Although I’ve written before
about bullying, in this space, none of my experiences or research prepared me
for my friend Patty Underwood’s reflections about walking the streets of New
York with her teenage daughter Jordan, an incredibly talented theater student from
the Boston-area. I had the pleasure to
meet Jordan on a trip to Boston, a few months before she departed for New York
City to begin her freshman year at NYU.
Patty’s story, painstakingly
recalled and beautifully reported, will surely touch many a raw nerve. Her
story requires no editorial comment from me, which would only contaminate an
intimate experience that speaks for itself. Patty granted me permission to
share her story with you, my readers. Patty
told me, “Walking with Jordan allowed me
to be in her shoes. I heard her talk about this experience before, but it was
the first time I really experienced it.” She added, “Jordan is all for letting
people hear her story.”
Patty
Underwood: “As we walked to the MOMA, I glared at the middle aged woman who was
looking at my 19-year old daughter like she was the circus fat woman. The woman
appeared to be with her own thin teenagers; as she glanced at them, her face
seemed to be mixed with wonder and disgust. I could feel the judgement exuding
from her eyeballs, and the anger in me surged back with fire in my eyes. On the
next block a group of construction workers smirked and cat-called. Then the teenagers
wearing tiny belly-revealing tank tops gawked at her tummy that also peaked
out.
Every NYC block
we walked brought eyes that bore holes in my daughter's body and I was feeling
a mix of distress, rage, worry, and pure exhaustion. How the hell does someone
survive the unrelenting visual persecution and surging negative energy? By the
end of the day, I wanted to crawl under a rock and it wasn't even me that was
at the receiving end of this attack. My daughter kept saying, "what's
wrong? ; "Do you not want to be here?"; "You seem distant."
I told her I was just tired from the long day in the city.
Truthfully, I
was trying to swallow the impact of her walking out the door every day. How
does she do it? Who is there to protect her? What is this doing to her brain? I
felt paralyzed by witnessing humanity try to crush my daughter's spirit. At one
point I suggested that maybe she no show so much cleavage; and she railed back,
"Oh, just because I have big boobs it's okay to comment about them? As a
social worker, mom, you should know better. What, are you now going to say that
women who get raped asked for it!?"
We continued to
walk, her with her head high and mine stuck down avoidant of the imminent look.
My daughter, it seems, has come to terms with the battle she faces when she
walks out the door. "Mom, if you weren't here, I would respond, tell them
to f*** off." I am reminded of the practice she has had at facing the
bullying since middle school. And the barrier it created; and the friends who
love her unconditionally. And the dance teachers who see the beauty in how her
body moves. And the 10k likes she got on Tumbler after posting a video of her
dancing.
And Ashley won
project runway and plus-size models are walking the runways and appearing in
fashion magazines and Ashley won Project Runway. [Ashley Tipton is a
24-year-old clothing designer.] She is an amazing woman who is advocating for
the underprivileged and the eradication of all types of discrimination. Yes,
she's a fighter, fiercely protective of those whose human rights are under
attack, passionate, creative, funny, singer, actor, dancer, black belt
carrying, plus-sized and beautiful. Jordan is all this and more.”
Thank you Patty
and Jordan.
Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive
Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides
comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and
their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.
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