ONE GOOD PARENTAL TURN

By Andrew Malekoff© Published February 7, 2018

Remembering without awareness is a phrase I really like. It suggests the retrieval of a memory that escapes conscious awareness.

Recently, I passed the 20-year mark without either parent, and many more years without grandparents. One grandmother, Annie, died before I was born. I was named after her. The other, Jenny, died when I was too young to remember her. My grandfathers, Harry and Joseph, died a few years later, still during my childhood years, but I have memories of both of them.

Each had disabilities and prostheses. Both of Grandpa Harry’s legs were amputated as the result of diabetes. Grandpa Joe lost his eye as the result of a carpentry accident. Their disabilities were never hidden from me. I went with my dad and Grandpa Harry when he had his prosthetic legs fitted.  Grandpa Joe regularly took his eye out and showed it to me on request. I used to wonder if I would have artificial parts when I got older.

In my first year of graduate school in 1976, I was assigned to intern in a program called “Aged in Distress.”  It was a crisis intervention program for older people. I made home visits to people with physical and mental disabilities, as well as one woman who was bedridden and terminally ill.

Although my primary interest in becoming a social worker was to work with children and teenagers, I was surprised at how much I liked working with older people. I was 25 at the time. Thinking back, it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise to me. Sometime after the internship, 

I realized that I was remembering without awareness the short time I had with my grandfathers.

Now I know that my early memories and recollections, whether I am consciously aware of them or not, influence how I feel about and relate to others in the present. As a child who experienced my grandfathers’ lives and deaths, I wasn’t conscious of the fact back then that one day I would be dealing with my parents’ aging, illnesses and deaths.

My father had cancer and my mother had heart and kidney problems. I traveled often from my home on Long Island to New Jersey to help care for them, some of that time at the same hospital in Newark where I was born in 1951.

One memorable evening—which also happens to have involved artificial body parts—was the time my mother fell and was taken to the hospital. She called me at 2 a.m. and said, “Andy, will you bring my Polident to the hospital?”  Broken arm and bruised face, all she could think about was what she needed to keep her dentures in place so that she would look good.

I took the 90-minute drive from Long Beach to Newark at 2:30 am, retrieved her tooth powder from the medicine cabinet in her home, headed to Beth Israel hospital, spent a few hours with her and drove back to Long Island with enough time to make it to my office for work.

Although the trip was inconvenient, I was aware all along that one good turn deserves another. 

Both my mother and father took time caring for their parents when they aged while also caring for me and my brother. It is these kinds of life lessons that seep into your unconscious and define the person you become, with many generations to thank.

Long Island Weekly: https://longislandweekly.com/one-good-parental-turn/

WHEN YOUR CHILD RELATES BETTER TO SCREENS THAN HUMAN BEINGS

By Andrew Malekoff© November 2017

On Friday, October 20 North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center hosted psychotherapist, author and parenting expert Sean Grover for a workshop titled “When Your Child Relates Better to Screens than Human Beings.” We were pleased to offer this program to help fortify parents during these difficult times.

As tech-dependence increases, many kids move through the world in a self-centered bubble, separated from their own thoughts and feelings, as well as the thoughts and feelings of others. As conversation skills and positive interactions crumble, technology even starts to change kids’ sense of humanity; they are less compassionate and sensitive to others. The workshop explored these vital issues and offered advice about what parents can do to help.

“Everywhere you look, children are staring into cell phones, screens, computer screens, tablets, iPads and more,” said Grover, who has appeared on the Today Show, in the New York Times and in many other media outlets. “While some kids use technology as a pastime, others are absorbed by it.

Technology devours their lives. They can’t put it down or turn it off. These kids tend to be more isolated and anxious, have poor people skills, difficulty maintaining friendships or an unstable sense of self.”

In his workshop, Grover gave parents guidelines on how to take back control and help their offspring wean off their technology addiction. Here are some of his tips:

1. Tech Blackouts

Set aside specific times at home when no one (parents included) uses technology. Cell phones, computers, iPad...everything is off. If you want your kid to be less tech-addicted, you must lead the way. Tech-free time can be spent reading, talking, playing games, cooking, making art...anything creative or social will do.

2. Tech Hours

Kids resist structure — but fall apart without it. Technology needs limits. For instance, I often recommend that families establish tech hours; time for homework, gaming or surfing the Internet. Scheduling tech time will help to limit battles by setting clear guidelines. For instance, when it comes to gaming, many parents may allow thirty minutes a day during the school week and two hours a day on the weekends.

3. Tech Spaces

When possible, keep all technology in a common space like the living room — not in a child’s bedroom. Establish communal places for tech time; try to avoid allowing your kid to disappear for hours behind a closed door.

4. Tech Limits

There are plenty of online services that can filter out inappropriate or violent material. These services can also limit Internet access by scheduling times that the Internet is available and times when it is not. One example of such a service is Net Nanny.

If you haven’t already read between the lines, you should know that how you use tech devices influences your ability to effectively guide your kids. Although your example is not the sole factor, keep in mind that as distant as some kids become from adults as they are moving through their teen years, they continue to observe you, and more closely than you know.

As the lyrics from the 1970s-80s new wave rock band the Police advise: “Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I'll be watching you.”

Published in Long Island Weekly, November 2017

SCREENAGERS: GROWING UP IN THE DIGITAL AGE

On February 8, 2017, I was invited to participate in a program for parents and their teen and pre-teen children at East Woods School in Oyster Bay. The focus was on raising awareness about the struggles and danger our youth face today in connection with improper and inappropriate use of social media, cyber-bullying and gaming addictions. The program included a viewing of the documentary film Screenagers: Growing Up in the Digital Age, and featured a live panel discussion afterwards. I was one of four panelists.

Before seeing the film, I read some anonymous reviews written by adults and kids.  Many of them sounded like this one: “Spot on Fantastic!” A few others were more critical. For example, a 16-year-old wrote, “It focuses on the downsides of electronics and never positives.” A 12-year-old wrote, “The message of Screenagers is that kids just exist for their parents to boss around and children's opinions don't matter.”

The film was well done and did spend a good deal of time presenting the risks in the digital world. The strength of the film was the interaction it stimulated, a positive step toward reducing isolation and building community.

The audience of kids and adults was asked, “Are you more fearful after having seen the film?” Easily more than half the parents raised their hands. A 13-year-old boy, when asked what he thought, said that he hadn’t realized how the overuse of digital technology impacts the brain and learning.

I shared the insight that, “Most parents are immigrants to the digital world, while our kids are digital natives.” A mom responded by saying that she never thought about it that way, like actual immigration and the misunderstandings it can create between the generations.  Another parent spoke to the analogy by citing the challenge of trying to negotiate traditional and modern values with her kids, and how to preserve their cultural heritage without preventing them from adapting and growing.  

            “The digital world is an evolving landscape that parents have to learn to navigate,” said Kathleen Clark-Pearson, M.D., in a report she co-authored for the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

The digital world is a great place for kids to connect socially, share photos with family, learn and have fun. As “immigrants” to this high-tech arena, parents would do well to immerse themselves in the digital world of their children and learn as much as possible in order to build common ground for communicating effectively with their kids.

            If a child’s job is to explore and a parent’s job is to protect, becoming more knowledgeable and proficient in digital technology is essential for parents to help their children navigate the many risks and dangers of the digital world including online grooming, cyber-bullying, sexting, gaming addiction and sleep deprivation. Of course, adults are also susceptible to risks and, we have to be careful not to fall victim to “distracted parent syndrome,” when we use our own hand-held devices, for example.

            I shared the story of observing a mother and her pre-teen son sitting across from one another at a local diner. She did not get off of her mobile phone the entire time. The boy did not have such a device. He just fidgeted most of the meal. It was so sad. What was he learning from her example?

            Social media and digital technology are here to stay. The benefits far outweigh the dangers, but with the average kid spending 6.5 hours a day looking at screens, it’s imperative that parents learn the ins and outs, growing with their kids as we all get accustomed to this new world.  

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

Originally appeared in Long Island Weekly, April 2017
https://longislandweekly.com/no-matter-youre-going-youre-worth-something/

           

           

"WHEN YOU TONGUE IS SILENT, ONLY THEN CAN YOU HEAR"

Living or working with teenagers can be unsettling and disorienting even when you think you have it all figured out. Teenagers will spare no time reminding you that, as an adult, you are not a part of their world.

I am reminded of a quip attributed to Mark Twain:  “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Having worked with countless teenagers for more than forty years, and having raised two of them, I discovered early on that whatever world I occupied outside of their presence with my professional reputation and credentials, these meant little to the kids I worked with or for that matter, to my own kids.

Decades ago I found something that one of my sons, then about 10-years-old, wrote about me in school. The heading on the page was, “My Dad.” Naturally I read on with great anticipation and a swelling sense of self-importance. Underneath the title he wrote, “My dad is 6’1”, bald, wears glasses, and busts my chops. He likes dogs. My dad has brown eyes and brown hair, at least what’s left of it. He’s a social worker.”

The kids I’ve worked and lived with invariably drew their conclusions about me as they got to know me. In turn, I drew my conclusions about them as I got to know them, despite what might be called their credentials, that is - the often-negative labels assigned to them. It is important to recognize the difference between the way in which young people are viewed and classified by others, and their own experiences and perceptions.

Assuming a stance of uncertainty is one way of saying how important it is for us to be open and reflective, to listen intently to the kids we see only then can we think more deeply and see outside the box.

One of my colleagues, Camille Roman, tells a story about growing up in an economically deprived and chaotic family and how desperately she struggled as a teenager to be heard, and how no one was ever listening. During one particularly troubling and heated exchange at a holiday gathering Camille, whose family is from Puerto Rico, recalled, “My face apparently betrayed my fear and confusion to an elderly aunt who was secretly thought to be a witch. Tia Mercedes turned to me with her soft face and wise eyes and whispered, ‘when your tongue is silent only then can you hear.’”

Camille said, “My Tia was telling me that something else was going on here and if I didn’t get caught up in the noise then maybe I could understand and make sense of the chaos and it would be less frightening and I would not feel so powerless.” And so this powerful bit of homespun advice became a life lesson for her in her work as a social worker and, I think, a powerful insight for all of us.

https://longislandweekly.com/tongue-silent-can-hear/

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

BULLIES MOVE FROM THE PLAYGROUND TO CYBERSPACE

Members of a Wisconsin middle school basketball team are being lauded as heroes, and rightfully so. When the boys noticed some bullies making fun of one of their cheerleaders—a 14-year-old girl named Desiree who has Down’s Syndrome—they took action, walking over to them and telling the offenders to cut it out. 

As one of the boys told reporters, "They were pointing and laughing at her from the stands. It's not funny to make fun of somebody by the way they look or act." Another said, "This is not a one-time thing. You always have to stick up for kids that are bullied. It’s the right thing to do."

Just how many kids are being bullied, either online, in school or both? Recent studies report some startling statistics:

§  83 percent of girls and 79 percent of boys report being bullied either in school or online.

§  75 percent of school shootings have been linked to harassment and bullying against the shooter.

§  About 160,000 teens skip school every day because they are bullied, and 1 in 10 teens drops out of school due to repeated bullying.

§  Kids who are bullies as young adults continue the trend of abuse and violence into adulthood. By the age of 30, about 40 percent of boys identified as bullies in middle and high school had been arrested three or more times.

The most frequent targets are kids seen as “different”—gay or transgender youth, those with special needs or who are overweight—but no kid is immune from being a victim.

While bullying isn’t a new phenomenon, cyberspace obliterates any sense of sanctuary that children once found when they were away from school and in their own homes.

One social media app that’s particularly alarming is Yik Yak, which allows users to send out posts—known as “yaks” — that can be seen by anyone within a 1.5-mile radius. What makes it worse than most other social media forums kids are using is the fact that the posters are anonymous.  A user can “yak” out anything they want without fear of being identified. Perfectly acceptable posts: “Jane is an ugly cow,” “John is a fag,” and much more that would be unprintable in this newspaper. It’s devastating to imagine the damage this type of abuse can have on a child or teen.

Laws such as the Dignity for All Students Act , which took effect in July 2012, seeks to provide students with a safe and supportive environment free from discrimination, intimidation, taunting, harassment and bullying on school property, buses or at a school function. It mandates that schools implement codes of conduct, establish procedures for reporting incidents and provide education and human relations training for students of all ages to prevent discrimination and harassment.

The passage of the dignity act and similar laws provides an opportunity for parents to talk to their children about how to protect themselves from bullying and offers them a context to discuss how to be sensitive to others who are different. It helps them learn how to stand up, speak out and fight back in the face of abusive behavior.

But these laws aren’t enough to tackle what is a social problem. No amount of legislation and no penalties for intimidating schoolyard behavior can guarantee that children will be safe at all times whether inside out outside of school. Contrary to popular belief, teens do want to spend quality time with their parents.

These laws must be complemented by support at home, pro-social bonds among neighbors and consistent community standards against bullying, bias and harassment, including in cyberspace. Otherwise, the legislation will be little more than a paper tiger, another layer of bureaucracy with limited influence in the real world in which kids reside.

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. 

PARENTS, STUDENT ATHLETES AND THE PENN STATE SCANDAL

Parenthood Plus: August 30, 2012


Written by Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center Friday, 31 August 2012 00:00

Parents, Student Athletes And The Penn State Scandal

Bob, my younger brother, was a die-hard Penn State football fan going back to the early 1960s. In later years he became a college coach and athletic director. Presently, he is Chair of the Sports Studies Department at Guilford College. He has written and researched extensively on maximizing the educational value of sports participation for youths, middle and high school, and college athletes. I thought there was no one better to ask about the Penn State mess and what lessons parents could take from it? Here is what he told me:

“For the past few months, we have been inundated with news about what is now commonly known as the ‘Penn State Scandal.’ Although the focus has been on the horrific acts of Jerry Sandusky and decrying the actions – or lack thereof – of Penn State administrators and others, it may be helpful to consider what the parents of young athletes can learn from this tragic affair.

“Many parents have paused and asked themselves, ‘What do I really know about the people coaching my children?’ First, the overwhelming majority of youth and high school coaches are solid citizens who have the best interests of your child in mind. But it would be naïve to think that there are not exceptions. Many states have laws requiring youth sport organizations and public schools to run background checks on coaches. Whether or not this is the case for your community, you can speak to the appropriate authorities about conducting these checks and implementing training programs that address how coaches can help young athletes to have a positive and safe experience.

“Parents need to understand that it is the coach’s job to manage the team and, for the most part, you should not interfere. However, you should be aware of the kind of experience that your child is having and you should feel free to ask questions. We sometimes tend to assign positive personal characteristics to coaches, whether deserved or not. This is particularly so in the case of winning programs; even at youth, and middle and high school levels. But winning championships doesn’t necessarily make someone a good person or role model. And, there is no question that it is difficult to challenge the coach who is competitively successful and has strong support from team parents and in the community. With unconditional support, less sensitive coaches can feel empowered to do as they please, especially if they are oblivious to how youngsters might be adversely impacted by their actions.

“Finally, you should strive to help your children keep sports in perspective. This starts with you, as a parent, doing the same.

“An appropriate level of perspective doesn’t mean that your child should not be competitive or do his or her best to excel on the field or court, or should not show respect for coaches and teammates. It does mean that when faced with a coach who behaves inappropriately or a teammate who bullies other children, your child should be encouraged to share what is going on, as opposed to subscribing to the idea that a good team member never questions a coach’s authority, even if it is used to exploit or harm others.

“The great majority of coaches care deeply about the long-term development of the children under their supervision, but parents of young athletes are wise to bear in mind an adage that was lost on a number of people involved in the Penn State tragedy: ‘Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.’”

When Parents Drink and Drug

Anton Community Newspapers  • 

132 East 2nd Street

 •  Mineola, NY 11501  

When Parents Drink and Drug

by Andrew Malekoff© advance proof June 2012

The problematic use of alcohol, drugs and tobacco is unquestionably the nation’s number one health problem. While all segments of society are affected, the future of young people is most severely compromised by this epidemic.

There has been increased media exposure and public education on the rise of young people’s abuse of pharmaceuticals – prescription drugs – that often leads to heroin use and addiction.

Parents have been alerted to the fact that the most likely source of prescription drugs is the medicine cabinets of friends and family, where the pharmaceuticals can be easily attained at no cost; and, that the cost for a bag of heroin is less than that for a six-pack of beer.

Despite enhanced media coverage on these drugs, what the public hardly hears about anymore is the fact that there are millions of children who grow up in homes with parents who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

It has been estimated that approximately one in four children in the US is exposed to alcohol abuse and drug dependence in the family at some point before age 18. There are multiple impacts on children growing up in these homes. These young people are likely to become alcohol or drug abusers themselves without intervention.

Children who grow up in families with alcohol and drug addiction learn to distrust to survive. They learn how to walk on eggshells. The behavior and attitude of the addict and the related emotional tone in the home is a day-to-day mystery. When unpredictability dominates a child’s life, they are likely to be perpetually wary, always sensing disappointment or danger lurking nearby.

Children who grow up in addicted families become uncomfortably accustomed to living with chaos, uncertainty, unpredictability and inconsistency. These children have no idea what is normal. They live vastly different internal lives than their peers from homes where coping with addiction in the family is not a daily challenge.

Denial and secrecy are common for children who live in alcoholic or addicted families. Their lives are organized around concealing the truth. Asking for help is out of the question as that would trigger exposure to the outside world, disloyalty inside the family and it would evoke intense feelings of embarrassment and shame.

In an addicted family there is an ongoing and, most often, unspoken agreement to hide the problem to prevent exposure that will erode the image of a “perfect family.” Children may avoid bringing friends home and cringe at the thought of having the family secret revealed. Their own needs and desires take a back seat to fronting for their family and preserving the image that belies the reality.

It is hard to be a child in an alcoholic or addicted family. It takes a lot of energy just to get through the day. Growing up in such a family leaves children with little hope that things will ever change. Children who live in these homes often feel trapped, depressed, alone and desperate.

There are no simple answers, but there is help. Family members, friends, pediatricians and school personnel who are attuned to this problem can help to break the conspiracy of silence. Understanding the barriers, gently inviting trust and seeking professional support is the first step to overcome the problems involved. If you need guidance about how to proceed, call Tyrone Anthony, coordinator of chemical dependency services at the Leeds Place, a branch of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, at 516-997-2926.

Andrew Malekoff is Executive Director, North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, Roslyn Heights, New York 11577
amalekoff@northshorechildguidance.org

THE TORMENT OF BULLYING

The torment of bullying...bullying in the Schools

Originally published in Newsday: November 19, 2010, p. A37

by Andrew Malekoff

In a Ray Bradbury's short story "The Playground," a father tried to protect his son from the horrors of the schoolyard. He wondered how childhood could be considered the best time of life, when it was the most "barbaric time when there were no police to protect you, only parents preoccupied with themselves and their taller world."

I admire the courage of the four kids - Gavin, Maria, Jake and Sam - who gave voice to their experiences in a Newsday story, "In their own words: Battling the bullies," Nov. 14, 2010. I wonder what the consequences will be for them, for publicly revealing their suffering and the powerlessness of adults to protect them.

We all know that the boundaries of the schoolyard now extend into people's homes through cyberspace, virtually obliterating any sense of sanctuary that children once found in the evenings, on weekends and during the summer.

Bullying is intensified today by a broad decline in civility. We live in a world of grown-up people who do not think twice about trampling personal boundaries through rude, intimidating and obnoxious behavior.

If we cannot turn back the hands of time, we can at least slow down and teach our children, after we remind ourselves, the importance of putting a reflective pause between impulse and action.

Editor's note: The writer is the executive director of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center.

MAKING ROUNDS

MAKING ROUNDS

by Andrew Malekoff © 2010

I have been writing this column since February 2007. Although I try to make points to be helpful to parents and other community members that care about kids, sometimes I think what I make are “rounds” that are less hard-edged and softer than points.

My reflections in this month’s column don’t unfold in a straight line, rather in a circular and pattern. I do not think that my memories are remarkable. They are made up of a combination of milestones, transitions and random, mundane associations. I am not sure if they will have universal appeal. I will leave that for you to decide.

I was born in Newark, New Jersey on May 14, 1951. In my early years I grew up in a second floor flat in the same neighborhood where author Philip Roth once lived. The best thing about where I lived was that there were stores around the corner. Among my favorites were a bakery, candy store, luncheonette and a burger joint with a pinball machine.

My grandfather Joe was a carpenter who emigrated from Russia. He lived with us for a few months. He lost an eye in an on-the-job accident. It was replaced with a glass eye that he removed from time to time to show to me. He once mistook a box of Spic ‘n Span, a cleaning product, for a box of Wheatena oatmeal. The boxes were similar in size, rectangular shape and orange color. As a result of the mix-up, a pot of boiling water and cleaning powder overflowed and flooded the kitchen with soap suds.

My other grandfather Harry was a tavern owner who came to the U.S. from Poland. He had diabetes and two prosthetic legs that I once saw him take off and put on. I often wondered what fake parts I would have when I got older.

My aunt Rose, my dad’s younger sister, told me a story about when my mom and dad first met. The two families planned a get together at my mom’s house. I found out that my dad’s family was worried because Grandpa Joe slurped his soup. Aunt Rose told me that, although they were poor, they did not want to appear to be low class. When the soup was served they held their breath waiting for Grandpa Harry to start. He slurped too. Everyone was relieved and, well, the rest is history.

We moved to a suburb of Newark called Maplewood when I was 10-years-old. It happened fast and without any warning. There was a moving truck one day and the next day my younger brother and I were sleeping in a new bedroom where we heard crickets outside the window. No one consulted me about moving. I left all of my friends behind and had to make new friends.


In the suburbs I rode my bike everywhere since there were no stores around the corner. My father, Izzy, took over the tavern after Grandpa Harry died. The tavern was called the P.O.N. which stands for the Pride of Newark. One day someone set the P.O.N. on fire. Some years later there were race riots in Newark. I did not see my dad that much in those days.

My mother, Evelyn, started her own business when I was in junior high school. I didn’t understand. I later learned that it was to help pay the bills. She was an antiques dealer. In time she opened her own store. The sign on the store read: Antique Evelyn. That is what she was known by for the rest of her years.

My parents died in the 1990’s after at least a decade of serious health problems.
My father had multiple myeloma and my mother had heart disease. During my earlier childhood years my parents each smoked three packs of Camels every day. Sometimes they sent me to the store to buy them for twenty-five-cents a pack.

One day in the early 1990’s, when her health was failing and she was living alone, my mother fell. She called me from a hospital in Newark. The call came at two-in-the-morning. She sounded groggy when she asked me to bring her a box of tooth powder. By this time I was living on Long Island. I drove to the hospital. Her face was bruised and swollen from the fall. She wanted the tooth powder to hold her dentures in place so that she would look good. I stayed with her for a little while and then drove home and went to work.

My father died in the same hospital where I was born. I slept in my dad’s hospital room for several days before I watched him take his last breath on a late Sunday afternoon in May. And, then I drove back to Long Island, to a neighborhood where there are stores that I can walk to, just around the corner from where I live.

Published in the Long Island based Anton Newspapers in April / May 2010.

HELLO DALAI

HELLO DALAI

by Andrew Malekoff

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” – P.J. O’Rourke

The Dalai Lama and the New York State Senate

On May 9, 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate the Dalai Lama offered an invocation for the New York State Senate, calling for compassion during tough times. The 73-year old spiritual leader of Tibet spoke from the chamber floor about honesty and transparency and told the Senators and spectators about his deep respect for American values. “This house,” he said, “I think demonstrates the American democratic system.” Ya think?

Just one month later, as we are now painfully aware, a failed legislative coup paralyzed the system that the Dalai Lama praised in the house that he sanctified. Since that time the State Senate deconstructed into a child’s game of “Who gets to hold the gavel.”

Teaching our children about conflict resolution

What can we learn from the senate stalemate fiasco that will help our children when they are in conflict with their peers? According to Marjorie Kostelnik, Dean of College of Education & Human Sciences at the University of Nebraska, in our zeal to reach a compromise, a child might be denied their legitimate right to maintain possession of a desired object. When this occurs, she advises, “the focus should shift to helping the child who wants the object to generate appropriate strategies, such as asking, trading or bargaining to achieve their goal.”

Of course, sometimes our first response to the fuss is to say: “OK kids, who started it?’ or ‘How many times have I told you not to quarrel?” Children typically respond by denial or finger pointing. Of course, neither of these responses leads to constructive problem solving.

Kostelnik says, “It is better to approach the conflict saying: ‘You both seem very upset’ or ‘It looks like both of you want the [gavel] at the same time.’ These statements focus on the problem that exists between the children rather than giving sole responsibility to either child.” Boy oh boy, our New York State Senators sure have given us a lot to think about.

Perhaps the most important goal in conflict resolution is not so much the outcome of a situation as the enhanced ability to handle conflicts on a more mature level. In healthy conflict resolution there are some basic rules of conduct that we can teach our children. No name calling, staying with the topic at hand, no dredging up the past, keeping an open mind, and listening to other points of view. This means no filibustering or talking over one another.

These tips are especially important, living in an era of violence –random, sudden, illogical, and lethal – where anything that seems the slightest bit threatening – a put down, a disagreement, a dirty look – demands immediate retaliation. We need to help our children to peaceably resolve conflicts. It is ironic that the Dalai Lama, a man that advocates for peaceful solutions based upon tolerance and mutual respect, spoke before the Senate just weeks before the mess in Albany.

The Dalai Lama and the Beatles

To digress a bit, when I was a freshman in college in 1969, the Beatles were at their pinnacle. A rumor went around that Paul McCartney died. Word spread like wildfire that there were hidden messages about this on their album covers and in the lyrics of their songs. One neat trick, back in the day, was to play their songs backwards for clues. I did this with the song “Revolution Number 9.” I was sure that when I spun the vinyl disc counterclockwise that I heard the words, “turn me on dead man, turn me on dead man.” This was so freaky that it gave me goose bumps. Of course, the whole thing turned out to be nothing but a clever hoax.

For some reason, this episode in my life recently popped to mind and led me to get hold of the audio of the Dalai Lama’s address to the New York State Senate. Something told me to play it backwards. When I did, I could swear that I heard two words repeated over and over again – term limits, term limits, term limits.

Andrew Malekoff (copyright, July 2009)