PATTY AND JORDAN ON THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN

Although I’ve written before about bullying, in this space, none of my experiences or research prepared me for my friend Patty Underwood’s reflections about walking the streets of New York with her teenage daughter Jordan, an incredibly talented theater student from the  Boston-area. I had the pleasure to meet Jordan on a trip to Boston, a few months before she departed for New York City to begin her freshman year at NYU.  

Patty’s story, painstakingly recalled and beautifully reported, will surely touch many a raw nerve. Her story requires no editorial comment from me, which would only contaminate an intimate experience that speaks for itself. Patty granted me permission to share her story with you, my readers. Patty told me, “Walking with Jordan allowed me to be in her shoes. I heard her talk about this experience before, but it was the first time I really experienced it.” She added, “Jordan is all for letting people hear her story.”

Patty Underwood: “As we walked to the MOMA, I glared at the middle aged woman who was looking at my 19-year old daughter like she was the circus fat woman. The woman appeared to be with her own thin teenagers; as she glanced at them, her face seemed to be mixed with wonder and disgust. I could feel the judgement exuding from her eyeballs, and the anger in me surged back with fire in my eyes. On the next block a group of construction workers smirked and cat-called. Then the teenagers wearing tiny belly-revealing tank tops gawked at her tummy that also peaked out.

Every NYC block we walked brought eyes that bore holes in my daughter's body and I was feeling a mix of distress, rage, worry, and pure exhaustion. How the hell does someone survive the unrelenting visual persecution and surging negative energy? By the end of the day, I wanted to crawl under a rock and it wasn't even me that was at the receiving end of this attack. My daughter kept saying, "what's wrong? ; "Do you not want to be here?"; "You seem distant." I told her I was just tired from the long day in the city.

Truthfully, I was trying to swallow the impact of her walking out the door every day. How does she do it? Who is there to protect her? What is this doing to her brain? I felt paralyzed by witnessing humanity try to crush my daughter's spirit. At one point I suggested that maybe she no show so much cleavage; and she railed back, "Oh, just because I have big boobs it's okay to comment about them? As a social worker, mom, you should know better. What, are you now going to say that women who get raped asked for it!?"

We continued to walk, her with her head high and mine stuck down avoidant of the imminent look. My daughter, it seems, has come to terms with the battle she faces when she walks out the door. "Mom, if you weren't here, I would respond, tell them to f*** off." I am reminded of the practice she has had at facing the bullying since middle school. And the barrier it created; and the friends who love her unconditionally. And the dance teachers who see the beauty in how her body moves. And the 10k likes she got on Tumbler after posting a video of her dancing.

And Ashley won project runway and plus-size models are walking the runways and appearing in fashion magazines and Ashley won Project Runway. [Ashley Tipton is a 24-year-old clothing designer.] She is an amazing woman who is advocating for the underprivileged and the eradication of all types of discrimination. Yes, she's a fighter, fiercely protective of those whose human rights are under attack, passionate, creative, funny, singer, actor, dancer, black belt carrying, plus-sized and beautiful. Jordan is all this and more.”

Thank you Patty and Jordan.

https://longislandweekly.com/patty-and-jordan-on-the-streets-of-manhattan/

Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. 

HELPING TEENS GROW THROUGH WILDERNESS PROGRAM

Even though the chill of autumn is well upon us, it’s always a great time to enjoy the outdoors—and it’s also important for a youth’s development to keep their connection to our natural world.

With teens so immersed in texting and video games and other tech-focused  pursuits, they often lose both the connection to each other and to the world around them. That’s why North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center designed our Wilderness Respite Program, which provides a unique opportunity for at-risk adolescents to participate in nature activities that foster individual growth, leadership skills, self-esteem and friendships while also promoting environmental stewardship.

Following is a “slice of life” from the program:

During one of the planning meetings for an upcoming hike, a few of the boys tried to take control of the situation by dominating the other group members through physical posturing and verbal banter. That all changed once the teens drove to the state park and departed from the van. We found ourselves immersed in the forest, with no pavement, stores, traffic lights or any of the usual trappings of the home neighborhood—the kind of pure, natural environment many of the teens had rarely if ever experienced.

To our surprise, the boys did not volunteer to lead the way. Instead, they followed the girls, who became models of leadership. Little by little, all of the teens learned to work together, decoding the trail markers located on trees and rocks. Relying on their growing awareness of themselves and the direction of the staff, the teens gradually learned to hike at a controlled, measured pace, rather than starting out in a sprint and tiring as the day wore on. Although this was emphasized during preparation meetings, it was in the “doing” that this learning was integrated by the hikers, who soon learned how easy it was to get worn out.

The hike was a challenging one, lengthy and with rough terrain. It was an experience most of the teens felt was beyond their capabilities, but once they realized they could overcome these perceived limitations, they felt exhilarated. They also developed a noticeable respect, admiration and affection for each other. Tired and done-in, the group gathered around some rocks, leaning on one another for support, warmth and belonging.

Self-discovery took another turn on a canoeing trip by the same group. The teens were faced with strong winds and an unfriendly current as they attempted to learn basic canoeing skills on Long Island Sound. All of the teens experienced a great deal of frustration, disappointment and anger as they struggled in teams to control the direction and progress of their canoes. They learned that the elements and obstacles proved too formidable on that day for us to reach our destination, when after three hours of tiresome paddling, we needed to turn around and paddle back to our starting point, rather than continue to our original destination six miles away.

But the trip wasn’t by any means a failure, because learning how to handle disappointment is just as valuable as experiencing success. The group learned that when the challenges of the wilderness became tiring and weather conditions on the water became burdensome and oppressive, they had to reach inside themselves to summon up additional strength to overcome frustration, anger and fear. So, even though the trip had more than its share of disappointments, the teens were able to carry over the feeling that they could handle it when things don’t go smoothly.

These wilderness outings to excursions on both land and sea were successful because they all serve to prepare the teens for unknown challenges ahead.

Bio: Andrew Malekoff is the Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org. 

PRAISEWORTHY

In one week in September, soon after we commemorated the 14th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack on our country, there were three widely publicized stories that revealed the ugliness of post-9/11 America.

At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Republican campaign front-runner Donald Trump was questioned by a man who said, “We’ve got a problem in this country; it’s called Muslims. You know our current President is one. You know he’s not even an American.” Obviously, the questioner felt comfortable asking this question of Mr. Trump, whose rhetoric about immigrants has been, to put it mildly, less than kind.

Mr. Trump tried to laugh it off. But instead of correcting the audience member’s false assertion about President Obama or challenging his bigoted smear of Muslims, he just let it stand.

Shortly thereafter, Dr. Ben Carson, running close behind Mr. Trump in the campaign, asserted on Meet the Press that he would not be comfortable with a Muslim as President of the United States.

Just prior to these ugly interchanges, Ahmed Mohamed, a Muslim boy living in Irving, Texas, was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school. A teacher who thought it was a bomb reported Ahmed, a ninth grader, to the police, who then arrested him.

President Obama invited Ahmed to the White House, telling him, “Cool clock, Ahmed. Want to bring it to the White House? We should inspire more kids like you to like science. It's what makes America great.”

Although these stories were well-publicized, they represent only the tip of the iceberg in post-9/11 America. In recent years I had an encounter that is probably more typical than you’d expect.

During a roundtable group forum on immigration and youth held at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center’s Roslyn Heights headquarters, a 12-year-old boy named Muhammad, who was listening intently to others tell personal stories about leaving their homelands and struggling to fit in after arriving in the U.S., decided to speak up.

With a trembling voice, Muhammad revealed that there were kids in school who taunted him. “They’ve been calling me ‘terrorist’ for years because of my name.” Muhammad is an Arabic name that means praiseworthy. But, instead of feeling proud, Muhammad felt like an outcast.

Muhammad sat slumped in his chair and spoke softly and guardedly, but clearly and eloquently, and he was heard. By the end of the day he had received so much support from the group for having the courage to speak out that he was beaming.

During the lunch break I approached him to ask him how he was doing. He said, “Everybody is telling me that I talk good. I didn’t know that I could talk so good. Nobody ever told me that before.” Muhammad left the meeting feeling praiseworthy, a feeling befitting his name—a name he was given at birth that he should feel proud to have.

Sadly, stories of racism and hatred against Muslims are not rare—not surprising given the recent example of Ahmed Mohamed’s arrest for his innocent work on a school project. I recall that shortly after 9/11 one Muslim mother who came to us for help revealed that she dyed her children’s hair to a lighter color so that they wouldn’t be viewed as “kin of terrorists.” Those are the lengths that one mother felt were necessary to protect her children, and they display a sad commentary on our culture.

As we remember the thousands who were lost on 9/11, along with other acts of terrorism, we should not lose sight of the fact that profiling people of Middle Eastern descent as terrorists or as sympathetic to terrorists must be confronted. Such widespread profiling is detrimental and devastating to thousands of innocent children and their families, many of whom were not even born until after September 11, 2001. It’s time to let our voices be heard and, unlike Mr. Trump, take a stand against bias when we hear it.

https://longislandweekly.com/praiseworthy/

Andrew Malekoff is executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, a nonprofit children’s mental health center in Roslyn Heights, NY.

RUNAWAY TRAIN

On August 18, Rosie O’Donnell took to social media to ask her followers to help her find her 17-year-old daughter Chelsea, who had run away from home the week before. O’Donnell posted an alert on her website and Twitter account stating that Chelsea hadn’t been seen since August 11.

One can only imagine the terror O’Donnell felt. Not only was her daughter missing, but Chelsea also had a medical condition that needed treatment. O’Donnell posted that her daughter had stopped taking her medication and “was in need of medical attention.” A spokesperson for the comedienne added that “Chelsea, like millions of people, lives with mental illness. It has been a difficult road for Chelsea and her family and they just want her back safe.”

Thankfully, Chelsea was found unharmed in Barnegat, New Jersey. Apparently, alerts from her peers and the pinging on her cell phone led police to her location and recovery. O’Donnell tweeted her thanks later that day, telling her followers "Chelsea has been found and is safe in police custody - thank u all for the help and light #missingchildren.”

While none of us outside of O’Donnell’s family knows the circumstances that led Chelsea to run away, at least one possible cause is clear. A quick search on social media on the subject of the missing teen revealed that there is no shortage of gossip about Chelsea’s family life, sarcasm about O’Donnell’s fitness as a mother, black humor suggesting she was kidnapped by Donald Trump and idle chatter among strangers about this incident, including speculation about the missing girl’s mental status. There were also reports citing her mother’s pending divorce and shaming commentaries as to how that may have contributed to her daughter’s distress.

It’s more than likely that Chelsea O’Donnell had easy access to all of this, as do most of today’s teens and even children. One can only imagine how a young person in turmoil and on the run was able to make sense out of any of it, and how much of the onslaught of cyberbullying against her family contributed to her distress and demoralization before she made the dangerous choice to head to the home of a stranger, a 25-year-old who had a history of criminal offenses whom Chelsea met on an online dating app called Tinder.

Cyberspace obliterates any sense of sanctuary that children once found when they were away from school and in their own homes. What happens when a teenager who is stressed or overwhelmed with her life and doesn’t have the coping skills to weather the storms of adolescence decides to run and is able to follow the story by simply scrolling through her phone?

All media – conventional and social – can be invaluable in helping to track down a missing child, as was clear in this case. That is a blessing.  Almost anything in the way of messaging that might lead to the recovery of a runaway child is welcome, even if it becomes a bit sensational.

But where’s the dividing line between offering assistance and adding to the emotional damage? What is the benefit in publicly revealing, among a population (that’s us, folks) that remains primitive in their understanding and acceptance of mental illness, that the runaway child has a history of mental health problems? While there should be no shame in having a mental illness, any more than with any other illness like diabetes, we still live in a culture that stigmatizes those who face these challenges. This story, and the subsequent cyberattacks joking about the condition, make that more clear than ever before.

Conventional media in recent decades has skewed more and more in the direction of sensationalism.  It’s not unheard of for certain media outlets to use expressions such as “crazy” or “looney” to refer to those with mental illness. And social media, a 24-7 town meeting with minimal monitoring of any consequence, is a runaway train that assumes more of the characteristics of chaos than order.

It’s clear that the very tools we now have at our immediate disposal that can be instrumental in the recovery of a missing child can also administer damage that the public ignores in the celebratory aftermath of the recovery of a child on the run.

And we must, as always, continue to fight the stigma that still plagues the 20% to 25% of people in this country facing mental illness. There should be no shame in such a diagnosis, any more than a diagnosis of diabetes or cancer.

In the O’Donnell case, it seems likely that the family made a decision to discuss Chelsea’s mental health issues to help find their child, and one cannot imagine a more compelling reason to “go public” with her condition. But it’s also likely that, given the ignorance that is so widespread regarding mental illness, it wasn’t an easy decision for them to make.

If this incident sheds some light and sparks some intelligent discussions about media sensationalism, the role of social media both for good and ill, and the stigma surrounding mental illness, then that will at least result in some positive outcomes from what has been a sad, personal family story made public.

Andrew Malekoff is executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, a nonprofit children’s mental health center in Roslyn Heights, NY. He can be reached directly at AMalekoff@Northshorechildguidance.org

MENTAL HEALTHCARE GETS SHORT SHRIFT FROM INSURERS

Have you ever sought mental healthcare for your child? What about care for a drug addiction? Have you made calls to multiple providers on your health insurer’s “list” and had the door slammed repeatedly in your face? Or were you fortunate enough to make a good connection and then unceremoniously have the rug pulled out from under you, with your insurer denying continued care?

Welcome to the club.

If you have a child with a mental health or addiction problem, you know how hard it is to make that first phone call. A parent with a child with cancer or diabetes doesn’t hesitate to call for help. But when mental health is the problem, it can take weeks, months or even years because of the crippling effect of stigma. But what about the two situations I described above: You make that call, but you are denied continued care, or you’re denied access to care in the first place?

The federal parity law, formerly known as the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, is designed to prevent group health plans and health insurance companies from imposing less favorable benefits than they do for other medical conditions. The law is supposed to guarantee that people with mental illnesses have the same access to treatment as patients with diseases like cancer or diabetes, but some insurers have continued to limit treatment in subtle ways.

According to a recent report by NPR, since 2010, the Department of Labor, which is the main federal agency in charge of parity, has found 140 instances in which a patient's parity rights were violated. Although all those issues were resolved voluntarily, no insurer has been fined, and none of the results are public.

Regarding gaining access to care in the first place, network adequacy refers to a health plan's ability to deliver the benefits promised by providing reasonable access to a sufficient number of in-network primary care and specialty physicians, as well as all healthcare services included under the terms of the contract. The reality is that, because private insurers pay substandard rates as compared to Medicaid, middle class families are finding it harder and harder to find providers to help their children. They look at their insurer’s list of providers, make phone calls, and are repeatedly told, I’m sorry, I don’t accept your insurance. The lists are inadequate, outdated or just plain falsehoods.

On July 22, 2015, Assemblyman Todd Kaminsky authored a letter to the New York State Department of Financial Services to express deep concern about the lack of commercial insurance coverage for mental health services for middle class families on Long Island. He requested that DFS launch an investigation to determine the scope of this pressing problem.

Assemblyman Kaminsky said, “After hearing from numerous constituents and closely studying this issue, it is clear that commercial insurance companies do not have adequate mental health service networks for hard-working families.  This lack of access to care is alarming, and I hope DFS will immediately respond by commencing a thorough study of this issue.”

While Medicaid covers comprehensive mental and behavioral health services, commercial insurance frequently does not provide coverage, or if they do, the rates are miniscule compared with the cost of treatment.  The reality today is that fewer community-based mental health clinics are accepting privately insured clients who earn too much to qualify for Medicaid, which leaves these families with nowhere to turn for affordable care. They have few options to access care for their children, even those experiencing life-threatening crisis situations.

“In this day and age, it is disgraceful that mental health treatment is still not being taken seriously.  Turning children and their families in need away is simply unacceptable,” said Assemblyman Kaminsky.

I applaud Assemblyman Todd Kaminsky’s calling for a NYS Department of Financial Services investigation of commercial insurance companies with respect to network adequacy and substandard rates of reimbursement for behavioral healthcare.

By ignoring the enforcement of the federal parity law, the majority of representatives in government are turning their backs on the millions of Americans who are in need of essential mental healthcare services. We cannot trust insurance companies, whose eye is on their bottom lines, to do the right thing. It’s no exaggeration to say that lives have been and will continue to be lost unless we pressure our politicians to make this a top priority.

Andrew Malekoff is executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, a nonprofit children’s mental health center in Roslyn Heights, NY.

TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT RACE AND DIVERSITY

The church shootings of nine black parishioners in Charleston, S.C. at the hands of 21-year old Dylann Roof, who has confessed to the crime, sends a sobering message to all those involved with adolescents. Although cries of “hate crime” ring out in this instance—and no doubt are true—we need to recognize that issues surrounding diversity and systemic racism are an issue for every teenager and young adult here on Long Island.

Those of us who have the privilege to work with youth in schools, community centers and other arenas face the unique challenge of helping them address diversity and racism openly and honestly. Although discussions about race during the last two presidential campaigns gave a number of people a chance to process their feelings, it doesn’t appear that we have come very far.  

An open, non-judgmental group experience can provide adolescents with a unique opportunity to explore the typically taboo areas of race and ethnicity, exposing deeply ingrained or loosely formed beliefs and influencing their perceptions and behaviors in the world outside of the group.

When stories like the church shootings and the deaths of unarmed black citizens at the hands of the police dominate the media, young people’s stereotyping and polarization are too often reinforced. Within group settings, we can encourage discussion about ethnic identity, bias, prejudice, and intergroup relations as a normal part of adolescent development. We can help young people to tune in to ethnically and racially-charged local, national and international events that affect them.

I vividly recall a meeting I had with a group of local teenagers in the immediate aftermath of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colorado. The group talked about their feelings regarding profiling and stepped-up security in schools and in the community. One group member, Carlos, recalled an incident when he was stopped by a police officer who asked to check his arms. “He was looking for gang tattoos. He thought I was MS 13,” Carlos explained as he slowly pulled his shirt sleeve back across his forearm as if back in the moment. “I told the cop, ‘First, of all I’m Salvadorian and proud of it. Second, I’m not a gang banger.’ “

Carlos continued, “A week later, I saw the same cop at my restaurant job, where I work as a maître d' and wear a tuxedo. He looked me over and seemed really confused. I smiled and said to him, ‘See, I’m the same person.’ ”

A healthy exchange of ideas and opinions about controversial subjects in a safe environment enables young people to test out their beliefs and attitudes, to practice listening to others’ views, to respectfully express differences, and to discover common ground.

By advancing an understanding of differences, we can reach for commonalties experienced among young people across cultures to open pathways for relating among different ethnic groups.

Presently, we all face the sad possibility of seeing a dramatic erosion of empathy and loss of community as a result of the struggle for economic survival. We cannot afford to allow the development of empathy for others to slip away from our youth in the process. As adults, we must do all that we can to help young people confront the issues surrounding diversity openly, honestly and safely. Our survival and humanity depend upon it.

Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.

LET THE GO, LET THEM GROW

As parents, we naturally want to keep our children safe. But it’s important to remember that, while it’s a parent’s job to protect, it’s a child’s job to explore. But for mothers and fathers who came to the United States from countries in Central and South America that are rife with war, gang violence and poverty, allowing their children—and especially their daughters—to explore the world around them can be terrifying.

Regardless of their origins, it’s natural for all teens to want to be accepted by their peers and feel like they are part of American culture, but it’s understandable that the parents of first-generation Latinas are extremely overprotective. Many immigrated to America because they wanted their families to be safe, which results in a tendency to continually hover over their daughters. Many of them won’t let the girls participate in typical teen activities such as sleepovers, dating or trips to the mall, which makes the girls feel trapped and isolated.

Even if the teens are allowed to go out with friends, they are required to have a chaperone, such as a parent or brother. In addition, they are often relegated to gender-biased roles, required to cook, clean and take care of their siblings while their brothers are treated, as one girl said, “like princes.”

The result of these conflicts: An increasingly large number of teenage Latinas were coming to North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center with depression, self-harming behaviors and suicidal thoughts. Some had even attempted suicide.

Determined to help these girls and their families, Associate Executive Director Regina Barros-Rivera gathered a team of bilingual, multicultural counselors from the Guidance Center and created the Latina Girls Project, an innovative program that employs counseling, monthly outings and other activities designed to tackle issues such as hopelessness, poor self-esteem and school refusal.

Individual, group and family therapy are integral pieces of the program. Through therapy, the girls develop trust, learn healthy ways to deal with stress and depression, and find better ways to communicate with their parents.

But the monthly outings are also a very important element of the Latina Girls Project. During one trip to Manhattan, the girls took part in a workshop led by female artists, dancers and poets, all accomplished and confident Latina women. This was a huge adventure for the teens, because they were so often stuck in their home communities—and also stuck in feelings of low self-esteem, shame and self-consciousness.

At first, the girls couldn’t say anything positive about themselves; they had no access to such self-affirming feelings. But they gradually spread their wings, bit by bit, and took part in art, dance and writing. The teens were uplifted by witnessing the confidence and compassion of these powerful role models, who told the girls to look in the mirror and see their own strength and beauty.

This workshop, along with other trips to historical sites, artistic venues and nature settings, help the girls shift from feelings of helplessness to hopefulness. Over time, they find their voices and discover the inner strengths that had eluded them.

By participating in family therapy and also witnessing the transformation their daughters experience, the girls’ parents become more compassionate and understand that they need to let their teens separate in healthy, age-appropriate ways. As one girl put it, “My parents learned that I just wanted them to be there for me and listen. They learned that it doesn’t help to question why I feel the way I do but to accept it and support me.”

Andrew Malekoff is the executive director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, which provides comprehensive mental health services for children from birth through 24 and their families. To find out more, visit www.northshorechildguidance.org.