. As an aunt the pain & fear & anger was unexplainable. It STILL is. And I wasn’t their mother. I stand strong w/ you. I fear every day my kids are in school. We shouldn’t have to fear. THEY shouldn’t have to fear.”

Many of the responses, which I will not share here fed into a debate on gun control, politics and the NRA.

One guy @joe1lane1 wrote, “My wife (school teacher) was in bed when I got home. Asked, “rough day?”  She said they had to do training on stopping wounds, suicides and other things. It wears her out emotionally. Educators are true “Heroes” in this country and get nowhere near the credit they deserve!”

My wife is a teacher as well. As I’m writing this she is on her way to her second day of school. She too will be participating in a similar training today. This has become the new normal.

In a few weeks at my agency North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center our staff members will be participating in an “active shooter” training.

Look at where we have come.

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visitwww.northshorechildguidance.org. You can also visit: momsdemandaction.org, a grassroots movement of Americans demand reasonable solutions to address our nation’s culture of gun violence, that Candace tagged @MomsDemand in her opening tweet.

Published in TheIslandNow.com August 31, 2018 - https://theislandnow.com/opinions-100/kids-first-look-at-where-we-have-come/