WHEN YOUR CHILD RELATES BETTER TO SCREENS THAN HUMAN BEINGS

By Andrew Malekoff© November 2017

On Friday, October 20 North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center hosted psychotherapist, author and parenting expert Sean Grover for a workshop titled “When Your Child Relates Better to Screens than Human Beings.” We were pleased to offer this program to help fortify parents during these difficult times.

As tech-dependence increases, many kids move through the world in a self-centered bubble, separated from their own thoughts and feelings, as well as the thoughts and feelings of others. As conversation skills and positive interactions crumble, technology even starts to change kids’ sense of humanity; they are less compassionate and sensitive to others. The workshop explored these vital issues and offered advice about what parents can do to help.

“Everywhere you look, children are staring into cell phones, screens, computer screens, tablets, iPads and more,” said Grover, who has appeared on the Today Show, in the New York Times and in many other media outlets. “While some kids use technology as a pastime, others are absorbed by it.

Technology devours their lives. They can’t put it down or turn it off. These kids tend to be more isolated and anxious, have poor people skills, difficulty maintaining friendships or an unstable sense of self.”

In his workshop, Grover gave parents guidelines on how to take back control and help their offspring wean off their technology addiction. Here are some of his tips:

1. Tech Blackouts

Set aside specific times at home when no one (parents included) uses technology. Cell phones, computers, iPad...everything is off. If you want your kid to be less tech-addicted, you must lead the way. Tech-free time can be spent reading, talking, playing games, cooking, making art...anything creative or social will do.

2. Tech Hours

Kids resist structure — but fall apart without it. Technology needs limits. For instance, I often recommend that families establish tech hours; time for homework, gaming or surfing the Internet. Scheduling tech time will help to limit battles by setting clear guidelines. For instance, when it comes to gaming, many parents may allow thirty minutes a day during the school week and two hours a day on the weekends.

3. Tech Spaces

When possible, keep all technology in a common space like the living room — not in a child’s bedroom. Establish communal places for tech time; try to avoid allowing your kid to disappear for hours behind a closed door.

4. Tech Limits

There are plenty of online services that can filter out inappropriate or violent material. These services can also limit Internet access by scheduling times that the Internet is available and times when it is not. One example of such a service is Net Nanny.

If you haven’t already read between the lines, you should know that how you use tech devices influences your ability to effectively guide your kids. Although your example is not the sole factor, keep in mind that as distant as some kids become from adults as they are moving through their teen years, they continue to observe you, and more closely than you know.

As the lyrics from the 1970s-80s new wave rock band the Police advise: “Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I'll be watching you.”

Published in Long Island Weekly, November 2017

IN THE COMPANY OF ONESELF

By Andrew Malekoff©  2017

In New York it is illegal to use a hand-held cell phone while driving. Although drivers have the option to use hands-free devices, studies show that talking or texting on any cell phone while driving is so mentally distracting as to suggest it is a serious safety hazard. Nevertheless, not a day goes by that I do not see drivers talking on both hand-held and hands-free devices. Safety aside, what does all this chatter in the car portend about one’s ability to be alone?

More than 50 years ago Clark Moustakas, a psychologist and the author of the existential study Loneliness, wrote, “Being alone, for me, usually means an opportunity to think, imagine, plan. I choose to be alone because I desire to be quiet for awhile to consider aspects of my life. It is usually a tranquil time of self-expression and self-renewal.”

Can you remember a time when a solitary ride in the car offered such an opportunity, to simply be alone with your thoughts, feelings and sensations—maybe with your favorite soundtrack playing in the background?

We now live in an era when, because we are plugged in 24-7, the simple pleasure of being alone is something that we avoid. For many people, young and old, aloneness is a source of discontent. Why? Are we afraid that it might lead to loneliness?

Loneliness is not just about a lack of companionship but an inner sense of being alone, regardless of the external circumstances—of feeling lonely even when with friends or family. 

I believe that the recent popularity of mindfulness—a mental state achieved by directing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly noticing and accepting one's feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations—is a counterforce to the busy-ness of our perpetually plugged-in lives.

As if to foreshadow the current era of mindfulness, Moustakas said, “Loneliness anxiety is a widespread condition in contemporary society. The individual no longer has an intimate sense of relatedness to the food he eats, the clothing he wears, the shelter which houses him.”

According to Maria Gonzalez, an author and corporate executive whose most recent book is Mindful Leadership, 9 Ways to Self-­Awareness, Transforming Yourself, and Inspiring Others, “The daily commute is a great opportunity to train the mind.” She recommends practicing simple techniquies repeatedly, to train the mind in three areas:

1. To be more focused and better able to concentrate;

2. To experience more clarity in our thinking and decision-making; and

3. To approach all of life with a sense of balance, whereby we can “go with the flow” when a situation cannot be changed in the moment.

“The idea,” Gonzalez says, “is that you are continuously aware of three things: your body, what you see and what you hear. This is what it is to be mindfully present as you drive. Do your best to stay present for the entire commute.”

Although it seems elementary, it’s not as easy it sounds. As your mind wanders you may have the impulse to check your phone, or give in to some other distraction. When that happens, intentionally pull yourself back.

Like all things worth mastering, being mindful takes practice. As you do this you are preparing yourself to be present, to be at ease in your own company and, at the same time, you’re making the road a safer place for us all.

Published in Long Island Weekly, October 2017

RUNAWAY TRAIN

On August 18, Rosie O’Donnell took to social media to ask her followers to help her find her 17-year-old daughter Chelsea, who had run away from home the week before. O’Donnell posted an alert on her website and Twitter account stating that Chelsea hadn’t been seen since August 11.

One can only imagine the terror O’Donnell felt. Not only was her daughter missing, but Chelsea also had a medical condition that needed treatment. O’Donnell posted that her daughter had stopped taking her medication and “was in need of medical attention.” A spokesperson for the comedienne added that “Chelsea, like millions of people, lives with mental illness. It has been a difficult road for Chelsea and her family and they just want her back safe.”

Thankfully, Chelsea was found unharmed in Barnegat, New Jersey. Apparently, alerts from her peers and the pinging on her cell phone led police to her location and recovery. O’Donnell tweeted her thanks later that day, telling her followers "Chelsea has been found and is safe in police custody - thank u all for the help and light #missingchildren.”

While none of us outside of O’Donnell’s family knows the circumstances that led Chelsea to run away, at least one possible cause is clear. A quick search on social media on the subject of the missing teen revealed that there is no shortage of gossip about Chelsea’s family life, sarcasm about O’Donnell’s fitness as a mother, black humor suggesting she was kidnapped by Donald Trump and idle chatter among strangers about this incident, including speculation about the missing girl’s mental status. There were also reports citing her mother’s pending divorce and shaming commentaries as to how that may have contributed to her daughter’s distress.

It’s more than likely that Chelsea O’Donnell had easy access to all of this, as do most of today’s teens and even children. One can only imagine how a young person in turmoil and on the run was able to make sense out of any of it, and how much of the onslaught of cyberbullying against her family contributed to her distress and demoralization before she made the dangerous choice to head to the home of a stranger, a 25-year-old who had a history of criminal offenses whom Chelsea met on an online dating app called Tinder.

Cyberspace obliterates any sense of sanctuary that children once found when they were away from school and in their own homes. What happens when a teenager who is stressed or overwhelmed with her life and doesn’t have the coping skills to weather the storms of adolescence decides to run and is able to follow the story by simply scrolling through her phone?

All media – conventional and social – can be invaluable in helping to track down a missing child, as was clear in this case. That is a blessing.  Almost anything in the way of messaging that might lead to the recovery of a runaway child is welcome, even if it becomes a bit sensational.

But where’s the dividing line between offering assistance and adding to the emotional damage? What is the benefit in publicly revealing, among a population (that’s us, folks) that remains primitive in their understanding and acceptance of mental illness, that the runaway child has a history of mental health problems? While there should be no shame in having a mental illness, any more than with any other illness like diabetes, we still live in a culture that stigmatizes those who face these challenges. This story, and the subsequent cyberattacks joking about the condition, make that more clear than ever before.

Conventional media in recent decades has skewed more and more in the direction of sensationalism.  It’s not unheard of for certain media outlets to use expressions such as “crazy” or “looney” to refer to those with mental illness. And social media, a 24-7 town meeting with minimal monitoring of any consequence, is a runaway train that assumes more of the characteristics of chaos than order.

It’s clear that the very tools we now have at our immediate disposal that can be instrumental in the recovery of a missing child can also administer damage that the public ignores in the celebratory aftermath of the recovery of a child on the run.

And we must, as always, continue to fight the stigma that still plagues the 20% to 25% of people in this country facing mental illness. There should be no shame in such a diagnosis, any more than a diagnosis of diabetes or cancer.

In the O’Donnell case, it seems likely that the family made a decision to discuss Chelsea’s mental health issues to help find their child, and one cannot imagine a more compelling reason to “go public” with her condition. But it’s also likely that, given the ignorance that is so widespread regarding mental illness, it wasn’t an easy decision for them to make.

If this incident sheds some light and sparks some intelligent discussions about media sensationalism, the role of social media both for good and ill, and the stigma surrounding mental illness, then that will at least result in some positive outcomes from what has been a sad, personal family story made public.

Andrew Malekoff is executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, a nonprofit children’s mental health center in Roslyn Heights, NY. He can be reached directly at AMalekoff@Northshorechildguidance.org