WHEN YOUR CHILD RELATES BETTER TO SCREENS THAN HUMAN BEINGS

By Andrew Malekoff© November 2017

On Friday, October 20 North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center hosted psychotherapist, author and parenting expert Sean Grover for a workshop titled “When Your Child Relates Better to Screens than Human Beings.” We were pleased to offer this program to help fortify parents during these difficult times.

As tech-dependence increases, many kids move through the world in a self-centered bubble, separated from their own thoughts and feelings, as well as the thoughts and feelings of others. As conversation skills and positive interactions crumble, technology even starts to change kids’ sense of humanity; they are less compassionate and sensitive to others. The workshop explored these vital issues and offered advice about what parents can do to help.

“Everywhere you look, children are staring into cell phones, screens, computer screens, tablets, iPads and more,” said Grover, who has appeared on the Today Show, in the New York Times and in many other media outlets. “While some kids use technology as a pastime, others are absorbed by it.

Technology devours their lives. They can’t put it down or turn it off. These kids tend to be more isolated and anxious, have poor people skills, difficulty maintaining friendships or an unstable sense of self.”

In his workshop, Grover gave parents guidelines on how to take back control and help their offspring wean off their technology addiction. Here are some of his tips:

1. Tech Blackouts

Set aside specific times at home when no one (parents included) uses technology. Cell phones, computers, iPad...everything is off. If you want your kid to be less tech-addicted, you must lead the way. Tech-free time can be spent reading, talking, playing games, cooking, making art...anything creative or social will do.

2. Tech Hours

Kids resist structure — but fall apart without it. Technology needs limits. For instance, I often recommend that families establish tech hours; time for homework, gaming or surfing the Internet. Scheduling tech time will help to limit battles by setting clear guidelines. For instance, when it comes to gaming, many parents may allow thirty minutes a day during the school week and two hours a day on the weekends.

3. Tech Spaces

When possible, keep all technology in a common space like the living room — not in a child’s bedroom. Establish communal places for tech time; try to avoid allowing your kid to disappear for hours behind a closed door.

4. Tech Limits

There are plenty of online services that can filter out inappropriate or violent material. These services can also limit Internet access by scheduling times that the Internet is available and times when it is not. One example of such a service is Net Nanny.

If you haven’t already read between the lines, you should know that how you use tech devices influences your ability to effectively guide your kids. Although your example is not the sole factor, keep in mind that as distant as some kids become from adults as they are moving through their teen years, they continue to observe you, and more closely than you know.

As the lyrics from the 1970s-80s new wave rock band the Police advise: “Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I'll be watching you.”

Published in Long Island Weekly, November 2017

SCREENAGERS: GROWING UP IN THE DIGITAL AGE

On February 8, 2017, I was invited to participate in a program for parents and their teen and pre-teen children at East Woods School in Oyster Bay. The focus was on raising awareness about the struggles and danger our youth face today in connection with improper and inappropriate use of social media, cyber-bullying and gaming addictions. The program included a viewing of the documentary film Screenagers: Growing Up in the Digital Age, and featured a live panel discussion afterwards. I was one of four panelists.

Before seeing the film, I read some anonymous reviews written by adults and kids.  Many of them sounded like this one: “Spot on Fantastic!” A few others were more critical. For example, a 16-year-old wrote, “It focuses on the downsides of electronics and never positives.” A 12-year-old wrote, “The message of Screenagers is that kids just exist for their parents to boss around and children's opinions don't matter.”

The film was well done and did spend a good deal of time presenting the risks in the digital world. The strength of the film was the interaction it stimulated, a positive step toward reducing isolation and building community.

The audience of kids and adults was asked, “Are you more fearful after having seen the film?” Easily more than half the parents raised their hands. A 13-year-old boy, when asked what he thought, said that he hadn’t realized how the overuse of digital technology impacts the brain and learning.

I shared the insight that, “Most parents are immigrants to the digital world, while our kids are digital natives.” A mom responded by saying that she never thought about it that way, like actual immigration and the misunderstandings it can create between the generations.  Another parent spoke to the analogy by citing the challenge of trying to negotiate traditional and modern values with her kids, and how to preserve their cultural heritage without preventing them from adapting and growing.  

            “The digital world is an evolving landscape that parents have to learn to navigate,” said Kathleen Clark-Pearson, M.D., in a report she co-authored for the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

The digital world is a great place for kids to connect socially, share photos with family, learn and have fun. As “immigrants” to this high-tech arena, parents would do well to immerse themselves in the digital world of their children and learn as much as possible in order to build common ground for communicating effectively with their kids.

            If a child’s job is to explore and a parent’s job is to protect, becoming more knowledgeable and proficient in digital technology is essential for parents to help their children navigate the many risks and dangers of the digital world including online grooming, cyber-bullying, sexting, gaming addiction and sleep deprivation. Of course, adults are also susceptible to risks and, we have to be careful not to fall victim to “distracted parent syndrome,” when we use our own hand-held devices, for example.

            I shared the story of observing a mother and her pre-teen son sitting across from one another at a local diner. She did not get off of her mobile phone the entire time. The boy did not have such a device. He just fidgeted most of the meal. It was so sad. What was he learning from her example?

            Social media and digital technology are here to stay. The benefits far outweigh the dangers, but with the average kid spending 6.5 hours a day looking at screens, it’s imperative that parents learn the ins and outs, growing with their kids as we all get accustomed to this new world.  

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

Originally appeared in Long Island Weekly, April 2017
https://longislandweekly.com/no-matter-youre-going-youre-worth-something/

           

           

"WHEN YOU TONGUE IS SILENT, ONLY THEN CAN YOU HEAR"

Living or working with teenagers can be unsettling and disorienting even when you think you have it all figured out. Teenagers will spare no time reminding you that, as an adult, you are not a part of their world.

I am reminded of a quip attributed to Mark Twain:  “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Having worked with countless teenagers for more than forty years, and having raised two of them, I discovered early on that whatever world I occupied outside of their presence with my professional reputation and credentials, these meant little to the kids I worked with or for that matter, to my own kids.

Decades ago I found something that one of my sons, then about 10-years-old, wrote about me in school. The heading on the page was, “My Dad.” Naturally I read on with great anticipation and a swelling sense of self-importance. Underneath the title he wrote, “My dad is 6’1”, bald, wears glasses, and busts my chops. He likes dogs. My dad has brown eyes and brown hair, at least what’s left of it. He’s a social worker.”

The kids I’ve worked and lived with invariably drew their conclusions about me as they got to know me. In turn, I drew my conclusions about them as I got to know them, despite what might be called their credentials, that is - the often-negative labels assigned to them. It is important to recognize the difference between the way in which young people are viewed and classified by others, and their own experiences and perceptions.

Assuming a stance of uncertainty is one way of saying how important it is for us to be open and reflective, to listen intently to the kids we see only then can we think more deeply and see outside the box.

One of my colleagues, Camille Roman, tells a story about growing up in an economically deprived and chaotic family and how desperately she struggled as a teenager to be heard, and how no one was ever listening. During one particularly troubling and heated exchange at a holiday gathering Camille, whose family is from Puerto Rico, recalled, “My face apparently betrayed my fear and confusion to an elderly aunt who was secretly thought to be a witch. Tia Mercedes turned to me with her soft face and wise eyes and whispered, ‘when your tongue is silent only then can you hear.’”

Camille said, “My Tia was telling me that something else was going on here and if I didn’t get caught up in the noise then maybe I could understand and make sense of the chaos and it would be less frightening and I would not feel so powerless.” And so this powerful bit of homespun advice became a life lesson for her in her work as a social worker and, I think, a powerful insight for all of us.

https://longislandweekly.com/tongue-silent-can-hear/

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

IT'S TIME TO OPEN DIALOGUE WITH YOUNG PEOPLE

If you are a sentient being you’re well aware of the alarming degree of divisiveness that has been generated as a result of the presidential campaign. Given the growing incidence of hateful speech and action, there is a desperate need for open dialogue with young people.

I can vividly recall meeting with a therapy group for troubled teens some 25 years ago. They raised the subject of race and racism after having been exposed repeatedly to the videotaped TV footage of the Rodney King beating, which foreshadowed the current era of cell phone videos and body cams.

Rodney King was an African-American man who became widely known after being beaten by Los Angeles police officers after a high-speed car chase on March 3, 1991. A local resident witnessed the beating and videotaped it from his nearby apartment. The officers were tried in court but were found not guilty.

The two minority members of the group spoke about their own fear and “paranoia.” I listened and then told them “just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.”

In 1968, psychiatrists William Greir and Price Cobbs noted in their book Black Rage that, for some people, a suspiciousness of one’s environment is necessary for survival.

Indeed, the phenomenon of adaptive paranoia—which recognizes real threats, not imaginary ones—is not at all uncommon to minority groups who have experienced profound prejudice historically and who now, after the brutal 2016 campaign, are more concerned than ever.

Here’s what we know for sure: Reports of hateful intimidation and harassment are on the rise since the election.  According to the Southern Poverty Law Center there were more than 850 accounts of racism, Islamophobia and xenophobia between November 9 and the morning of November 14. 

Recently, I posed these questions on social media: What is the emotional impact of the trickle-down divisive campaign rhetoric on the nation's children? What signs are you seeing? What can you do? Here are two responses:

“Hispanic students are afraid to go to school because classmates bully them and tell them they are being deported.”

 “Immigrant children are terrified! They are afraid their parents are going to be sent away. I think it is important to allow a space for dialogue.”

Now, more than ever, rather than squash discussion on these sensitive matters, we owe it to the young people in our lives to foster open dialogue. Noted family therapist Harry Aponte’s reflection on diversity might serve us well as a guideline. He said,

“Diversity is not about us-versus-them. And neither is it about easy agreement among different cultural, ethnic and racial groups… It is a bold, rich and complex tapestry. It has to do with being different in values, traditions and speech, and the same in human need, suffering and love. It has to do with living in separate neighborhoods, and together in the larger common community of nation. Diversity of culture, ethnicity and race gets its significance and specialness in the context of our universal identification as human beings.”

Although a better understanding and respect for cultural differences is important, we owe it to our children to reach for commonalties experienced across cultures. That is the way we will open new pathways for connection.

Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org or find them on Facebook.

WHEN ARE THE CARTOONS GONNA COME BACK ON?

Violence—random, sudden, illogical, and lethal—has become a fact of life. Shootings and acts of terror, homegrown and imported, with or without racial or religious overtones, have become gruesome signposts along a seemingly endless path of public and private horrors. They are taking a toll on our children.

No child should have to wake up each day as if he or she was on 24-hour-a-day guard duty. But in the United States this is the reality.

We can no longer think of these as isolated incidents, aberrations or confined to urban settings. Denial, an emotional trap door, is not a viable escape in a world where a sense of imminent threat is ever present.  

In the immediate aftermath of the September 11, 2001 attack, writer Jeph Loeb and artist J. Scott Campbell produced a nine-framed cartoon entitled “Please Stand By,” that featured a very young girl watching cartoons.

By the third and fourth frames, the image on the screen changed to a live feed of the Twin Towers ablaze. As the little girl stood transfixed, stuffed animal in hand, the commentator announced, “We interrupt this program to take you live…,” the little girl turned away and called, “Mommy…” The next three frames began with her mother dropping a basket of laundry. Then, with her face contorted in anguish, she embraced her daughter to shield her from the unrelenting images. The final frame is a close up of the little girl asking, “Mommy, when are the cartoons gonna come back on?”

Among those who are left in the wake of violent acts are the survivors - friends and family members of victims, who live with the emptiness, frustration, and rage of incomprehensible death by violence.

Earlier this month, as the mother of the oldest child of Alton Sterling, the black man fatally shot by Baton Rouge, Louisiana police, expressed sorrow and outrage at his death, Cameron Sterling, 15, the oldest of Sterling’s children wept inconsolably by her side, for the entire world to see and experience his heartbreak.

One day later a St. Paul, Minnesota Montessori school cafeteria supervisor Philando Castile met a similar fate. Just one day after his shooting, five police officers, protecting  hundreds of people in Dallas, Texas, who were peacefully protesting the two shootings, were gunned down and murdered, ambush-style, by a lone shooter who was fueled by racial hatred and bent on misguided revenge. Ten days after the Dallas shootings, three Baton Rouge police officers met a similar fate.

Beyond those left in the direct wake of violence are growing numbers of young people who are fed a regular diet of horrific episodes of violence through graphic media accounts such as the live streaming of a bloodied and gasping Philando Castile, filmed by his girlfriend Diamond Reynolds who wanted the world to join her in bearing witness as he took his last breaths.

In the aftermath of trauma, children (and others) feel fearful, unprotected, hyper-vigilant, and hopeless and on their own; similar to orphans who feel they must take care themselves.

We are living in world gone mad, a place where the rich diversity of colors, shades, languages, orientations, beliefs and rituals should be shared and celebrated rather than drawn as battle lines. The answers do not lie in books of psychology or popular bromides, or in aspiring national leaders who have proven to be untrustworthy.

The answer lies in being mindful - paying attention on purpose, making connections with one another and building a sense of communality.

https://longislandweekly.com/cartoons-gonna-come-back/

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

HELPING TEENS GROW THROUGH WILDERNESS PROGRAM

Even though the chill of autumn is well upon us, it’s always a great time to enjoy the outdoors—and it’s also important for a youth’s development to keep their connection to our natural world.

With teens so immersed in texting and video games and other tech-focused  pursuits, they often lose both the connection to each other and to the world around them. That’s why North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center designed our Wilderness Respite Program, which provides a unique opportunity for at-risk adolescents to participate in nature activities that foster individual growth, leadership skills, self-esteem and friendships while also promoting environmental stewardship.

Following is a “slice of life” from the program:

During one of the planning meetings for an upcoming hike, a few of the boys tried to take control of the situation by dominating the other group members through physical posturing and verbal banter. That all changed once the teens drove to the state park and departed from the van. We found ourselves immersed in the forest, with no pavement, stores, traffic lights or any of the usual trappings of the home neighborhood—the kind of pure, natural environment many of the teens had rarely if ever experienced.

To our surprise, the boys did not volunteer to lead the way. Instead, they followed the girls, who became models of leadership. Little by little, all of the teens learned to work together, decoding the trail markers located on trees and rocks. Relying on their growing awareness of themselves and the direction of the staff, the teens gradually learned to hike at a controlled, measured pace, rather than starting out in a sprint and tiring as the day wore on. Although this was emphasized during preparation meetings, it was in the “doing” that this learning was integrated by the hikers, who soon learned how easy it was to get worn out.

The hike was a challenging one, lengthy and with rough terrain. It was an experience most of the teens felt was beyond their capabilities, but once they realized they could overcome these perceived limitations, they felt exhilarated. They also developed a noticeable respect, admiration and affection for each other. Tired and done-in, the group gathered around some rocks, leaning on one another for support, warmth and belonging.

Self-discovery took another turn on a canoeing trip by the same group. The teens were faced with strong winds and an unfriendly current as they attempted to learn basic canoeing skills on Long Island Sound. All of the teens experienced a great deal of frustration, disappointment and anger as they struggled in teams to control the direction and progress of their canoes. They learned that the elements and obstacles proved too formidable on that day for us to reach our destination, when after three hours of tiresome paddling, we needed to turn around and paddle back to our starting point, rather than continue to our original destination six miles away.

But the trip wasn’t by any means a failure, because learning how to handle disappointment is just as valuable as experiencing success. The group learned that when the challenges of the wilderness became tiring and weather conditions on the water became burdensome and oppressive, they had to reach inside themselves to summon up additional strength to overcome frustration, anger and fear. So, even though the trip had more than its share of disappointments, the teens were able to carry over the feeling that they could handle it when things don’t go smoothly.

These wilderness outings to excursions on both land and sea were successful because they all serve to prepare the teens for unknown challenges ahead.

Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. 

TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT RACE AND DIVERSITY

The church shootings of nine black parishioners in Charleston, S.C. at the hands of 21-year old Dylann Roof, who has confessed to the crime, sends a sobering message to all those involved with adolescents. Although cries of “hate crime” ring out in this instance—and no doubt are true—we need to recognize that issues surrounding diversity and systemic racism are an issue for every teenager and young adult here on Long Island.

Those of us who have the privilege to work with youth in schools, community centers and other arenas face the unique challenge of helping them address diversity and racism openly and honestly. Although discussions about race during the last two presidential campaigns gave a number of people a chance to process their feelings, it doesn’t appear that we have come very far.  

An open, non-judgmental group experience can provide adolescents with a unique opportunity to explore the typically taboo areas of race and ethnicity, exposing deeply ingrained or loosely formed beliefs and influencing their perceptions and behaviors in the world outside of the group.

When stories like the church shootings and the deaths of unarmed black citizens at the hands of the police dominate the media, young people’s stereotyping and polarization are too often reinforced. Within group settings, we can encourage discussion about ethnic identity, bias, prejudice, and intergroup relations as a normal part of adolescent development. We can help young people to tune in to ethnically and racially-charged local, national and international events that affect them.

I vividly recall a meeting I had with a group of local teenagers in the immediate aftermath of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colorado. The group talked about their feelings regarding profiling and stepped-up security in schools and in the community. One group member, Carlos, recalled an incident when he was stopped by a police officer who asked to check his arms. “He was looking for gang tattoos. He thought I was MS 13,” Carlos explained as he slowly pulled his shirt sleeve back across his forearm as if back in the moment. “I told the cop, ‘First, of all I’m Salvadorian and proud of it. Second, I’m not a gang banger.’ “

Carlos continued, “A week later, I saw the same cop at my restaurant job, where I work as a maître d' and wear a tuxedo. He looked me over and seemed really confused. I smiled and said to him, ‘See, I’m the same person.’ ”

A healthy exchange of ideas and opinions about controversial subjects in a safe environment enables young people to test out their beliefs and attitudes, to practice listening to others’ views, to respectfully express differences, and to discover common ground.

By advancing an understanding of differences, we can reach for commonalties experienced among young people across cultures to open pathways for relating among different ethnic groups.

Presently, we all face the sad possibility of seeing a dramatic erosion of empathy and loss of community as a result of the struggle for economic survival. We cannot afford to allow the development of empathy for others to slip away from our youth in the process. As adults, we must do all that we can to help young people confront the issues surrounding diversity openly, honestly and safely. Our survival and humanity depend upon it.

Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

LET THE GO, LET THEM GROW

As parents, we naturally want to keep our children safe. But it’s important to remember that, while it’s a parent’s job to protect, it’s a child’s job to explore. But for mothers and fathers who came to the United States from countries in Central and South America that are rife with war, gang violence and poverty, allowing their children—and especially their daughters—to explore the world around them can be terrifying.

Regardless of their origins, it’s natural for all teens to want to be accepted by their peers and feel like they are part of American culture, but it’s understandable that the parents of first-generation Latinas are extremely overprotective. Many immigrated to America because they wanted their families to be safe, which results in a tendency to continually hover over their daughters. Many of them won’t let the girls participate in typical teen activities such as sleepovers, dating or trips to the mall, which makes the girls feel trapped and isolated.

Even if the teens are allowed to go out with friends, they are required to have a chaperone, such as a parent or brother. In addition, they are often relegated to gender-biased roles, required to cook, clean and take care of their siblings while their brothers are treated, as one girl said, “like princes.”

The result of these conflicts: An increasingly large number of teenage Latinas were coming to North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center with depression, self-harming behaviors and suicidal thoughts. Some had even attempted suicide.

Determined to help these girls and their families, Associate Executive Director Regina Barros-Rivera gathered a team of bilingual, multicultural counselors from the Guidance Center and created the Latina Girls Project, an innovative program that employs counseling, monthly outings and other activities designed to tackle issues such as hopelessness, poor self-esteem and school refusal.

Individual, group and family therapy are integral pieces of the program. Through therapy, the girls develop trust, learn healthy ways to deal with stress and depression, and find better ways to communicate with their parents.

But the monthly outings are also a very important element of the Latina Girls Project. During one trip to Manhattan, the girls took part in a workshop led by female artists, dancers and poets, all accomplished and confident Latina women. This was a huge adventure for the teens, because they were so often stuck in their home communities—and also stuck in feelings of low self-esteem, shame and self-consciousness.

At first, the girls couldn’t say anything positive about themselves; they had no access to such self-affirming feelings. But they gradually spread their wings, bit by bit, and took part in art, dance and writing. The teens were uplifted by witnessing the confidence and compassion of these powerful role models, who told the girls to look in the mirror and see their own strength and beauty.

This workshop, along with other trips to historical sites, artistic venues and nature settings, help the girls shift from feelings of helplessness to hopefulness. Over time, they find their voices and discover the inner strengths that had eluded them.

By participating in family therapy and also witnessing the transformation their daughters experience, the girls’ parents become more compassionate and understand that they need to let their teens separate in healthy, age-appropriate ways. As one girl put it, “My parents learned that I just wanted them to be there for me and listen. They learned that it doesn’t help to question why I feel the way I do but to accept it and support me.”

Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

HELP YOUR KIDS BLOSSOM

Finally, what seemed like the longest, coldest winter in memory is over. I don’t know about you, but I’m grateful to spend time soaking up the sun, walking and biking along the boardwalk in my Long Beach neighborhood.

But during my excursions, it saddens me to see how many young people are isolated and clueless about the beauty of the world surrounding them. Most are staring down at their phones as they text or scroll through their Instagram feeds.  

For other kids, their tech device of choice doesn’t even make it out of the house. It can be a perfect spring day—75 degrees, sunny, not a cloud in the sky—and these youngsters prefer to stay indoors, playing video games or glued to some other form of electronic device.

Make no mistake: Regardless of their protestations otherwise, a number of these children and teens are not only lonely and miserable, but they’re at risk of a host of physical, social and emotional problems.

Here are just a few: We all know that obesity is an epidemic in our culture, and a big reason is that our kids’ addiction to gadgets means they’re not outside running around and playing. Lack of movement plus bags of chips and big gulp sodas equals overweight  youth—who are likely to turn into unhealthy adults.

Socially, when kids spend all their time on Facebook instead of face-to-face with their peers, they feel isolated and alone. Finally, research suggests that kids who don’t spend enough time in nature are prone to anxiety and depression.

What’s a parent to do? There’s no better time of year than now to get out there with your kids and start digging and planting.

Here at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, we’ve seen firsthand how children blossom when they “get back to the garden.” At our Roslyn Heights headquarters, groups of children and teens water, seed and weed our organic bed, and they’re filled with pride when they see lettuce, tomatoes, peppers and other vegetables grow. And, since much of the produce they harvest is donated to local food pantries, they experience the pride that comes from helping others.

Through their work in the garden, we saw kids who were shy and insecure develop self-confidence and make new friends. They learned social, leadership and team-building skills. They felt a sense of accomplishment that they had never experienced before.  

Tending the garden and watching it grow enabled them to intensify their sense of wonder and curiosity.

Gardening helps kids connect to the Earth, to each other and, yes, even to their parents. Young children will be in awe as you show them the fruits (and vegetables) of your joint labor. If your teens are reluctant to work with you, that’s OK. Give them some responsibilities of their own, such as watering or weeding; expose them to tools that they can begin to master—and don’t be surprised if they end up sharing some gardening hours with you. By sowing seeds and harvesting bounty, they gain a more visceral sense of how things change over time.

Another plus: Gardeners might not use the terminology, but they achieve a natural state of calm and focus that’s become known as “mindfulness.”

Though people often associate it with meditation, mindfulness doesn’t require hours of prayerful silence or chanting mantras.  Mindfulness at its core is about paying attention—staying in the present, moment by moment—to feelings, thoughts, bodily sensations and the surrounding environment in a judgment-free way.

Mindfulness is an inherent part of the experience of tending to a garden; it gives kids new ground to stand on, both literally and figuratively, embracing their senses of sight, smell, sound, touch and taste. Mindfulness in nature calms the brain, allowing for reflection and healing, and it’s also great for the body, lowering stress, inflammation and blood pressure.

If gardening isn’t up your alley, not to worry. Being outdoors—whether hiking in the woods, riding your bike or swimming at the ocean—restores the spirit, and there’s bound to be an activity your kids will enjoy.

So, whether you are eight or 80 or anywhere in between, take advantage of the beautiful weather and find your bliss. It’s right outside your door.

Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. 

BULLIES MOVE FROM THE PLAYGROUND TO CYBERSPACE

Members of a Wisconsin middle school basketball team are being lauded as heroes, and rightfully so. When the boys noticed some bullies making fun of one of their cheerleaders—a 14-year-old girl named Desiree who has Down’s Syndrome—they took action, walking over to them and telling the offenders to cut it out. 

As one of the boys told reporters, "They were pointing and laughing at her from the stands. It's not funny to make fun of somebody by the way they look or act." Another said, "This is not a one-time thing. You always have to stick up for kids that are bullied. It’s the right thing to do."

Just how many kids are being bullied, either online, in school or both? Recent studies report some startling statistics:

§  83 percent of girls and 79 percent of boys report being bullied either in school or online.

§  75 percent of school shootings have been linked to harassment and bullying against the shooter.

§  About 160,000 teens skip school every day because they are bullied, and 1 in 10 teens drops out of school due to repeated bullying.

§  Kids who are bullies as young adults continue the trend of abuse and violence into adulthood. By the age of 30, about 40 percent of boys identified as bullies in middle and high school had been arrested three or more times.

The most frequent targets are kids seen as “different”—gay or transgender youth, those with special needs or who are overweight—but no kid is immune from being a victim.

While bullying isn’t a new phenomenon, cyberspace obliterates any sense of sanctuary that children once found when they were away from school and in their own homes.

One social media app that’s particularly alarming is Yik Yak, which allows users to send out posts—known as “yaks” — that can be seen by anyone within a 1.5-mile radius. What makes it worse than most other social media forums kids are using is the fact that the posters are anonymous.  A user can “yak” out anything they want without fear of being identified. Perfectly acceptable posts: “Jane is an ugly cow,” “John is a fag,” and much more that would be unprintable in this newspaper. It’s devastating to imagine the damage this type of abuse can have on a child or teen.

Laws such as the Dignity for All Students Act , which took effect in July 2012, seeks to provide students with a safe and supportive environment free from discrimination, intimidation, taunting, harassment and bullying on school property, buses or at a school function. It mandates that schools implement codes of conduct, establish procedures for reporting incidents and provide education and human relations training for students of all ages to prevent discrimination and harassment.

The passage of the dignity act and similar laws provides an opportunity for parents to talk to their children about how to protect themselves from bullying and offers them a context to discuss how to be sensitive to others who are different. It helps them learn how to stand up, speak out and fight back in the face of abusive behavior.

But these laws aren’t enough to tackle what is a social problem. No amount of legislation and no penalties for intimidating schoolyard behavior can guarantee that children will be safe at all times whether inside out outside of school. Contrary to popular belief, teens do want to spend quality time with their parents.

These laws must be complemented by support at home, pro-social bonds among neighbors and consistent community standards against bullying, bias and harassment, including in cyberspace. Otherwise, the legislation will be little more than a paper tiger, another layer of bureaucracy with limited influence in the real world in which kids reside.

Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. 

NATALIE CIAPPA'S LAW

Natalie Ciappa’s Law

By Andrew Malekoff©

One month ago the Nassau County legislature passed a bill that requires police to notify school districts about heroin arrests. The bill, Natalie Ciappa’s Law, is named after a teenaged girl from Long Island, who died of a heroin overdose in June, 2008.

My heart goes out to Natalie’s family and to the growing number of families on Long Island that grieve the loss of their children to heroin and other addictions. Having worked in the addictions field for over three decades there are a few simple truths that I have learned. One is that drug addiction is a disease that destroys families. Another is that it doesn’t have to.

A Disease Suffered Secretly

Those that are afflicted with heroin addiction and their families have been stigmatized by an unforgiving society that view it not as an illness but as the consequence of a moral failing, lack of will power or poor parenting. Although progress has been made in dispelling such damaging myths, I am afraid that we still have a very long way to go.

Most people with physical illnesses are the beneficiaries of widespread understanding, sympathy and support. Not so with addiction. Can you imagine for a moment lecturing a parent whose child is diagnosed with brain cancer and telling them that if they had enforced an earlier curfew that the cancer could have been prevented. Such is the twisted logic of the self righteous and ignorant who refuse to accept that addiction is a disease that does not discriminate by race, faith, upbringing or privilege.

The stigma of addiction necessitates that it is most often suffered secretly, only deepening the pain for all that care for an addicted child. Public support must replace secret pain; and therein lies the challenge in Natalie Ciappa’s Law. With this law comes enormous responsibility. School officials will no longer be able to keep a straight face and say, “There is no drug problem in my school district.”

A Call to Action

Will the passing of this law bring with it dialogue and collaboration among stakeholders that will ensure that notification of arrest information will cause no further damage to suffering families? Will the passing of this law protect and prevent others from criminal activity, and also help young people and families to find and get the help that they need?
The answer to these questions is: It depends. It depends what school district leadership does with it. I assure you that it will not be easy. But nothing worth fighting for ever is.

Natalie’s Ciappa’s Law will shake things up and create dilemmas and concerns among school officials, family members and others. Sometimes it is worth the risk to shake things up in order to make a difference.

Beyond notification, I hope that the law that bears her name will do two things. First, I hope that it will serve to remind all parents that Natalie was not a bad girl. She was a beautiful young woman who suffered from an insidious and progressive disease. In addition to the good that it can do, passing this law is a step towards publicly restoring Natalie’s good name and the dignity that she deserves in death. Second, I hope that the New York State Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services (OASAS) will provide adequate funding and strong leadership for drug and alcohol treatment for teenagers and their families.

Natalie’s Legacy

Finally, although there are those that believe strongly that this new law is flawed, either because it does not go far enough to expose other illegal drug activity or because it goes too far in exposing vulnerable individuals, it is my hope that Natalie Ciappa’s Law will be a step forward in the ongoing march to ensure that all our children are healthy and safe.

Originally published in the Anton Newspaper chain, Long Island, NY in January 2009.