PLEASE DO FIGHT WITH YOUR TEEN-AGERS
By Andrew Malekoff© 2011
Teen-agers enjoy a good “fight” with adults who do not feel a need to dominate and are willing to listen. As children progress from the “earthbound” quality of concrete thinking to the “intergalactic” quality of complex thinking, they become capable of formulating contrary-to-fact-hypotheses, of leaping with their minds here, there and everywhere. Herein lays the source of teen-agers’ growing ability and fervor for challenging others’ ideas, beliefs and values and for engaging in furious debate, often to the dismay of parents, teachers and other adults.
One day when my son Jamie was 14, he told me that he was thrown out of class. He had argued with his Spanish teacher about how she had graded a test. One of the questions had a visual component. The class was asked to write, in Spanish, a sentence describing what they had observed in a drawing that depicted two women who were simultaneously holding a gift-wrapped package. Jamie told me that his answer was, “Una mujer está recibiendo un regalo” (A woman is receiving a gift). When the test was returned his answer was marked wrong and points were deducted. The correct answer, the teacher said, was, “A woman is giving a gift.”
He argued that the drawing could be interpreted both ways, giving or receiving. The debate was heated. The teacher was flustered. Jamie pressed on, continuing to argue his point until he was silenced by the teacher
He told me that he then raised his hand. The teacher ignored him at first. Nevertheless, his long outstretched arm became an exclamation point, punctuating the space in the classroom.
“JAMIE WHAT IS IT?” she shouted. He responded, “I just like to hear the sound of my voice.” His enraged teacher then banished him.
British educator Janet Batsleer has spoken eloquently about the hostilities and complicities that young people have experienced in schools. She refers to “Those people who have ‘spoken out of turn,’ or who have not spoken ‘properly,’ or who have learned carefully exactly when to speak in order to please the teacher, or who have become afraid to speak for fear of being spoken about as a problem or in even more hostile ways.”
We should welcome debate from young people. Reasoned arguments gradually replace simple reliance on authoritative pronouncements by grown-ups.
As a child’s brain develops, opposites such as good and bad, or black and white, or yes and no, can be held in one’s mind simultaneously, enabling an individual to examine subtle shadings of disparate ideas and to tolerate the ambiguities that are generated by thoughtful debate. This “quantum leap” in thinking enables one to consider many viewpoints at once, use inductive and deductive thinking to reason and test reality by challenging contradictions and inconsistencies.
Young adolescents find that they can begin to argue for argument’s sake—for the fun of it. When we engage with them in spirited debate we help them to cultivate critical thinking, which is essential in order for a young person to become an active citizen in community affairs; to learn when to stand up and speak out.
So, please do fight with the teen-agers in your life. Fight with them to help them to flex their cognitive muscles and fight with them for fun. If you can avoid becoming defensive or intimidated, you might be pleased to discover that from the same source of adolescent combativeness and intellectual intransigence spring the seeds of inspiration and idealism.
To be published in the Long Island, NY Anton Newspapers in November, 2011.
Showing posts with label conflict resolution. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict resolution. Show all posts
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Saturday, July 4, 2009
HELLO DALAI
HELLO DALAI
by Andrew Malekoff
“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” – P.J. O’Rourke
The Dalai Lama and the New York State Senate
On May 9, 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate the Dalai Lama offered an invocation for the New York State Senate, calling for compassion during tough times. The 73-year old spiritual leader of Tibet spoke from the chamber floor about honesty and transparency and told the Senators and spectators about his deep respect for American values. “This house,” he said, “I think demonstrates the American democratic system.” Ya think?
Just one month later, as we are now painfully aware, a failed legislative coup paralyzed the system that the Dalai Lama praised in the house that he sanctified. Since that time the State Senate deconstructed into a child’s game of “Who gets to hold the gavel.”
Teaching our children about conflict resolution
What can we learn from the senate stalemate fiasco that will help our children when they are in conflict with their peers? According to Marjorie Kostelnik, Dean of College of Education & Human Sciences at the University of Nebraska, in our zeal to reach a compromise, a child might be denied their legitimate right to maintain possession of a desired object. When this occurs, she advises, “the focus should shift to helping the child who wants the object to generate appropriate strategies, such as asking, trading or bargaining to achieve their goal.”
Of course, sometimes our first response to the fuss is to say: “OK kids, who started it?’ or ‘How many times have I told you not to quarrel?” Children typically respond by denial or finger pointing. Of course, neither of these responses leads to constructive problem solving.
Kostelnik says, “It is better to approach the conflict saying: ‘You both seem very upset’ or ‘It looks like both of you want the [gavel] at the same time.’ These statements focus on the problem that exists between the children rather than giving sole responsibility to either child.” Boy oh boy, our New York State Senators sure have given us a lot to think about.
Perhaps the most important goal in conflict resolution is not so much the outcome of a situation as the enhanced ability to handle conflicts on a more mature level. In healthy conflict resolution there are some basic rules of conduct that we can teach our children. No name calling, staying with the topic at hand, no dredging up the past, keeping an open mind, and listening to other points of view. This means no filibustering or talking over one another.
These tips are especially important, living in an era of violence –random, sudden, illogical, and lethal – where anything that seems the slightest bit threatening – a put down, a disagreement, a dirty look – demands immediate retaliation. We need to help our children to peaceably resolve conflicts. It is ironic that the Dalai Lama, a man that advocates for peaceful solutions based upon tolerance and mutual respect, spoke before the Senate just weeks before the mess in Albany.
The Dalai Lama and the Beatles
To digress a bit, when I was a freshman in college in 1969, the Beatles were at their pinnacle. A rumor went around that Paul McCartney died. Word spread like wildfire that there were hidden messages about this on their album covers and in the lyrics of their songs. One neat trick, back in the day, was to play their songs backwards for clues. I did this with the song “Revolution Number 9.” I was sure that when I spun the vinyl disc counterclockwise that I heard the words, “turn me on dead man, turn me on dead man.” This was so freaky that it gave me goose bumps. Of course, the whole thing turned out to be nothing but a clever hoax.
For some reason, this episode in my life recently popped to mind and led me to get hold of the audio of the Dalai Lama’s address to the New York State Senate. Something told me to play it backwards. When I did, I could swear that I heard two words repeated over and over again – term limits, term limits, term limits.
Andrew Malekoff (copyright, July 2009)
by Andrew Malekoff
“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” – P.J. O’Rourke
The Dalai Lama and the New York State Senate
On May 9, 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate the Dalai Lama offered an invocation for the New York State Senate, calling for compassion during tough times. The 73-year old spiritual leader of Tibet spoke from the chamber floor about honesty and transparency and told the Senators and spectators about his deep respect for American values. “This house,” he said, “I think demonstrates the American democratic system.” Ya think?
Just one month later, as we are now painfully aware, a failed legislative coup paralyzed the system that the Dalai Lama praised in the house that he sanctified. Since that time the State Senate deconstructed into a child’s game of “Who gets to hold the gavel.”
Teaching our children about conflict resolution
What can we learn from the senate stalemate fiasco that will help our children when they are in conflict with their peers? According to Marjorie Kostelnik, Dean of College of Education & Human Sciences at the University of Nebraska, in our zeal to reach a compromise, a child might be denied their legitimate right to maintain possession of a desired object. When this occurs, she advises, “the focus should shift to helping the child who wants the object to generate appropriate strategies, such as asking, trading or bargaining to achieve their goal.”
Of course, sometimes our first response to the fuss is to say: “OK kids, who started it?’ or ‘How many times have I told you not to quarrel?” Children typically respond by denial or finger pointing. Of course, neither of these responses leads to constructive problem solving.
Kostelnik says, “It is better to approach the conflict saying: ‘You both seem very upset’ or ‘It looks like both of you want the [gavel] at the same time.’ These statements focus on the problem that exists between the children rather than giving sole responsibility to either child.” Boy oh boy, our New York State Senators sure have given us a lot to think about.
Perhaps the most important goal in conflict resolution is not so much the outcome of a situation as the enhanced ability to handle conflicts on a more mature level. In healthy conflict resolution there are some basic rules of conduct that we can teach our children. No name calling, staying with the topic at hand, no dredging up the past, keeping an open mind, and listening to other points of view. This means no filibustering or talking over one another.
These tips are especially important, living in an era of violence –random, sudden, illogical, and lethal – where anything that seems the slightest bit threatening – a put down, a disagreement, a dirty look – demands immediate retaliation. We need to help our children to peaceably resolve conflicts. It is ironic that the Dalai Lama, a man that advocates for peaceful solutions based upon tolerance and mutual respect, spoke before the Senate just weeks before the mess in Albany.
The Dalai Lama and the Beatles
To digress a bit, when I was a freshman in college in 1969, the Beatles were at their pinnacle. A rumor went around that Paul McCartney died. Word spread like wildfire that there were hidden messages about this on their album covers and in the lyrics of their songs. One neat trick, back in the day, was to play their songs backwards for clues. I did this with the song “Revolution Number 9.” I was sure that when I spun the vinyl disc counterclockwise that I heard the words, “turn me on dead man, turn me on dead man.” This was so freaky that it gave me goose bumps. Of course, the whole thing turned out to be nothing but a clever hoax.
For some reason, this episode in my life recently popped to mind and led me to get hold of the audio of the Dalai Lama’s address to the New York State Senate. Something told me to play it backwards. When I did, I could swear that I heard two words repeated over and over again – term limits, term limits, term limits.
Andrew Malekoff (copyright, July 2009)
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