No Refuge

No Refuge
Andrew Malekoff © 2011

There are more than one-million documented episodes of domestic violence in the United States each year. In Nassau County over 16,000 domestic violence calls were reported to the police one year ago. Nevertheless, only 25% of domestic violence incidents are reported to the police, according to a 2009 report by the Children’s Defense Fund. The collateral damage in these violent encounters is three to ten million child witnesses who feel alone and vulnerable.

What is domestic violence? It is an abusive pattern of behavior that is used by one intimate partner to gain control over another. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats that influence a partner. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, terrorize, threaten or hurt an intimate partner. Although there is a higher incidence of domestic violence against women, men are also victims of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a community problem that, according to Jim Morin of the Wakefield Alliance against Violence in Massachusetts, “fills our emergency rooms and our morgues…keeps employees from being able to work…makes children fearful and interferes with their ability to learn… contributes to crime on our streets [and] destroys homes and families.”

Children of all ages who witness domestic violence may show signs of crying, irritability, aggressiveness, sleep disturbances, bedwetting, nightmares, digestive problems and developmental delays. These are children who are more likely than their peers from non-violent homes to commit suicide, abuse drugs and alcohol, be unemployed or, later in their lives, to commit violence against their own partners.

For children living in violent homes there is no refuge. There are only adults - terrifying abusers and terrified victims - locked in a perpetual cycle of violence, who are emotionally unavailable and incapable of offering protection. Although children are innocent bystanders, they often feel that they are to blame for the brutality that they witness in their homes. They then carry the shame and self-hatred that blaming oneself generates.

Children who witness violence need to learn how to keep safe when a violent incident happens and need to be clear that they did not cause their parents’ problems and the violence that ensues. They need to understand that they are victims. They need to know that being a child is important and that it is their job to play, learn and make friends, versus attempting to prevent, defuse or repair a violent relationship between adults in their lives. If you know a child who lives in violent home, you can help.

According to Lundy Bancroft, author of “Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse,” if you know children who are suffering from exposure to violence you can ask them how they are feeling, name possible feelings for them if they cannot name them, reinforce what they tell you about their exposure to violence (“I know this is hard to talk about. You are so brave and I am so proud of you.”), tell them that it is not their fault and tell them that they are safe when they are with you.

When it becomes necessary to take action, do not confront the alleged
abuser under any circumstances. You are unlikely to stop him. If you initiate a confrontation it will likely lead to retribution against the child for betraying the family’s conspiracy of silence. Consult with local resources that can provide you with expert advice and guidance.

If you know a child who is living in such a home call the Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence 24/7 Hotline at 516-542-0404 and ask for help.

This column was published in the Anton News, Long Island, NY, in May 2011.

When a Child Refuses to Go to School

When a Child Refuses to Go to School
Andrew Malekoff © 2011

Twenty-eight percent of children across the United States refuse to go to school at some time during their school years. In a recent survey of new applications at North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, we found increasing numbers of children who refused to go to school. This was further validated at a meeting that the Guidance Center hosted for counselors, social workers and psychologists from public and private schools throughout Nassau County.

School-refusal behavior is identified, according to the NYU Child Study Center, in boys and girls from 5-17 who: (1) are entirely absent from school, and/or; (2) attend school initially, but leave during the course of the school day, and/or; (3) go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems, and/or (4) exhibit unusual distress during school days and then plead for future absenteeism.

Naturally, the meeting with local school personnel led to speculation on what causes children to refuse to go to school. To no one’s surprise, bullying topped the list. Nevertheless, although bullying is one cause, other issues such as a transition from one school to another; an illness or death in the family; or school-performance problems, also trigger school refusal.

A few things to consider when school-refusal is a problem in your home:

1. Do your best to get your child to school every day. The more a child is allowed to stay home, the harder it will be to get him or her out of the house;
2. You may think that your child is not being honest about feeling poorly in the morning. Try to remember that anxiety can lead to physical symptoms like aches and pains or nausea;
3. Talk to your child and school personnel to see if you can discover what is leading to his or her avoidance of school. It could be bullying or academic problems or social isolation and trouble making friends;
4. Consider consulting with a school guidance, social work or community-based mental health counselor, especially if every morning is a battle; and
5. If there are troubles at home, like a divorce, death in the family, new sibling, or a recent relocation, don’t ignore them. Family therapy can help to sort things out and increase your child’s ability to cope with difficult changes in his or her life.

School-refusal is an issue that we deal with frequently at North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center. Adults – parents, teachers, counselors, coaches – must work together in trying to understand the underlying causes and triggers for a child’s school-avoidance behavior.

By working together – school, community and family - we can be successful in helping fearful or anxious young people to overcome of school-avoidance problems and help them to and return to school and learn, socialize and move forward in their lives.

This column was printed in the Long Island Anton chain of newspapers in April 2011.

PLAYERS TOO QUIET ABOUT HEAD INJURY

Players too quiet about head injury

Andrew Malekoff

NEWSDAY, appearing on March 3, 2011, p. A35

Concussions in sports have reached alarming proportions that is, indeed, more than an NFL problem ["Football's tragic call to tackle head injury," Editorial, Feb. 25]. This is silent epidemic fueled by a gladiator culture.

What can adults who care about kids do to help to break the silence about this public health issue? We must insist that all children, teenagers and their parents be educated early on about the risks, consequences, signs and symptoms of head injury. This should include values education that puts the gladiator play-at-any-cost culture up for inspection, particularly when it comes to contact sports.

Children need alternative models for demonstrating courage and heart - a counterforce to the dangerous and false belief that putting one's well-being in jeopardy when playing a game is noble. Competitive sports involve sacrifice, perseverance, loyalty, honor and courage - all values that will serve one well throughout life. Maintaining a code of silence about a serious head, or other, injury that can lead to lifelong consequences must be deemed unacceptable.

We must demand that those in power in youth, interscholastic and intercollegiate sports protect our children; and we must help our children, from an early age, to think critically and develop the good sense and courage, without shame, to break the silence.

Editor's note: The writer is the executive director of the North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center in Roslyn Heights.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY FROM HALLMARK

The One that Got Away from Hallmark

By Andrew Malekoff© 2011

I subscribe to a few magazines for leisurely reading. Occasionally, mail order catalogues addressed to me arrive in the mail. Usually, I throw them out. There are a few catalogs, however that I do thumb through, like the one that I get from L.L. Bean.

None of the mail order catalogs I get these days are as appealing as the Johnson Smith Company catalog that I got when I was a boy. It was a small booklet with colorful illustrations and descriptions of jokes, pranks, collectibles and unusual items. Back in the day, I spent hours pouring through my Johnson Smith catalog imagining what pranks I could play on friends and family.

As each April Fools’ Day approaches, I am reminded of my Johnson Smith days. I was wondering if they still printed a catalog. So I searched the Internet and I found an online catalog with a heading that read: "Things You Never Knew Existed...and other items you can't POSSIBLY live without." I clicked on the link for gags and in a flash I was ten again.

As I scrolled and clicked my way through the online catalog I found a rubber mouse, double-barrel shotgun lighter, flushing toilet bank, gnarly teeth, a Zombie Handbook and more than a few risqué unmentionables. When I clicked on the picture that accompanied each item, I was taken to cleverly-worded descriptions, no doubt aimed at the discernable pre-teen consumer.

For example, there was a Smoking Donkey Cigarette Dispenser. The description said: “Fill the plastic pack mule with 24 regular size cigarettes (not kings). Press his ears back, then down, and he dispenses the cigarettes one at a time from under his tail!” And, there was a disclaimer that read, “Although we do not encourage the use of tobacco products, the Smoking Donkey is a remnant of a bygone era and intended to be a collectible.” What, to display alongside one’s Lladro collection?

Another featured product was a Bible Flask that was advertised as “More Than Meets the Eye!” The ad went on to say: “The good book giveth like never before. A four-ounce stainless steel flask is hidden inside what looks like a classic King James Bible.” This item also included a disclaimer: “WARNING: Not for children under three years.” Does that mean that the Bible Flask is suitable for the kindergarten crowd?

When I was 10-years-old I could read that catalog endlessly. I think it contributed to my developing a pretty good sense of humor.
I think April Fools’ Day is the only holiday that explicitly celebrates having a sense of humor and yet schools and businesses don’t close down. I’m glad that Hallmark didn’t hijack April Fools’ Day and pressure us into another concocted card, gift and expensive restaurant holiday. For April 1st, all you need is a sense of fun and an active imagination.

There are web pages devoted to kid-friendly suggestions for having fun with your family on April 1st. One is written by Kate Goodin who offers lots of ideas. For example, for the kid who checks his e-mail first thing every morning, she suggests parents “put part of a post-it note over the tracking ball on a computer mouse -- it won't work! (Make sure to write ‘April Fools!’ on the note).”

Having an official day that is devoted, each year, to celebrating humor, no matter how juvenile, is more important than we know in these serious and troubling times. So, here’s to April Fools’ Day; the one day, as Mark Twain famously said, that “we are reminded of what we are on the other three-hundred-and-sixty-four.”

To be published in the Anton chain of 18 Long Island, NY newspapers in March 2011.

BRUTAL TEENS ON LONG ISLAND

Brutal Teens on Long Island

by Andrew Malekoff© February 2011

The title of this month’s column is likely to evoke associations of murder and mayhem. However, don’t be misled; this is not a tale of teens gone bad. It is about our winter of discontent. And, I am not talking about NIFA taking over Nassau County’s finances.

So why the title, you may be wondering. It all started with a series of annoying television messages scrolling across the bottom of the screen. One of them read “…brutal teens on Long Island.” It was a partial message that required the viewer’s waiting for the next scroll-go-round to get more details.

I anticipated reading a horror story about violent or victimized teen-agers. But, when the script scrolled back around, the story flipped and the full message read: “Temperature reaches brutal teens on Long Island.”

So, don’t go any further if you were expecting to read about stabbings, shootings or lunchroom riots. But, do read on if you are interested in spending a few minutes reflecting on our record-breaking Long Island winter.

Let us begin with a psychological phenomenon known as seasonal affective disorder, which is appropriately known as SAD. This is a more serious problem than ordinary “winter blahs” or “cabin fever.” SAD only occurs during the winter and is characterized by depression; decreased energy and concentration; carbohydrate or sugar cravings; decreased interest in work or other activities; increased appetite and sleep; excessive weight gain, and social withdrawal. Although you can seek counseling for SAD or hook up one of those special lamps to mimic sunlight, the good news is that SAD symptoms commonly get better with a change of seasons.

But that’s enough psychobabble from me. This winter stinks! I have never experienced such consistent snowfall in my life. If I wanted to live among the flakes I would have moved to Vermont or Colorado (or to L.A. for the other kind). I don’t dislike snow. It is pretty. I admire the beauty of snow-covered trees on the Taconic and mountains on the New York Thruway as much as the next guy. It makes me happy to see kids sledding, skating, building snowmen, having snowball fights and shoveling snow to make some fast cash - all things that I loved to do as a kid.

On second thought, maybe the extreme snowfall this winter is not so bad. After all, we are all in the same boat. Rather than isolation and withdrawal, excessive snow accumulation and the inconvenience and hardship it creates encourages a sense of community. We commiserated with one another about our cars being plowed in, icy walkways and roads, broken wrists and dented vehicles and, in time, the filthy soot-covered mountains and roadside ridges of snow.

Snow brings us together as a people. We help one another dig out, we lend a hand to frail and elderly neighbors by cleaning their walks and we greet red-faced youngsters with dripping noses with cups of hot cocoa after they spend a pleasurable day of frolicking with friends in the snow. I guess this has been a really joyous winter, after all.

Not!

Published in the Anton Newspaper chain of 18 Long Island newspapers, in February 2011.

PARADE OF BROKEN HEARTS

PARADE OF BROKEN HEARTS

by Andrew Malekoff© January 2011

There will be many reflections about the 2001 terrorist attack on America in the months to come. Following is my reflection on the memorial service at the World Trade Center on October 28, 2001. I attended the service in a group of mental health professionals who offered support for the bereaved.

A chill occurred as the sun disappeared behind the ruins of the World Trade Center. Renee Fleming, accompanied by the orchestra of St. Luke’s, sang God Bless America. I headed for the emergency lane on my way to the boat that would be returning us to the pier on 57th Street, where we would be greeting thousands of mourners who planned to collect urns with ashes from ground zero.

Moments earlier I had said goodbye to the family I stood beside during the memorial service. They sat in the back row of our section, one of scores of sections filled with thousands of folding chairs, each chair occupied by a grieving family member. I stood with my back against an iron gate so I would not block anyone’s view. The family had lost its father and husband, a decorated firefighter. The widow was a slight woman of Italian descent, probably in her late sixties.

Photos of her husband were pinned to her wool coat, and to the coats of her three children. He was handsome. He had a white mustache and a full head of silvery hair, combed straight back. When the memorial service had started, an hour earlier, one of her sons, an off-duty police officer, had asked me to please make sure that no one obstructed his mother’s view. He said, “You can see how short she is.”

The service began with a processional that included His Eminence Edward Cardinal Egan, Archbishop of New York. Then, police officer Daniel Rodriguez of the NYPD sang the Star Spangled Banner. He had become a national presence, by appearing in his dress blues and singing the national anthem at Yankee Stadium before the World Series.

Everyone was on his or her feet. A massive wall of mourners rose around the tiny figure to my right. When I saw her struggling to climb, I took her arm and helped her up onto the folding chair. I told her that she could grab on to me. “Hold on to my shoulders,” I said. She hesitated. “Don’t worry you won’t knock me over,” I told her.

I could feel her trembling as she removed her right hand from my shoulder and fumbled for a tissue inside her coat pocket. I reached into my pants pocket and handed her a handkerchief. When I was picking out my clothes earlier in the morning I had come across several unopened packets of white handkerchiefs. They belonged to my father who had died seven years earlier. As I got dressed, I thought that today my father would want somebody who needed it to have one of his handkerchiefs. At first she refused my offer, not wanting to impose. I urged her, “Please, take it. It’s okay.”

Ten years later, my father’s handkerchiefs remain tucked into my dresser drawer - a daily reminder of when I marched in a parade of broken hearts. Sometimes I close my eyes, think back and try to recall what things felt like before that sunny fall morning at ground zero.

To be published in the Long Island, New York Anton Newspapers in the last week of January, 2011.

STANDING BY OR STANDING UP TO BULLIES

Standing By or Standing Up to Bullies

By Andrew Malekoff ©

My friend, Ralph Kolodny, professor emeritus at Boston University School of Social Work, commented on the brutality of the schoolyard in children’s lives. He said, “we tend to forget the pain that normally characterizes interaction among children. Oddly enough,” he added, “the work of the imaginative journalist or novelist often provides a more accurate picture.”

For example, in Ray Bradbury's short story "The Playground," Charles Underhill, a widower, tried to protect his son from the terror of the schoolyard. Underhill wondered how childhood could be considered the best time of life, when it was the “most terrible, most merciless era, the barbaric time when there were no police to protect you, only parents preoccupied with themselves and their taller world."

Closer to home, four Long Island students - Gavin, Maria, Jake and Sam – had the guts to stand up by giving voice to their pain in a recent Newsday exposé entitled, "In their own words: Battling the bullies" (November 14, 2010). Jake, a freshman, said, “Kids would [harass me] and get detention. Then their friends would do what the other did. It was almost like a virus getting passed from one friend to the next…school was just hell.” According to his mom, Jake recently developed stress-related cardiac issues.

I wonder what the consequences will be for these four young people for publicly revealing their suffering and the powerlessness of adults to protect them.

We all know that the boundaries of Bradbury’s fantasy schoolyard now extend into peoples’ homes through cyberspace, virtually obliterating any sense of sanctuary that children once found in the evenings, on weekends and during the summer.

Attempts by adults to rescue children who are bullied by exposing, reprimanding, lecturing or squashing the attackers typically leads to an escalation of the very behavior they to eliminate, further entrenching everyone involved in the process.

Bullying is not about a fair fight, it is about the abuse of social or physical power. Bullies love an audience and, therefore, depend on bystanders. According to the journalist Marian Wilde, “Bystanders are important because bullying most often takes place in front of peers and it almost never happens when adults are watching.”

According to Wilde, “If the audience shows disapproval, bullies are discouraged from continuing. However, bystanders, especially children, need to be empowered to act. The majority of children won't act for a variety of reasons, perhaps because they are afraid, confused or unsure of what to do.”

Bullying is intensified today by a broad decline in civility. We live in a world of grown-ups who do not think twice about overstepping personal boundaries through rude, intimidating and obnoxious behavior.

If we cannot turn back the hands of time, we can at least slow down and teach our children, after we remind ourselves, the importance of putting a reflective pause between impulse and action. Sometimes this involves making the decision to act and to move from standing by to standing up.

Gavin, Maria, Jake and Sam showed great courage in standing up for themselves and thousands of other victims of bullies. They stood up publicly, even permitting their photographs to accompany their powerful words. We owe it to them to stand by their sides by joining with our children to stand up for those who suffer in silence at the hands of bullies.

Published in the Anton chain of newspapers in Long Island, New York, December 2010