PRESERVING EMPATHY IN HARD ECONOMIC TIMES
By Andrew Malekoff ©
As executive director of the pre-eminent children’s outpatient mental health agency on Long Island, I have grave concerns about the impact of the global economic meltdown on services that address the emotional well being of vulnerable children and their families.
Despite the influence of distinguished legislators with big hearts, big government has treated children’s mental health with little respect over the years. For example, at North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center we have not received an increase in government funding for our core children’s mental health services for the better part of two decades.
In addition, a key factor contributing to declining revenues for children’s mental health services is a poorly regulated managed health care system that is more interested managing costs than managing care, paying a substandard rate for critical services and often denying payment for no good reason.
“The First Hostage of Survival is Empathy”
Beyond anticipated government cuts in human services funding I am concerned about individual and corporate supporters retreating into survival mode. As community activist Paul Tonna warns, “The first hostage of survival is empathy.”
To make up the difference in big government’s neglect and managed care’s scheming, services like ours have relied for decades on the compassion and generosity of community supporters that extend themselves to the cause. It is important to know that these people are more than do-gooders, despite the good that they do.
They are smart and selfish. They are smart because they know that what we do is cost effective, saving tens of millions of taxpayer dollars by keeping troubled kids at home and out of costly institutional settings. They are selfish because they know, as one of them stated, “If your child is not healthy, my child is not safe.”
Beyond these attributes our supporters are empathetic. They look into the eyes of their own children, grandchildren, niece and nephews and feel a deep connection to all children.
The Kindness of Others
Over the years family members and friends have asked me what led to my choosing a career in the human services, intimating that it is not the most lucrative path. My greatest influence was observing the profound impact of the kindness of others during my growing up years.
The father of my childhood friend Rich died in the 1950’s. My friend was six- years-old at the time, decades before “grief counseling” became a part of our lexicon. I lost touch with Rich as we grew older, moved apart and went our separate ways. When his mother Lillian died in 1993 I sent him a note. Some weeks later Rich, who is a physician today, wrote back to me. I saved his letter and I read it from time to time. When I do, it always leaves a lump in my throat. His letter to me starts like this:
“Dear Andy: What a surprise to hear from you! My mom’s death has caused me to spend hours thinking about my childhood. Some of my most fond recollections involve you and your family. Your father was the dad I didn’t have…”
I observed my father and mother and other adults in my family carrying out acts of profound kindness and generosity with no fanfare and without ever the expectation of anything in return, for all the years that I was growing up. I married a woman who came from a similar family, one in which her parents took in their nieces after the death of their mother. Now I have found these people again among our board of directors and community supporters. What they have in common with my family is their empathy.
Preserving Empathy
Government bureaucracies are by definition dispassionate and have no empathy. They have rules and regulations. But, only in tyrannies do they get to run things. One can only hope that the policies that guide their rules are guided by values rooted in the felt needs of real people.
I know that we cannot rely exclusively on government to take care of us. We must rely on one another. If we allow empathy to slip away under cover of economic survival, we are in trouble. The demise of empathy will be the most perilous consequence of the collapsing economy.
Let’s take care to preserve empathy. When all else fails it is all that we have to maintain a humane society.
Originally published in the Anton newspaper chain, Long Island, NY in November, 2008.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
WHAT'S A SCHOOL TO DO ABOUT HATE, a dialogue
newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-opfocus5938830nov23,0,6928477.story
Newsday.com
WHAT'S A SCHOOL TO DO ABOUT HATE?, a dialogue
As the shadow of a slain Ecuadorean looms over a high school, a conversation about tattoos, critical thinking and culture
November 23, 2008, pages A52-A53
All seven teenagers charged in the fatal attack of immigrant Marcelo Lucero are students at Patchogue-Medford High School, raising questions about what role schools should play in teaching about racism.
A panel of activists and experts on training and counseling about racism and bias crimes is discussing this issue, and other aspects of the story, at newsday.com/opinion. We've adapted part of the conversation here.
Andrew Malekoff, executive director and chief executive officer, North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center:
I am going to take this question and ask another series of questions related to the situation at hand. . . . Can we take a step beyond curriculum-driven bias education and violence-prevention training and the like, for just a moment, and just imagine how a situation should be handled in real time . . .
Let's say a high school knows that an individual had a tattoo of a swastika printed on his body. Let's say that it is a fact known by some adults and some students in the school. The tattoo is not displayed regularly, but it is exposed when the student changes his clothes to compete on a lacrosse team.
How should this be addressed? Or should it? And is the message that it sends important to the student body and . . . the school culture? Finally, how should a principal, a teacher, a coach, a team and/or a fellow student handle this situation, and what are the implications of each of these person's actions?
Omar Henriquez, community organizer:
Facilitate the process by which members of the black, Latino and immigrant community can fully participate on the school's programs and initiatives. Most of the school board members . . . are white. This has got to change. School boards must reflect the members of the community. Once people of color begin to participate, ideas on how to deal with this and other issues will begin to flow. PTAs must be inclusive. Minority staff should include not only the janitorial, but administration as well. In other words, curtail the discrimination and racism that already exist at that level. It would be a beginning.
Jeffrey L. Reynolds, chief operating officer, BiasHELP of Long Island:
I do think the schools should play a role, though parents, communities, houses of worship, etc., all play a central role as well. Exposure to others makes it somewhat harder to dehumanize and demonize others, so activities that encourage cross-cultural communication are important. And they shouldn't start in high school.
Schools at all grade levels can and should do a variety of things: 1) Ensure diversity among school board members, faculty and staff; 2) Require annual cultural competence trainings for board, faculty and staff; 3) Enact a detailed, written policy on bullying, harassment and violence; 4) Create and facilitate well-integrated (into all subjects) age-appropriate exercises and lessons - heck, encourage kids to help figure out what works and what doesn't; 5) Partner with community-based organizations and law enforcement to help deliver critical messages; 6) Release annual reports about violence, acts of bullying, harassment, etc.; 7) Create new ways for kids to report incidents or seek help in a confidential and maybe even anonymous way, and 8) Come up with a crisis-response game plan that can be put into play following a critical incident.
Some schools are doing some of these things really well. Others not so much. ... Here's the bottom line: Marcelo Lucero was allegedly killed by Jeffrey Conroy, but there's more than enough blame to go around. We need a fresh look at what passes for diversity education - it ain't a "multicultural day" - and we need to hold those educating our kids more accountable.
To address Andrew's tattoo query: I think a conversation should have happened between the student, his parents and school personnel to explore why he felt compelled to adorn his body with a hateful symbol. Beyond that, the student shouldn't be barred from sports but perhaps should have been barred from displaying the tattoo in the locker room or elsewhere.
Andrew Malekoff:
I like Jeffrey's approach to the parents, to explore this issue and to reinforce not baring the tattoo. In Jeffrey's recommendations, he says: "Create new ways for kids to report incidents or seek help in a confidential and maybe even anonymous way." So, someone reports the fact that this kid has a swastika tattoo and says he and others are very uncomfortable with this fact, and that there are adults in the building, who know that he has told, who just shrug. What next? This is now a part of the life of the building. It is not a dramatic, highly publicized news event that gets lots of attention and even a blog on Newsday. Rather, it is a simmering reality in the life of the school that is being ignored.
Yeah, the kid comes in with the parents, and it is addressed and the tattoo is concealed for the most part. But it is alive in the school that J.C. has a swastika on his leg, and it reflects a subculture in the school that is predisposed to such things as "beaner-jumping." This is spoken in whispers, but it is real. What next?
There is a well-known expression in the field of alcoholism that has been generalized beyond the field and that is known to much of the public. It goes like this, "There is an elephant in the room." It represents something that is known to all, that all have deep feelings about, and live with but refuse to confront in a forthright manner.
Not to beat a dead horse (as I ungracefully mix metaphors). But when there is something alive in the culture of an institution, and not in the abstract as in, "XYZ is a racist school or community," for example, but when there is something real in the everyday life of the school or institutional community, like a kid with a swastika, and that same kid with a following, how do schools keep this reality ... from being known but ignored, acknowledged yet accepted in silence?
The insidiousness of something like this either reinforces a sick culture, unsettles a benign culture, or challenges a healthy culture. I am interested in what suggestions there are for how schools (or other institutions) can confront something real like this, not something in the abstract and not something that has been exposed through the media. Because I believe that it is these seemingly minor everyday realities in the life of a school that shape the culture. Where is the counterforce, and what should it look like?
Jeffrey L. Reynolds:
If I ran the school, I'd make sure that the student with the tattoo and those around him got a series of really clear and vivid lessons about the Holocaust and the history behind the swastika. I think your best counterforce are this kid's peers, who should have reacted with horror when seeing the tattoo for the first time. Odds are that, instead, the other kids laughed or said nothing, yet probably had some reservations about it and him. If those kids fully understood the history, they might have been more likely to speak up.
Andrew Malekoff:
I think also that the swastika is a symbol that, in its current use, goes well beyond its origins in Nazi Germany and has morphed into a broader symbol of hate. A history lesson is a good start. And the wish that better educated and more sensitive peers will stand up is one that I share, although I think the standing up part is rare; rare among adults as well. This discussion must also address workplace issues; that is, what happens in the workplace for its employees when such behavior and symbols are forced underground by apathy or fear?
The school is a community made up of children, youth and adult employees who all must be included in the equation. Schools need the capacity for ... confrontation that addresses issues and problems in a direct, caring and forthright manner. When the school or workplace replicates the oppressive or prejudicial behavior of society, caring adults and peers must skillfully intervene to raise consciousness, stimulate interaction, foster understanding and motivate change.
Easier said than done, I know. A school can start with this as a value and goal and then be dedicated to figure out how to get there. No school should be pressed to transform its culture in a day. A gradual and earnest process is a good place to start; relying on one another as well as outside experts. The outsiders can help, but quite often it is in a hit-and-run sort of a way. If outsiders are going to be involved, choose a community-based agency with a track record, that you know is willing to stay for the long haul and not come and go. Choose a life partner for change, not a fling.
Michael O'Neill, Sag Harbor Anti-bias Task Force:
It will take the schools to bring home the experience of this trauma, which will help our young both try to understand and to deal with the inexplicability of the evil that haunts us. It is the young that are most amenable to change.
There are now widely used programs thatwere well developed and finely tuned over the decades for the schools to use that are quite familiar to them. They teach tolerance and fight hate. Programs from the Southern Poverty Law Center, the American Jewish Committee, among the many out there, help children recognize anger and triggers of hurt and conflict, meanness, name-calling and acquiring the sensitivity and respect needed to overcome learned bias. When these programs are instituted by school districts and are implemented in the curricula throughout the school year, they are effective.
Unfortunately, it often takes a trauma for school districts to recognize their need. It will take the wisdom accumulated through the mediation of all of the community's institutions to fashion year-round "teaching moments" that will move us forward in the progressive political sense of our shared fate, and the recognition of our interdependence that sustains our very life.
Jeffrey L. Reynolds:
Our educators conduct programs in schools across Nassau and Suffolk, and there's a notion that a 45-minute workshop once a year will fully address these issues. In most cases the schools want more but feel pressured by educational mandates - so much so that issues like violence prevention, HIV/AIDS education, pregnancy prevention, substance use prevention often take a backseat to the three "R's." Nobody wants to be the school at the bottom of a test score list in Newsday. Of course, now Patchogue-Medford's kids are on the cover for several days, so perhaps schools will finally take a second look and find innovative ways to better integrate violence prevention messages and lessons.
Michael Meyers, executive director, New York Civil Rights Coalition:
That schools have an educational role in extirpating base prejudices is certain. But it is not a proselytizing role. Encouraging critical thinking, students' examination of stereotypes, giving students accurate information, a deep understanding of history and current events, and the tools to debate, to see and refute misinformation - [these] are vital to the educational process. But one of the chief examples of wrong-way education is encouraging "tolerance." People who are of so-called "different" races or ethnicity or sexual orientation do not want to be "tolerated." They want their humanity respected and their rights protected.
Individuals are just that, not groups. All blacks do not look alike. Ditto for Hispanics.
Blacks and Hispanics and Asians do not belong to different races from whites. We all belong to the same race, scientists assure us; we are all members of the human race. Indeed, "race" as a social construct is just that. It is a social invention, and it surely does not help educate anyone when our schools and teachers perpetuate myths around "race" - myths such as "white culture" and "black culture." The textbooks our children are reading are profoundly errant.
In this vein, schools should stop paternalistically presenting lessons about "the Negro," or "the African-American" (especially during Black History Month). There is no such thing as "the Negro" or "the African- American." Just like there is no such thing as "the white American" or "the Jew" or "the homosexual." Or, for that matter, "the woman."
Andrew Malekoff, executive director and chief executive officer of the North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center
Omar Henriquez, community organizer
Jeffrey L. Reynolds, chief operating officer of BiasHELP of Long Island
Michael O'Neill, Sag Harbor Anti-bias Task Force
Michael Meyers, executive director of the New York Civil Rights Coalition
Copyright © 2008, Newsday Inc.
Newsday.com
WHAT'S A SCHOOL TO DO ABOUT HATE?, a dialogue
As the shadow of a slain Ecuadorean looms over a high school, a conversation about tattoos, critical thinking and culture
November 23, 2008, pages A52-A53
All seven teenagers charged in the fatal attack of immigrant Marcelo Lucero are students at Patchogue-Medford High School, raising questions about what role schools should play in teaching about racism.
A panel of activists and experts on training and counseling about racism and bias crimes is discussing this issue, and other aspects of the story, at newsday.com/opinion. We've adapted part of the conversation here.
Andrew Malekoff, executive director and chief executive officer, North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center:
I am going to take this question and ask another series of questions related to the situation at hand. . . . Can we take a step beyond curriculum-driven bias education and violence-prevention training and the like, for just a moment, and just imagine how a situation should be handled in real time . . .
Let's say a high school knows that an individual had a tattoo of a swastika printed on his body. Let's say that it is a fact known by some adults and some students in the school. The tattoo is not displayed regularly, but it is exposed when the student changes his clothes to compete on a lacrosse team.
How should this be addressed? Or should it? And is the message that it sends important to the student body and . . . the school culture? Finally, how should a principal, a teacher, a coach, a team and/or a fellow student handle this situation, and what are the implications of each of these person's actions?
Omar Henriquez, community organizer:
Facilitate the process by which members of the black, Latino and immigrant community can fully participate on the school's programs and initiatives. Most of the school board members . . . are white. This has got to change. School boards must reflect the members of the community. Once people of color begin to participate, ideas on how to deal with this and other issues will begin to flow. PTAs must be inclusive. Minority staff should include not only the janitorial, but administration as well. In other words, curtail the discrimination and racism that already exist at that level. It would be a beginning.
Jeffrey L. Reynolds, chief operating officer, BiasHELP of Long Island:
I do think the schools should play a role, though parents, communities, houses of worship, etc., all play a central role as well. Exposure to others makes it somewhat harder to dehumanize and demonize others, so activities that encourage cross-cultural communication are important. And they shouldn't start in high school.
Schools at all grade levels can and should do a variety of things: 1) Ensure diversity among school board members, faculty and staff; 2) Require annual cultural competence trainings for board, faculty and staff; 3) Enact a detailed, written policy on bullying, harassment and violence; 4) Create and facilitate well-integrated (into all subjects) age-appropriate exercises and lessons - heck, encourage kids to help figure out what works and what doesn't; 5) Partner with community-based organizations and law enforcement to help deliver critical messages; 6) Release annual reports about violence, acts of bullying, harassment, etc.; 7) Create new ways for kids to report incidents or seek help in a confidential and maybe even anonymous way, and 8) Come up with a crisis-response game plan that can be put into play following a critical incident.
Some schools are doing some of these things really well. Others not so much. ... Here's the bottom line: Marcelo Lucero was allegedly killed by Jeffrey Conroy, but there's more than enough blame to go around. We need a fresh look at what passes for diversity education - it ain't a "multicultural day" - and we need to hold those educating our kids more accountable.
To address Andrew's tattoo query: I think a conversation should have happened between the student, his parents and school personnel to explore why he felt compelled to adorn his body with a hateful symbol. Beyond that, the student shouldn't be barred from sports but perhaps should have been barred from displaying the tattoo in the locker room or elsewhere.
Andrew Malekoff:
I like Jeffrey's approach to the parents, to explore this issue and to reinforce not baring the tattoo. In Jeffrey's recommendations, he says: "Create new ways for kids to report incidents or seek help in a confidential and maybe even anonymous way." So, someone reports the fact that this kid has a swastika tattoo and says he and others are very uncomfortable with this fact, and that there are adults in the building, who know that he has told, who just shrug. What next? This is now a part of the life of the building. It is not a dramatic, highly publicized news event that gets lots of attention and even a blog on Newsday. Rather, it is a simmering reality in the life of the school that is being ignored.
Yeah, the kid comes in with the parents, and it is addressed and the tattoo is concealed for the most part. But it is alive in the school that J.C. has a swastika on his leg, and it reflects a subculture in the school that is predisposed to such things as "beaner-jumping." This is spoken in whispers, but it is real. What next?
There is a well-known expression in the field of alcoholism that has been generalized beyond the field and that is known to much of the public. It goes like this, "There is an elephant in the room." It represents something that is known to all, that all have deep feelings about, and live with but refuse to confront in a forthright manner.
Not to beat a dead horse (as I ungracefully mix metaphors). But when there is something alive in the culture of an institution, and not in the abstract as in, "XYZ is a racist school or community," for example, but when there is something real in the everyday life of the school or institutional community, like a kid with a swastika, and that same kid with a following, how do schools keep this reality ... from being known but ignored, acknowledged yet accepted in silence?
The insidiousness of something like this either reinforces a sick culture, unsettles a benign culture, or challenges a healthy culture. I am interested in what suggestions there are for how schools (or other institutions) can confront something real like this, not something in the abstract and not something that has been exposed through the media. Because I believe that it is these seemingly minor everyday realities in the life of a school that shape the culture. Where is the counterforce, and what should it look like?
Jeffrey L. Reynolds:
If I ran the school, I'd make sure that the student with the tattoo and those around him got a series of really clear and vivid lessons about the Holocaust and the history behind the swastika. I think your best counterforce are this kid's peers, who should have reacted with horror when seeing the tattoo for the first time. Odds are that, instead, the other kids laughed or said nothing, yet probably had some reservations about it and him. If those kids fully understood the history, they might have been more likely to speak up.
Andrew Malekoff:
I think also that the swastika is a symbol that, in its current use, goes well beyond its origins in Nazi Germany and has morphed into a broader symbol of hate. A history lesson is a good start. And the wish that better educated and more sensitive peers will stand up is one that I share, although I think the standing up part is rare; rare among adults as well. This discussion must also address workplace issues; that is, what happens in the workplace for its employees when such behavior and symbols are forced underground by apathy or fear?
The school is a community made up of children, youth and adult employees who all must be included in the equation. Schools need the capacity for ... confrontation that addresses issues and problems in a direct, caring and forthright manner. When the school or workplace replicates the oppressive or prejudicial behavior of society, caring adults and peers must skillfully intervene to raise consciousness, stimulate interaction, foster understanding and motivate change.
Easier said than done, I know. A school can start with this as a value and goal and then be dedicated to figure out how to get there. No school should be pressed to transform its culture in a day. A gradual and earnest process is a good place to start; relying on one another as well as outside experts. The outsiders can help, but quite often it is in a hit-and-run sort of a way. If outsiders are going to be involved, choose a community-based agency with a track record, that you know is willing to stay for the long haul and not come and go. Choose a life partner for change, not a fling.
Michael O'Neill, Sag Harbor Anti-bias Task Force:
It will take the schools to bring home the experience of this trauma, which will help our young both try to understand and to deal with the inexplicability of the evil that haunts us. It is the young that are most amenable to change.
There are now widely used programs thatwere well developed and finely tuned over the decades for the schools to use that are quite familiar to them. They teach tolerance and fight hate. Programs from the Southern Poverty Law Center, the American Jewish Committee, among the many out there, help children recognize anger and triggers of hurt and conflict, meanness, name-calling and acquiring the sensitivity and respect needed to overcome learned bias. When these programs are instituted by school districts and are implemented in the curricula throughout the school year, they are effective.
Unfortunately, it often takes a trauma for school districts to recognize their need. It will take the wisdom accumulated through the mediation of all of the community's institutions to fashion year-round "teaching moments" that will move us forward in the progressive political sense of our shared fate, and the recognition of our interdependence that sustains our very life.
Jeffrey L. Reynolds:
Our educators conduct programs in schools across Nassau and Suffolk, and there's a notion that a 45-minute workshop once a year will fully address these issues. In most cases the schools want more but feel pressured by educational mandates - so much so that issues like violence prevention, HIV/AIDS education, pregnancy prevention, substance use prevention often take a backseat to the three "R's." Nobody wants to be the school at the bottom of a test score list in Newsday. Of course, now Patchogue-Medford's kids are on the cover for several days, so perhaps schools will finally take a second look and find innovative ways to better integrate violence prevention messages and lessons.
Michael Meyers, executive director, New York Civil Rights Coalition:
That schools have an educational role in extirpating base prejudices is certain. But it is not a proselytizing role. Encouraging critical thinking, students' examination of stereotypes, giving students accurate information, a deep understanding of history and current events, and the tools to debate, to see and refute misinformation - [these] are vital to the educational process. But one of the chief examples of wrong-way education is encouraging "tolerance." People who are of so-called "different" races or ethnicity or sexual orientation do not want to be "tolerated." They want their humanity respected and their rights protected.
Individuals are just that, not groups. All blacks do not look alike. Ditto for Hispanics.
Blacks and Hispanics and Asians do not belong to different races from whites. We all belong to the same race, scientists assure us; we are all members of the human race. Indeed, "race" as a social construct is just that. It is a social invention, and it surely does not help educate anyone when our schools and teachers perpetuate myths around "race" - myths such as "white culture" and "black culture." The textbooks our children are reading are profoundly errant.
In this vein, schools should stop paternalistically presenting lessons about "the Negro," or "the African-American" (especially during Black History Month). There is no such thing as "the Negro" or "the African- American." Just like there is no such thing as "the white American" or "the Jew" or "the homosexual." Or, for that matter, "the woman."
Andrew Malekoff, executive director and chief executive officer of the North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center
Omar Henriquez, community organizer
Jeffrey L. Reynolds, chief operating officer of BiasHELP of Long Island
Michael O'Neill, Sag Harbor Anti-bias Task Force
Michael Meyers, executive director of the New York Civil Rights Coalition
Copyright © 2008, Newsday Inc.
Monday, November 17, 2008
WHAT TEENS NEED
WHAT TEENS NEED
By Andrew Malekoff©
Cries of “hate” ring out in the slaying of Ecuadorean immigrant Marcelo Lucero, allegedly by a group of seven Patchogue-Medford High School students. The victim seems to have been targeted for his ethnicity, and the crime is horrific. But our community will benefit more over the long run by recognizing that while it is not normal to be involved in a murder such as this, it is normal for every adolescent to face the issue of diversity.
Those of us who work with youth in schools, community centers and counseling practices face the challenge of helping teenagers to address the question openly and honestly. We need to encourage discussions about ethnic identity, prejudice, and inter-group relations not as taboo, but as a normal part of growing up.
We can help young people to tune in to ethnically and racially charged local, national and international events impacting on them. When stories like the killing of Marcelo Lucero dominate the media, young people’s stereotyping and polarization are too often reinforced.
A meeting I had with a group of teenagers on Long Island in the immediate aftermath of the Columbine High School shootings comes to mind. The teenagers talked about their feelings regarding profiling and stepped up security in schools and in the community.
One member, Carlos, recalled being stopped by a police officer who asked to check his arms. “He was looking for gang tattoos. He thought I was MS 13,” Carlos explained as he slowly pulled his shirt sleeve back across his forearm as if back in the moment. “I told the cop, ‘First, of all I’m Salvadorian and proud of it. Second, I’m not a gang banger.’ ”
“A week later,” Carlos continued, “I saw the same cop at my restaurant job. It was the same cop! Well, I work as a maitre de and I was wearing my tuxedo. He looked me over and seemed really confused, puzzled. I smiled and said to him ‘See I’m the same person.’ ”
A healthy exchange of ideas and opinions about controversial subjects, especially in the safe environment of a professionally moderated group, enables young people to test out their beliefs and attitudes, to practice listening to others’ views, to respectfully express differences, and to discover common ground.
Carlos’ revelation led another member to share an experience with a different kind of bias. Jackie, a 15-year-old girl with a stud in her tongue and hoops in her left ear, told the group the story about how when she got her tongue pierced, all of a sudden, “Everybody looked at me differently, like I was from another planet, a dirt bag. But I’m the same! I’m still a good student. I’m the same kid as before.”
Jackie’s reflection illustrates that in addition to advancing an understanding of cultural differences, we can reach for common experiences among young people across cultures. This can open pathways for relating among different ethnic groups.
Presently, we all face the sad possibility of seeing a dramatic erosion of empathy and loss of community amid the struggle for economic survival. We cannot afford to allow the development of empathy to slip away from our youth in the process.
I have a hypothesis about the recent presidential election that relates to this issue. This was a campaign in which the possible effects of racism were frequently and publicly expressed — much more than ever before. Long after Barack Obama’s speech about race, there was constant fear expressed in the media about a “Bradley effect,” in which potential voters would tell pollsters they supported Obama and then pull the lever for a white candidate instead.
Perhaps this open discussion about race — somewhat analogous to a group session — gave a number of people a chance to process their feelings and ultimately feel comfortable voting for a black president.
Ironically neither candidate touched the issue of immigration in the debates and town hall meetings. If the presidential election marks a step forward in racial sensitivity, I wonder, did we take a step backward with respect to attitudes about immigration?
Published in NEWSDAY, Sunday, November 16, 2008, pp. A48-A49
________________________________________
By Andrew Malekoff©
Cries of “hate” ring out in the slaying of Ecuadorean immigrant Marcelo Lucero, allegedly by a group of seven Patchogue-Medford High School students. The victim seems to have been targeted for his ethnicity, and the crime is horrific. But our community will benefit more over the long run by recognizing that while it is not normal to be involved in a murder such as this, it is normal for every adolescent to face the issue of diversity.
Those of us who work with youth in schools, community centers and counseling practices face the challenge of helping teenagers to address the question openly and honestly. We need to encourage discussions about ethnic identity, prejudice, and inter-group relations not as taboo, but as a normal part of growing up.
We can help young people to tune in to ethnically and racially charged local, national and international events impacting on them. When stories like the killing of Marcelo Lucero dominate the media, young people’s stereotyping and polarization are too often reinforced.
A meeting I had with a group of teenagers on Long Island in the immediate aftermath of the Columbine High School shootings comes to mind. The teenagers talked about their feelings regarding profiling and stepped up security in schools and in the community.
One member, Carlos, recalled being stopped by a police officer who asked to check his arms. “He was looking for gang tattoos. He thought I was MS 13,” Carlos explained as he slowly pulled his shirt sleeve back across his forearm as if back in the moment. “I told the cop, ‘First, of all I’m Salvadorian and proud of it. Second, I’m not a gang banger.’ ”
“A week later,” Carlos continued, “I saw the same cop at my restaurant job. It was the same cop! Well, I work as a maitre de and I was wearing my tuxedo. He looked me over and seemed really confused, puzzled. I smiled and said to him ‘See I’m the same person.’ ”
A healthy exchange of ideas and opinions about controversial subjects, especially in the safe environment of a professionally moderated group, enables young people to test out their beliefs and attitudes, to practice listening to others’ views, to respectfully express differences, and to discover common ground.
Carlos’ revelation led another member to share an experience with a different kind of bias. Jackie, a 15-year-old girl with a stud in her tongue and hoops in her left ear, told the group the story about how when she got her tongue pierced, all of a sudden, “Everybody looked at me differently, like I was from another planet, a dirt bag. But I’m the same! I’m still a good student. I’m the same kid as before.”
Jackie’s reflection illustrates that in addition to advancing an understanding of cultural differences, we can reach for common experiences among young people across cultures. This can open pathways for relating among different ethnic groups.
Presently, we all face the sad possibility of seeing a dramatic erosion of empathy and loss of community amid the struggle for economic survival. We cannot afford to allow the development of empathy to slip away from our youth in the process.
I have a hypothesis about the recent presidential election that relates to this issue. This was a campaign in which the possible effects of racism were frequently and publicly expressed — much more than ever before. Long after Barack Obama’s speech about race, there was constant fear expressed in the media about a “Bradley effect,” in which potential voters would tell pollsters they supported Obama and then pull the lever for a white candidate instead.
Perhaps this open discussion about race — somewhat analogous to a group session — gave a number of people a chance to process their feelings and ultimately feel comfortable voting for a black president.
Ironically neither candidate touched the issue of immigration in the debates and town hall meetings. If the presidential election marks a step forward in racial sensitivity, I wonder, did we take a step backward with respect to attitudes about immigration?
Published in NEWSDAY, Sunday, November 16, 2008, pp. A48-A49
________________________________________
Monday, October 13, 2008
OUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
OUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
By Andrew Malekoff©
I have known Jay since he was a school age child. After graduating from high school he enlisted in the armed forces where he rose to the rank of Army Specialist. Jay (not his real name) served during Operation Iraqi Freedom and operated a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, a tank that is used in open desert warfare and urban combat environments. Jay and I spent some time together when he was on leave.
Jay plopped himself down on a couch next to me. He opened his laptop, tilted it towards me, and began clicking on to the photos that he took in Iraq. I looked at photos of the local landscape; snapshots of Iraqis of all ages posing with and without American soldiers; pictures of caches of weapons and improvised explosive devices (IEDs); and group shots of soldiers in their teens and early twenties striking various poses, some showing off fresh tattoos.
Sometime after his return to Iraq, Jay was discharged. He received a Purple Heart after an explosion threw him from his tank, leading to severe head trauma. Because he has yet to receive medical clearance to drive a car, his dream of becoming a police officer is fast fading.
Upon his final return home, Jay described to me the circumstances leading to his injury and some of the other situations he encountered during his time at war. Although his stories were haunting reminders of the damaging effects of war, I felt privileged to be one of the trusted few to bear witness to his experience. I knew that my friendship alone would not be enough to help him with the demons that he was trying to shake loose.
Today there is a legion of Jays that are home and on their way home from Iraq and Afghanistan. Many will require a broad array of services to help them and their families with the transition to civilian life.
An April 2008 study by Rand Corporation found that nearly 20% of service men and women returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, or about 300,000, have symptoms of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder with characteristic symptoms of anxiety, depression, irritability, feelings of isolation, intrusive memories of traumatic moments in war, and difficulty sleeping. Yet only 50% have sought treatment, and they have encountered severe delays and deficits in getting care.
Many returning service members come back to families where their spouses have kept the family going during the deployment and have managed many crises and concerns. Some soldiers may not find it easy to accept that their family has changed and roles have shifted, if ever so slightly, in their absence.
Children often will need an adjustment period to warm up to the returning parent. For example, younger children may act shy around them or may not appreciate the returning parent’s need to take care of themselves and to spend time with their partner. Teenage children may seem detached or distant as they spend many hours away from home with their friends, engaged in social activities. Without support, the returning service member may misinterpret this expected behavior and experience it as a personal affront.
As we approach the seventh anniversary of 9/11, let us not forget our military service members who were deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, and their families. I recently had a conversation with John Grillo, a Viet Nam era veteran and board member at North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center. He reminded me that, "The majority of these young men and women are the sons and daughters of our friends and neighbors. For some of us it may even be our son or daughter. For the most part they look okay and act just like us, even though they may be silently struggling with events of their most recent war time experiences. These young men and women deserve our sensitivity and our absolute support."
I don't think that I could have said it any better, and I couldn't agree more.
Originally published in the Anton chain of newspapers, Long Island, New York.
By Andrew Malekoff©
I have known Jay since he was a school age child. After graduating from high school he enlisted in the armed forces where he rose to the rank of Army Specialist. Jay (not his real name) served during Operation Iraqi Freedom and operated a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, a tank that is used in open desert warfare and urban combat environments. Jay and I spent some time together when he was on leave.
Jay plopped himself down on a couch next to me. He opened his laptop, tilted it towards me, and began clicking on to the photos that he took in Iraq. I looked at photos of the local landscape; snapshots of Iraqis of all ages posing with and without American soldiers; pictures of caches of weapons and improvised explosive devices (IEDs); and group shots of soldiers in their teens and early twenties striking various poses, some showing off fresh tattoos.
Sometime after his return to Iraq, Jay was discharged. He received a Purple Heart after an explosion threw him from his tank, leading to severe head trauma. Because he has yet to receive medical clearance to drive a car, his dream of becoming a police officer is fast fading.
Upon his final return home, Jay described to me the circumstances leading to his injury and some of the other situations he encountered during his time at war. Although his stories were haunting reminders of the damaging effects of war, I felt privileged to be one of the trusted few to bear witness to his experience. I knew that my friendship alone would not be enough to help him with the demons that he was trying to shake loose.
Today there is a legion of Jays that are home and on their way home from Iraq and Afghanistan. Many will require a broad array of services to help them and their families with the transition to civilian life.
An April 2008 study by Rand Corporation found that nearly 20% of service men and women returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, or about 300,000, have symptoms of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder with characteristic symptoms of anxiety, depression, irritability, feelings of isolation, intrusive memories of traumatic moments in war, and difficulty sleeping. Yet only 50% have sought treatment, and they have encountered severe delays and deficits in getting care.
Many returning service members come back to families where their spouses have kept the family going during the deployment and have managed many crises and concerns. Some soldiers may not find it easy to accept that their family has changed and roles have shifted, if ever so slightly, in their absence.
Children often will need an adjustment period to warm up to the returning parent. For example, younger children may act shy around them or may not appreciate the returning parent’s need to take care of themselves and to spend time with their partner. Teenage children may seem detached or distant as they spend many hours away from home with their friends, engaged in social activities. Without support, the returning service member may misinterpret this expected behavior and experience it as a personal affront.
As we approach the seventh anniversary of 9/11, let us not forget our military service members who were deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, and their families. I recently had a conversation with John Grillo, a Viet Nam era veteran and board member at North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center. He reminded me that, "The majority of these young men and women are the sons and daughters of our friends and neighbors. For some of us it may even be our son or daughter. For the most part they look okay and act just like us, even though they may be silently struggling with events of their most recent war time experiences. These young men and women deserve our sensitivity and our absolute support."
I don't think that I could have said it any better, and I couldn't agree more.
Originally published in the Anton chain of newspapers, Long Island, New York.
THE ADVERTSING OF EVERYDAY LIFE
The Advertising of Everyday Life
Andrew Malekoff©
In the afterglow of the New York Giants heart-stopping victory in Super Bowl Forty-Two, here is a sobering thought: according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, nearly half of all traffic fatalities during last year’s Super Bowl weekend were caused by impaired drivers with blood alcohol levels of 0.08% and above. Super Bowl Sunday has become one of the deadliest days for drunk driving crashes. It has also become a banner day for alcohol advertisers.
On the eve of the Super Bowl, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) traditionally calls on alcohol beverage marketers to avoid advertisements that appeal to young people. Who can forget Budweiser’s animated lizards Walter and Louie? The use of cartoon characters to promote brand loyalty at an early age is one of the more blatant marketing approaches. There are of course, more subtle and sophisticated approaches that play on the emotional lives of viewers of all ages.
I distinctly recall a televised beer commercial that posed the question, “Why ask why?” The ad portrayed a young man in a bar frustrated by his search for romance finally discovering a “true friend.” As the young man set out on his journey, viewers observed in him a sense of futility and resignation. The voiceover mused rhetorically, “Why ask why...while love isn’t easy…refreshment is.” The ad ended with the young man hoisting a bottle of his favorite brew to his lips.
What this commercial and many like it tell young people is: don't think, don’t feel, numb your senses, and recognize that relationships are hard work and hardly worth the effort. The ad says that although you cannot really depend on others, alcohol is dependable and delivers every time.
Advertisers are clever. Since their goal it is to sell products, it is only logical that they are going to present positive messages about drinking. According to a report issued by The Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth (CAMY) at Georgetown University, from 2001 to 2005, underage youth were almost 250 times more likely to see an advertisement selling alcohol than one of the alcohol industry’s “responsibility” ads, designed to educate young people about the dangers of underage drinking. “The primary messages kids get about alcohol on television are from alcohol product ads that not surprisingly promote their use and enjoyment,” according to David Jernigan, executive director of CAMY.
One of the goals of advertisers is to try and establish brand name loyalty at a tender age. According to addictions experts, by the time our children are 21 years old they will have seen an average of 100,000 alcohol commercials. Since about ten percent of all drinkers consume about fifty percent of alcohol it’s clear that they’re targeting the most vulnerable of our young.
How do you suppose ordinary folks that don’t have the deep pockets of the alcohol industry can contend with this multi-billion-dollar bully pulpit? Have you ever heard the Texas Ranger creed? “No man in the wrong can stand up to a fellow in the right who keep on a –comin’.” Perhaps a corny saying from days done by, but this is just one example of what I refer to as “the advertising of everyday life.” We all know about this.
The advertising of everyday life is comprised of those homespun messages that parents and grandparents and other caregivers pass along to their children. Almost everyone can think of one or two from our growing up years. I believe that parents, and other caring adults, can be just as clever as Madison Avenue.
My mom was an antiques dealer known in the business as Antique Evelyn. She was a businesswoman first, but she loved collecting old signs and tins with interesting advertisements. When I was about 12-years-old Antique Evelyn brought home an old sign that read: None of us in our business or social life can coast along on a reputation of past performances. It’s the good job we do today that counts.
She framed the sign and placed it in a strategic place in the bathroom – just behind the toilet. This way my brother and I (and our dad) would come eye-to-eye with the sign several times a day, every day, year in and year out. According to my own calculations I zoomed in on that sign at least 5,000 times during my youth.
Coaches have slogans, preachers have sermons, teachers have lessons and my mom had signs. These are the advertisements of every day life. Some people might refer to this as imparting values. It is the collective commercials of everyday life that represent the “fellow in the right who keeps on “a-comin’,” a counterforce to the multi-billion-dollar bully and the rest of his gang.
Oh, and about mom’s sign; it is hangs in my office today.
Originally published in the Anton chain of newspapers, Long Island, New York.
Andrew Malekoff©
In the afterglow of the New York Giants heart-stopping victory in Super Bowl Forty-Two, here is a sobering thought: according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, nearly half of all traffic fatalities during last year’s Super Bowl weekend were caused by impaired drivers with blood alcohol levels of 0.08% and above. Super Bowl Sunday has become one of the deadliest days for drunk driving crashes. It has also become a banner day for alcohol advertisers.
On the eve of the Super Bowl, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) traditionally calls on alcohol beverage marketers to avoid advertisements that appeal to young people. Who can forget Budweiser’s animated lizards Walter and Louie? The use of cartoon characters to promote brand loyalty at an early age is one of the more blatant marketing approaches. There are of course, more subtle and sophisticated approaches that play on the emotional lives of viewers of all ages.
I distinctly recall a televised beer commercial that posed the question, “Why ask why?” The ad portrayed a young man in a bar frustrated by his search for romance finally discovering a “true friend.” As the young man set out on his journey, viewers observed in him a sense of futility and resignation. The voiceover mused rhetorically, “Why ask why...while love isn’t easy…refreshment is.” The ad ended with the young man hoisting a bottle of his favorite brew to his lips.
What this commercial and many like it tell young people is: don't think, don’t feel, numb your senses, and recognize that relationships are hard work and hardly worth the effort. The ad says that although you cannot really depend on others, alcohol is dependable and delivers every time.
Advertisers are clever. Since their goal it is to sell products, it is only logical that they are going to present positive messages about drinking. According to a report issued by The Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth (CAMY) at Georgetown University, from 2001 to 2005, underage youth were almost 250 times more likely to see an advertisement selling alcohol than one of the alcohol industry’s “responsibility” ads, designed to educate young people about the dangers of underage drinking. “The primary messages kids get about alcohol on television are from alcohol product ads that not surprisingly promote their use and enjoyment,” according to David Jernigan, executive director of CAMY.
One of the goals of advertisers is to try and establish brand name loyalty at a tender age. According to addictions experts, by the time our children are 21 years old they will have seen an average of 100,000 alcohol commercials. Since about ten percent of all drinkers consume about fifty percent of alcohol it’s clear that they’re targeting the most vulnerable of our young.
How do you suppose ordinary folks that don’t have the deep pockets of the alcohol industry can contend with this multi-billion-dollar bully pulpit? Have you ever heard the Texas Ranger creed? “No man in the wrong can stand up to a fellow in the right who keep on a –comin’.” Perhaps a corny saying from days done by, but this is just one example of what I refer to as “the advertising of everyday life.” We all know about this.
The advertising of everyday life is comprised of those homespun messages that parents and grandparents and other caregivers pass along to their children. Almost everyone can think of one or two from our growing up years. I believe that parents, and other caring adults, can be just as clever as Madison Avenue.
My mom was an antiques dealer known in the business as Antique Evelyn. She was a businesswoman first, but she loved collecting old signs and tins with interesting advertisements. When I was about 12-years-old Antique Evelyn brought home an old sign that read: None of us in our business or social life can coast along on a reputation of past performances. It’s the good job we do today that counts.
She framed the sign and placed it in a strategic place in the bathroom – just behind the toilet. This way my brother and I (and our dad) would come eye-to-eye with the sign several times a day, every day, year in and year out. According to my own calculations I zoomed in on that sign at least 5,000 times during my youth.
Coaches have slogans, preachers have sermons, teachers have lessons and my mom had signs. These are the advertisements of every day life. Some people might refer to this as imparting values. It is the collective commercials of everyday life that represent the “fellow in the right who keeps on “a-comin’,” a counterforce to the multi-billion-dollar bully and the rest of his gang.
Oh, and about mom’s sign; it is hangs in my office today.
Originally published in the Anton chain of newspapers, Long Island, New York.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
FIRST TIME VOTERS - VOTE!
FIRST TIME VOTERS – VOTE!
By Andrew Malekoff©
As Election Day 2008 approaches I wonder how first-time voters, particularly teenagers, are faring with the challenge of sorting out the two candidates. Even when I have had my best sleep and my powers of concentration are sharpest, I cannot fully trust what I am thinking and hearing and whether or not I can accurately differentiate substance from style and media image from genuine person. As I watch and listen to the debates and see political ads flashing by, I am reminded of psychologist Howard Gardner’s view that we tend to place great emphasis on intellect, especially language skills and ability to reason and perhaps less emphasis on more personal intelligences.
The Candidates, Character and Multiple Intelligences
Dr. Gardner, author of “Multiple Intelligences,” identifies key areas that we should look for in leaders that go beyond scholastic ability. They include abilities to understand oneself and others; and an ability to address profound human concerns, and especially during times of crisis. These are abilities that we cannot possible know about for sure through scripted sound bytes and clever marketing.
We know that John McCain is a war hero, a brave soldier who refused to abandon his comrades and made an unimaginable personal sacrifice. We know that Barack Obama is the product of a racially mixed union. He resolutely navigated a labyrinth of social minefields that growing up biracial necessitates.
In my view, both are imperfect men of character that have proven themselves in times of crisis. If there is agreement that the character issue is a wash, does it make it any easier for young people placing their ballot for the time? I think not. After all, it doesn’t make it any easier for me.
Fear Factor
And, we cannot forget about the fear factor, the fire that is ignited and stoked in the laboratories of sleazy political operatives who trade in paranoia. They tell us that the actuarial tables are stacked against 72-year old John McCain, and that Barack Obama is a variation of the fictional Manchurian Candidate on a mission to bring down the country. The fear factor is aimed at fence sitters, independents who can be swayed one way or the other and whose collective votes can make all the difference.
So when one checks off character, pushes through media deceit, and overcomes the fear factor – all formidable obstacles to overcome – first-time voters are left with faith, faith about what they glean that each candidate really stands for in the areas that are most important to them.
Hometown Security
For me, what is really important in this era of homeland security, physical security that protects us from the outside-in, is that we don’t ignore hometown security, security that protects us from the inside-out. Inside-out security is about what needs to happen in the guts of our states, cities and towns to improve the standard of living, quality of education and physical and mental health care for all Americans.
Since 2001, according to first ever American Human Development Report (2008-2009) for a wealthy, developed nation, published by the Columbia University Press, “the income of the typical American family has stagnated…health outcomes for children are bad and not improving…and globalization and technological change have made it extraordinarily difficult for poorly educated Americans to achieve economic self sufficiency, peace of mind and self-respect enabled by a secure livelihood.”
Sorting More than Campaign Buttons
When I vote in a few days I will be reminded for the first time in decades of the excitement in the air that I felt as a child when the Kennedy-Nixon campaign was in full swing in 1959. I was too young to vote but I was able to choose a button from a bridge table that someone set up around the corner from our apartment on Wainwright Street in Newark, New Jersey. I was happy with the button I chose to pin to my t-shirt.
This year, almost a half-a-century later, there is a lot more to do than to sorting out buttons. First-time voters and I need to sort truth from slick campaigning fiction. As Reverend Theodore Hesburgh, former president of Notre Dame University said, “Voting is a civic sacrament.”
I offer all good wishes to first-time voters who have sacrificed their time and energy to make some sense of who to support on November 4th. It is the soul searching and the struggling through that make you the true winners on Election Day.
Congratulations and welcome to the machine.
To be published in the Anton chain of Newspapers, Long Island, New York in October 2008
By Andrew Malekoff©
As Election Day 2008 approaches I wonder how first-time voters, particularly teenagers, are faring with the challenge of sorting out the two candidates. Even when I have had my best sleep and my powers of concentration are sharpest, I cannot fully trust what I am thinking and hearing and whether or not I can accurately differentiate substance from style and media image from genuine person. As I watch and listen to the debates and see political ads flashing by, I am reminded of psychologist Howard Gardner’s view that we tend to place great emphasis on intellect, especially language skills and ability to reason and perhaps less emphasis on more personal intelligences.
The Candidates, Character and Multiple Intelligences
Dr. Gardner, author of “Multiple Intelligences,” identifies key areas that we should look for in leaders that go beyond scholastic ability. They include abilities to understand oneself and others; and an ability to address profound human concerns, and especially during times of crisis. These are abilities that we cannot possible know about for sure through scripted sound bytes and clever marketing.
We know that John McCain is a war hero, a brave soldier who refused to abandon his comrades and made an unimaginable personal sacrifice. We know that Barack Obama is the product of a racially mixed union. He resolutely navigated a labyrinth of social minefields that growing up biracial necessitates.
In my view, both are imperfect men of character that have proven themselves in times of crisis. If there is agreement that the character issue is a wash, does it make it any easier for young people placing their ballot for the time? I think not. After all, it doesn’t make it any easier for me.
Fear Factor
And, we cannot forget about the fear factor, the fire that is ignited and stoked in the laboratories of sleazy political operatives who trade in paranoia. They tell us that the actuarial tables are stacked against 72-year old John McCain, and that Barack Obama is a variation of the fictional Manchurian Candidate on a mission to bring down the country. The fear factor is aimed at fence sitters, independents who can be swayed one way or the other and whose collective votes can make all the difference.
So when one checks off character, pushes through media deceit, and overcomes the fear factor – all formidable obstacles to overcome – first-time voters are left with faith, faith about what they glean that each candidate really stands for in the areas that are most important to them.
Hometown Security
For me, what is really important in this era of homeland security, physical security that protects us from the outside-in, is that we don’t ignore hometown security, security that protects us from the inside-out. Inside-out security is about what needs to happen in the guts of our states, cities and towns to improve the standard of living, quality of education and physical and mental health care for all Americans.
Since 2001, according to first ever American Human Development Report (2008-2009) for a wealthy, developed nation, published by the Columbia University Press, “the income of the typical American family has stagnated…health outcomes for children are bad and not improving…and globalization and technological change have made it extraordinarily difficult for poorly educated Americans to achieve economic self sufficiency, peace of mind and self-respect enabled by a secure livelihood.”
Sorting More than Campaign Buttons
When I vote in a few days I will be reminded for the first time in decades of the excitement in the air that I felt as a child when the Kennedy-Nixon campaign was in full swing in 1959. I was too young to vote but I was able to choose a button from a bridge table that someone set up around the corner from our apartment on Wainwright Street in Newark, New Jersey. I was happy with the button I chose to pin to my t-shirt.
This year, almost a half-a-century later, there is a lot more to do than to sorting out buttons. First-time voters and I need to sort truth from slick campaigning fiction. As Reverend Theodore Hesburgh, former president of Notre Dame University said, “Voting is a civic sacrament.”
I offer all good wishes to first-time voters who have sacrificed their time and energy to make some sense of who to support on November 4th. It is the soul searching and the struggling through that make you the true winners on Election Day.
Congratulations and welcome to the machine.
To be published in the Anton chain of Newspapers, Long Island, New York in October 2008
GORDIE AND 100 COLLEGE PRESIDENTS
GORDIE AND 100 COLLEGE PRESIDENTS
By Andrew Malekoff©
On September 17, 2004, Gordie Bailey, then an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Colorado, died of alcohol poisoning as a result of a fraternity initiation for pledges.
Now is the time of year that fraternities begin “rushing” or recruiting pledges. This begins with a phase of goodwill and backslapping. As each desirable prospect that is offered, accepts a formal invitation to become a part of a pledge class, a new group is formed that then enters a stage of initiation. I went through this as an undergraduate student at Rutgers College.
Fraternity Initiation and Hazing
Initiation activities and ceremonies in fraternities differ from fraternity house to fraternity house. They include a combination of learning about fraternity tradition, performing community service and, in some cases, being subjected to ritualistic harassment, abuse, or persecution, also known as hazing. Sometimes the latter involves excessive and binge drinking.
I was subjected to fairly benign and sophomoric hazing and mild humiliation such as standing on my head while pancake syrup was poured down my pant leg. I was ordered to do pushups when couldn’t recall a fraternity brother’s hometown or if I flubbed a fraternity song.
No one ever demanded that I consume any amount of alcohol as a part of the initiation ceremony. I am not sure what I would have done, had this been demanded of me. At the time the drinking age in New Jersey was 18, so legal implications were not a consideration.
One Hundred College Presidents
Just weeks before the fourth anniversary of Gordie’s death, a news report stated that over 100 presidents and chancellors from some of the nation’s leading universities are advocating for a reduction in the drinking age from 21 to 18, believing that this will reduce binge drinking. Not all agree.
University of Miami (Ohio) president David Hodge refused to sign on with this group, known as the Amethyst Initiative (www.amethystinitiative.org). In a September 5, 2008 interview with his school’s newspaper, President Hodge repudiated his colleagues asserting that more than half of the students entering college have already begun drinking illegally and he fears that lowering the drinking age to 18 would increase alcohol abuse in high schools.
Joseph A. Califano Jr., chairman of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, states that “Every year on college campuses 700,000 students are injured due to alcohol abuse, 1700 die as a result of alcohol abuse, and 22% meet the medical diagnostic criteria for alcohol or drug abuse or addiction.” What this means is that we have a major public health crisis on college campuses across the nation.
Is the answer to reduce the drinking age? I think not.
Missing the Boat
The one hundred-plus leaders of higher education who subscribe to the Amethyst Initiative are missing the boat. It is simply not enough for them to recite the hackneyed logic found on their website that says that if “adults under 21 are deemed capable of voting, signing contracts, serving on juries and enlisting in the military [they should be entitled] to have a beer.” This level of analysis will only contribute to increased profits for the alcohol industry at the expense of young people’s well being.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has analyzed numerous studies in states where the drinking age was boosted from 18 to 21 and found that increasing the drinking age significantly lessened harm and death among young people.
The Gordie Foundation
Since Gordie Bailey’s death, his family created the Gordie Foundation to provide young people with the skills to navigate the dangers of alcohol, binge drinking, peer pressure and hazing. The foundation’s website (http://www.gordie.org/) contains a video trailer for a motion picture entitled HAZE that is intended to confront this national health crisis that affects just about every campus in America.
If you have a child in college and particularly one who is a fraternity member or prospective pledge, tell them to go to this website and to watch the trailer, after you have viewed it yourself. It will only take five minutes. If you are a guidance counselor, preparing students for college, take a look. Then talk it over.
And, while you’re at it, drop an email or letter to the president or chancellor of your child’s school and send them the link.
This column was originally published in the Anton chain of Long Island, New York newspapers in September 2008
By Andrew Malekoff©
On September 17, 2004, Gordie Bailey, then an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Colorado, died of alcohol poisoning as a result of a fraternity initiation for pledges.
Now is the time of year that fraternities begin “rushing” or recruiting pledges. This begins with a phase of goodwill and backslapping. As each desirable prospect that is offered, accepts a formal invitation to become a part of a pledge class, a new group is formed that then enters a stage of initiation. I went through this as an undergraduate student at Rutgers College.
Fraternity Initiation and Hazing
Initiation activities and ceremonies in fraternities differ from fraternity house to fraternity house. They include a combination of learning about fraternity tradition, performing community service and, in some cases, being subjected to ritualistic harassment, abuse, or persecution, also known as hazing. Sometimes the latter involves excessive and binge drinking.
I was subjected to fairly benign and sophomoric hazing and mild humiliation such as standing on my head while pancake syrup was poured down my pant leg. I was ordered to do pushups when couldn’t recall a fraternity brother’s hometown or if I flubbed a fraternity song.
No one ever demanded that I consume any amount of alcohol as a part of the initiation ceremony. I am not sure what I would have done, had this been demanded of me. At the time the drinking age in New Jersey was 18, so legal implications were not a consideration.
One Hundred College Presidents
Just weeks before the fourth anniversary of Gordie’s death, a news report stated that over 100 presidents and chancellors from some of the nation’s leading universities are advocating for a reduction in the drinking age from 21 to 18, believing that this will reduce binge drinking. Not all agree.
University of Miami (Ohio) president David Hodge refused to sign on with this group, known as the Amethyst Initiative (www.amethystinitiative.org). In a September 5, 2008 interview with his school’s newspaper, President Hodge repudiated his colleagues asserting that more than half of the students entering college have already begun drinking illegally and he fears that lowering the drinking age to 18 would increase alcohol abuse in high schools.
Joseph A. Califano Jr., chairman of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, states that “Every year on college campuses 700,000 students are injured due to alcohol abuse, 1700 die as a result of alcohol abuse, and 22% meet the medical diagnostic criteria for alcohol or drug abuse or addiction.” What this means is that we have a major public health crisis on college campuses across the nation.
Is the answer to reduce the drinking age? I think not.
Missing the Boat
The one hundred-plus leaders of higher education who subscribe to the Amethyst Initiative are missing the boat. It is simply not enough for them to recite the hackneyed logic found on their website that says that if “adults under 21 are deemed capable of voting, signing contracts, serving on juries and enlisting in the military [they should be entitled] to have a beer.” This level of analysis will only contribute to increased profits for the alcohol industry at the expense of young people’s well being.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has analyzed numerous studies in states where the drinking age was boosted from 18 to 21 and found that increasing the drinking age significantly lessened harm and death among young people.
The Gordie Foundation
Since Gordie Bailey’s death, his family created the Gordie Foundation to provide young people with the skills to navigate the dangers of alcohol, binge drinking, peer pressure and hazing. The foundation’s website (http://www.gordie.org/) contains a video trailer for a motion picture entitled HAZE that is intended to confront this national health crisis that affects just about every campus in America.
If you have a child in college and particularly one who is a fraternity member or prospective pledge, tell them to go to this website and to watch the trailer, after you have viewed it yourself. It will only take five minutes. If you are a guidance counselor, preparing students for college, take a look. Then talk it over.
And, while you’re at it, drop an email or letter to the president or chancellor of your child’s school and send them the link.
This column was originally published in the Anton chain of Long Island, New York newspapers in September 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
"SINCE YOUR NEW BABY WAS BORN, HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT HOPELESS"
“Since your new baby was born, how often have you felt hopeless?”
By Andrew Malekoff©
Care to venture a guess as to what grade level of student has the highest rate of expulsion from school because of problematic behavior? Let’s see how you did.
According to a research study at Yale University, led by Dr. Walter Gilliam, the rate of expulsion in pre-kindergarten programs serving three- and four-year-olds is more than three times that of children in grades K through 12. According to Dr. Gilliam the study did not explore reasons why the children were expelled, "We weren't measuring behavioral problems, we were measuring the decisions teachers make." So, we are left to speculate and to study the risks that pre-school children face that contribute to this astounding statistic.
Early childhood mental health expert Jane Knitzer offers a clue when she tells us that “research indicates that babies whose mothers are depressed…may ‘act out’ in early childhood programs, and sometimes be ejected from them.” At the Marks Family Right from the Start 0-3+ Center (RFTS), a division of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, we know that the emotional health of a parent influences a child’s development. In a survey we found that over 60% of families of 147 recent admissions reported serious behavior problems in children as young as 2 years of age. A review of the histories of these families found between 50 and 75% of the children were living with a depressed parent, most often a mom with a history of depression.
Sandra Radzanower Wolkoff, RFTS director, advises that we need to pay attention not only to maternal depression, but to the mood disorders that accompany childbirth and that are often an unexpected complication of pregnancy. Although we are not always sure of the causes for onset, what we do know according Wolkoff, is that “danger lies in how they incapacitate mothers, frighten fathers, and embroil infants.”
One young mother who is recovering from post-partum depression at RFTS recently told a rapt audience at a North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center event at the Glen Head Country Club, about how she could barely lift her head off of her pillow, let alone lift and hold and cuddle and care for her baby.
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that postpartum depression affects up to 20% of mothers within the first year after giving birth. The rate of depression for mothers living in poverty is close to a staggering 50%. Mental health experts agree that constancy of relationship from early childhood is the single best predictor of positive outcomes in later life. Promoting safe and warm relationships with parents and other caregivers is key to young children’s healthy development and later success in school and beyond. Maternal depression, left untreated, may be a key factor leading to the expulsion of pre-schoolers.
According to Wolkoff, “Depressed mothers tend to perceive their children as being more difficult, frequently viewing their children more negatively. Mothers who are suffering from depression can respond with too little emotion or energy, or overreact with aggression and irritability. The origin of this inconsistency in parenting is not a lack of desire. Rather, it is consequence of utter exhaustion.”
The Center on Disease Control in Atlanta administered a surveillance project aimed at identifying maternal depression early on. Two questions that they asked moms are: 1) Since your new baby was born, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless? and 2) Since your new baby was born, how often have you had little interest or little pleasure in doing things? The women who answered "often" or "always" to either question were classified as experiencing self-reported post-partum depressive symptoms. Detecting the problem is the first step in getting moms and their families the help they need.
We must encourage primary care physicians and other health professionals to incorporate these questions into their encounters with pregnant women and mothers of infants. If you are reading this clip it, highlight these two questions and pass it along it to your local pediatrician, obstetrician and gynecologist or pediatric hospital unit. Add a personal note. Who knows, maybe it will keep one more child from being expelled.
Children grow best when they feel safe and are safe. Healthy attachments are not about children getting what they want, but getting what they need—the assurance that an adult caregiver is by their side, looking out for them, teaching them how to manage their own feelings, and learning about the give and take of relationships. All children deserve this. Let’s take a small step to make sure they get it.
Originally published in the Anton Newspapers, Long Island, New York, July 2008
By Andrew Malekoff©
Care to venture a guess as to what grade level of student has the highest rate of expulsion from school because of problematic behavior? Let’s see how you did.
According to a research study at Yale University, led by Dr. Walter Gilliam, the rate of expulsion in pre-kindergarten programs serving three- and four-year-olds is more than three times that of children in grades K through 12. According to Dr. Gilliam the study did not explore reasons why the children were expelled, "We weren't measuring behavioral problems, we were measuring the decisions teachers make." So, we are left to speculate and to study the risks that pre-school children face that contribute to this astounding statistic.
Early childhood mental health expert Jane Knitzer offers a clue when she tells us that “research indicates that babies whose mothers are depressed…may ‘act out’ in early childhood programs, and sometimes be ejected from them.” At the Marks Family Right from the Start 0-3+ Center (RFTS), a division of North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center, we know that the emotional health of a parent influences a child’s development. In a survey we found that over 60% of families of 147 recent admissions reported serious behavior problems in children as young as 2 years of age. A review of the histories of these families found between 50 and 75% of the children were living with a depressed parent, most often a mom with a history of depression.
Sandra Radzanower Wolkoff, RFTS director, advises that we need to pay attention not only to maternal depression, but to the mood disorders that accompany childbirth and that are often an unexpected complication of pregnancy. Although we are not always sure of the causes for onset, what we do know according Wolkoff, is that “danger lies in how they incapacitate mothers, frighten fathers, and embroil infants.”
One young mother who is recovering from post-partum depression at RFTS recently told a rapt audience at a North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center event at the Glen Head Country Club, about how she could barely lift her head off of her pillow, let alone lift and hold and cuddle and care for her baby.
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that postpartum depression affects up to 20% of mothers within the first year after giving birth. The rate of depression for mothers living in poverty is close to a staggering 50%. Mental health experts agree that constancy of relationship from early childhood is the single best predictor of positive outcomes in later life. Promoting safe and warm relationships with parents and other caregivers is key to young children’s healthy development and later success in school and beyond. Maternal depression, left untreated, may be a key factor leading to the expulsion of pre-schoolers.
According to Wolkoff, “Depressed mothers tend to perceive their children as being more difficult, frequently viewing their children more negatively. Mothers who are suffering from depression can respond with too little emotion or energy, or overreact with aggression and irritability. The origin of this inconsistency in parenting is not a lack of desire. Rather, it is consequence of utter exhaustion.”
The Center on Disease Control in Atlanta administered a surveillance project aimed at identifying maternal depression early on. Two questions that they asked moms are: 1) Since your new baby was born, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless? and 2) Since your new baby was born, how often have you had little interest or little pleasure in doing things? The women who answered "often" or "always" to either question were classified as experiencing self-reported post-partum depressive symptoms. Detecting the problem is the first step in getting moms and their families the help they need.
We must encourage primary care physicians and other health professionals to incorporate these questions into their encounters with pregnant women and mothers of infants. If you are reading this clip it, highlight these two questions and pass it along it to your local pediatrician, obstetrician and gynecologist or pediatric hospital unit. Add a personal note. Who knows, maybe it will keep one more child from being expelled.
Children grow best when they feel safe and are safe. Healthy attachments are not about children getting what they want, but getting what they need—the assurance that an adult caregiver is by their side, looking out for them, teaching them how to manage their own feelings, and learning about the give and take of relationships. All children deserve this. Let’s take a small step to make sure they get it.
Originally published in the Anton Newspapers, Long Island, New York, July 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
KATIE'S LAW AND NEIL'S VOICE
Katie's Law and Neil's Voice
by Andrew Malekoff©
Sitting on my desk in my home in Long Beach since early March 2007 are published excerpts of the impact statements made by seven-year-old Katie Flynn’s family before the sentencing of a 25-year-old drunken driver who was convicted of killing her and Stanley Rabinowitz in July 2005. Time and time again I find myself going back to the statement of Katie’s dad, Neil Flynn.
"I have learned that fatherhood is the greatest endeavor a man can undertake. My children are the central focus of my existence. They justify my life. Without them I would be nothing."
On June 21, 2007 the New York State Assembly unanimously passed a bill that was co-sponsored by state Assemblyman Harvey Weisenberg and state Senator Charles Fuschillo that makes aggravated vehicular homicide a crime. This crime may be charged when a death is caused by a drunken driver and that includes additional death or serious injury, a previous conviction of driving under the influence, a blood-alcohol content of 0.18 or more and driving with a suspended license.
"From my first waking moments my thoughts are dominated by sadness, grief and anxiety. At least three times a day I am overwhelmed by grief and break down in tears despite the fact that I am on two powerful anti-depressants. I frequently cry in front of my children, which is extremely painful to me and damaging to them."
The first thing I did after reading about the law was to talk to my two sons, ages 18 and 22. I told them, “Boys, we have had this discussion before, but please make sure that under no circumstances do you drink and drive. Not after a party or if you go to a wedding or affair of any kind as you get older. Just don't do it! It is not worth it. I am sorry to lecture you and to be so serious, but I love you and want you to be safe and not make a fatal and life changing mistake. The new law won't stop everybody from drinking and driving, but it could prevent many everyday people who make this mistake from killing someone and then getting sentenced to long and hard years in prison.”
"My sleep is punctuated by nightmares and I wake often. I rarely dream of Katie alive. I have done so only three times since her death. Although waking from these dreams is incredibly painful, I wish I had them more often. I wake after three or four hours and stare aimlessly at pointless television shows. I drift back to sleep in the early morning for a few more fitful hours before starting the cycle again."
Once this column is printed I will give it to my sons. I want them to put my “lecture” into context and to know that beyond the severe penalties that the new law brings that there is a father’s anguish. I want them to hear Neil Flynn.
"I do not know joy. I have no hope for a better future here on earth…I cannot overcome my sadness. I am desolate."
I hope that the new law will serve as a deterrent for my sons. More than that, though, I want them to think not only of Katie’s Law but to also hear Neil’s Voice.
And, although we have never met I want Neil Flynn to know, father to father, how sorry I am for his devastating loss and how thankful I am to him for opening his soul so that others may be saved.
Originally published in Long Island, New York's Anton Newspapers
by Andrew Malekoff©
Sitting on my desk in my home in Long Beach since early March 2007 are published excerpts of the impact statements made by seven-year-old Katie Flynn’s family before the sentencing of a 25-year-old drunken driver who was convicted of killing her and Stanley Rabinowitz in July 2005. Time and time again I find myself going back to the statement of Katie’s dad, Neil Flynn.
"I have learned that fatherhood is the greatest endeavor a man can undertake. My children are the central focus of my existence. They justify my life. Without them I would be nothing."
On June 21, 2007 the New York State Assembly unanimously passed a bill that was co-sponsored by state Assemblyman Harvey Weisenberg and state Senator Charles Fuschillo that makes aggravated vehicular homicide a crime. This crime may be charged when a death is caused by a drunken driver and that includes additional death or serious injury, a previous conviction of driving under the influence, a blood-alcohol content of 0.18 or more and driving with a suspended license.
"From my first waking moments my thoughts are dominated by sadness, grief and anxiety. At least three times a day I am overwhelmed by grief and break down in tears despite the fact that I am on two powerful anti-depressants. I frequently cry in front of my children, which is extremely painful to me and damaging to them."
The first thing I did after reading about the law was to talk to my two sons, ages 18 and 22. I told them, “Boys, we have had this discussion before, but please make sure that under no circumstances do you drink and drive. Not after a party or if you go to a wedding or affair of any kind as you get older. Just don't do it! It is not worth it. I am sorry to lecture you and to be so serious, but I love you and want you to be safe and not make a fatal and life changing mistake. The new law won't stop everybody from drinking and driving, but it could prevent many everyday people who make this mistake from killing someone and then getting sentenced to long and hard years in prison.”
"My sleep is punctuated by nightmares and I wake often. I rarely dream of Katie alive. I have done so only three times since her death. Although waking from these dreams is incredibly painful, I wish I had them more often. I wake after three or four hours and stare aimlessly at pointless television shows. I drift back to sleep in the early morning for a few more fitful hours before starting the cycle again."
Once this column is printed I will give it to my sons. I want them to put my “lecture” into context and to know that beyond the severe penalties that the new law brings that there is a father’s anguish. I want them to hear Neil Flynn.
"I do not know joy. I have no hope for a better future here on earth…I cannot overcome my sadness. I am desolate."
I hope that the new law will serve as a deterrent for my sons. More than that, though, I want them to think not only of Katie’s Law but to also hear Neil’s Voice.
And, although we have never met I want Neil Flynn to know, father to father, how sorry I am for his devastating loss and how thankful I am to him for opening his soul so that others may be saved.
Originally published in Long Island, New York's Anton Newspapers
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
TRAUMATIZED TEENS NEED HELP
Truamatized Teens Need Help
by Andrew Malekoff©
Reports of teens murdering their parents have a way of getting reactions from the public that tell us a lot about ourselves. The first question many people raise is: Should these kids be tried as adults or subject to a more humane and child-friendly legal standard? But this doesn't address the problem of prevention. How do we stop them from killing in the first place?
In a culture that often glorifies violence increasing numbers of young people, when they reach a boiling point of anger or actual mental illness, might literally do anything to satisfy their frustrations or to gain attention. Bravado, especially for teenagers, is everything, and for any action that seems the slightest bit threatening - a put-down, a disagreement, a dirty look - they often will seek immediate retaliation.
The recent cases of a 12-year-old girl accused of strangling her mother in Freeport and a 17-year-old boy charged with choking his father in Wyandanch represent extreme outcomes, of course. But their origins are common: Children are caught in an escalating situation, usually with people they know, from which they cannot disengage, and they lack skills, aside from violence, for defusing it.
When the result is murder, the story gets into the news. But those of us who work with teenagers for a living are seeing an unpublicized increase in the kinds of cases that can lead to this sorry end: children and teens with serious emotional disturbances who are victims of childhood trauma or have witnessed domestic violence, and who are exhibiting unmanageable behavior.
When a child wakes up each morning with a sense of dread and fear, he approaches the day in a state of arousal and anxiety. He is likely to cope by lashing out and moving from impulse to action without pausing to reflect. Or, absent a capacity to soothe himself, he will turn his feelings inward, fueling depression, and suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors.
Society expects parents to do everything that's needed to solve this problem: to counter violent messages in the media, teach children problem-solving skills, and then keep them physically and emotionally safe. These are unrealistic expectations. Too many parents lack the information and wherewithal to accomplish this on their own, and many are themselves emotionally troubled. Parents need a system of support.
And children need order and consistency in their lives. They need safe places to go, with worthwhile things to do and opportunities for belonging. And they need relationships with competent adults who understand and care about them.If a young person can get all of this naturally within the family and from neighbors, a highly structured support program may not be necessary. The problem is that supportive communities and social structures have largely disappeared, especially in widely dispersed suburban communities like those on Long Island, where the first feature one notices are garages that are easy to slip into without interacting with or even seeing a neighbor.
Just weeks after the Columbine High School shootings, I met with a group of about 25 teens and adults from Long Island who gathered to address the impact of a distant horror that had hit so close to home. To the surprise of most of the adults, the teenagers said that what they really needed and wanted was closer relationships with adults - at home, at school and in the community. They were starving for someone to pay attention to them.Yet, they admitted that they also push grown-ups away. "Is this what you really want to happen?" I asked. The overwhelming response was an emphatic "No."This is a paradoxical aspect of young people's psychology that often confounds adults. They have a strong need for adult contact, coexisting with the need to be separate, expressed as "Understand me, but leave me alone."
This suggests that teenagers want adult support but are unlikely to go out of their way to seek it out. On Long Island there has been steady progress in the human services community toward programs that are based on partnerships with parents, schools, government agencies and community-based organizations that bring adult support out of private offices to where the teenage action is.
A prime example is the Intensive Support Program, a school-based mental health partnership between Nassau BOCES' Department of Special Education and my agency, North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center. The program targets children and youth aged 5 to 21 with serious emotional disturbances, aiming to improve their social, emotional and academic development and prevent costly long-term placements in residential institutions by keeping them at home.
An effort intended to steer children away from violent activity and gang involvement by offering such services as conflict resolution, cultural activities and tutoring is occurring in the Westbury and Port Washington schools in the Helping Each Other Program for Latino youth. This collaboration with The Place Adolescent Services Center, which is also affiliated with the North Shore guidance center, matches trained high school mentors of Hispanic heritage with younger students.
The cutting edge of youth service work in the suburbs is to be where the kids are. Of course, there is a cost. But it's just a fraction of the cost to house troubled teenagers in a mental-health or juvenile justice institution.If legislators and government officials can get past the cost-cutting ploy of referring to such services as "discretionary," we will see much less youth violence, and certainly fewer murders, in the long run. These are essential human services that require a significant investment now, before it is too late.
Originally published in Newsday, July 2005.
by Andrew Malekoff©
Reports of teens murdering their parents have a way of getting reactions from the public that tell us a lot about ourselves. The first question many people raise is: Should these kids be tried as adults or subject to a more humane and child-friendly legal standard? But this doesn't address the problem of prevention. How do we stop them from killing in the first place?
In a culture that often glorifies violence increasing numbers of young people, when they reach a boiling point of anger or actual mental illness, might literally do anything to satisfy their frustrations or to gain attention. Bravado, especially for teenagers, is everything, and for any action that seems the slightest bit threatening - a put-down, a disagreement, a dirty look - they often will seek immediate retaliation.
The recent cases of a 12-year-old girl accused of strangling her mother in Freeport and a 17-year-old boy charged with choking his father in Wyandanch represent extreme outcomes, of course. But their origins are common: Children are caught in an escalating situation, usually with people they know, from which they cannot disengage, and they lack skills, aside from violence, for defusing it.
When the result is murder, the story gets into the news. But those of us who work with teenagers for a living are seeing an unpublicized increase in the kinds of cases that can lead to this sorry end: children and teens with serious emotional disturbances who are victims of childhood trauma or have witnessed domestic violence, and who are exhibiting unmanageable behavior.
When a child wakes up each morning with a sense of dread and fear, he approaches the day in a state of arousal and anxiety. He is likely to cope by lashing out and moving from impulse to action without pausing to reflect. Or, absent a capacity to soothe himself, he will turn his feelings inward, fueling depression, and suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors.
Society expects parents to do everything that's needed to solve this problem: to counter violent messages in the media, teach children problem-solving skills, and then keep them physically and emotionally safe. These are unrealistic expectations. Too many parents lack the information and wherewithal to accomplish this on their own, and many are themselves emotionally troubled. Parents need a system of support.
And children need order and consistency in their lives. They need safe places to go, with worthwhile things to do and opportunities for belonging. And they need relationships with competent adults who understand and care about them.If a young person can get all of this naturally within the family and from neighbors, a highly structured support program may not be necessary. The problem is that supportive communities and social structures have largely disappeared, especially in widely dispersed suburban communities like those on Long Island, where the first feature one notices are garages that are easy to slip into without interacting with or even seeing a neighbor.
Just weeks after the Columbine High School shootings, I met with a group of about 25 teens and adults from Long Island who gathered to address the impact of a distant horror that had hit so close to home. To the surprise of most of the adults, the teenagers said that what they really needed and wanted was closer relationships with adults - at home, at school and in the community. They were starving for someone to pay attention to them.Yet, they admitted that they also push grown-ups away. "Is this what you really want to happen?" I asked. The overwhelming response was an emphatic "No."This is a paradoxical aspect of young people's psychology that often confounds adults. They have a strong need for adult contact, coexisting with the need to be separate, expressed as "Understand me, but leave me alone."
This suggests that teenagers want adult support but are unlikely to go out of their way to seek it out. On Long Island there has been steady progress in the human services community toward programs that are based on partnerships with parents, schools, government agencies and community-based organizations that bring adult support out of private offices to where the teenage action is.
A prime example is the Intensive Support Program, a school-based mental health partnership between Nassau BOCES' Department of Special Education and my agency, North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center. The program targets children and youth aged 5 to 21 with serious emotional disturbances, aiming to improve their social, emotional and academic development and prevent costly long-term placements in residential institutions by keeping them at home.
An effort intended to steer children away from violent activity and gang involvement by offering such services as conflict resolution, cultural activities and tutoring is occurring in the Westbury and Port Washington schools in the Helping Each Other Program for Latino youth. This collaboration with The Place Adolescent Services Center, which is also affiliated with the North Shore guidance center, matches trained high school mentors of Hispanic heritage with younger students.
The cutting edge of youth service work in the suburbs is to be where the kids are. Of course, there is a cost. But it's just a fraction of the cost to house troubled teenagers in a mental-health or juvenile justice institution.If legislators and government officials can get past the cost-cutting ploy of referring to such services as "discretionary," we will see much less youth violence, and certainly fewer murders, in the long run. These are essential human services that require a significant investment now, before it is too late.
Originally published in Newsday, July 2005.
"24-HOUR-A-DAY-GUARD-DUTY"
24-hour-a-day-guard-duty
by Andrew Malekoff© 2008
As winters in February go, this year’s was a mild one. Nevertheless, it was brutal month that brought the inexplicable murders of three young children in New Cassel and the execution-style killing of a teenage boy outside Don Juan’s restaurant in Westbury.
A legion of children and teens (and others) left in the wake of these deaths are the collateral damage that bloodshed brings. They include family, friends, and neighbors of the four young victims. Many of them now face the emptiness, frustration, fear and rage of incomprehensible death. They are at risk for suffering traumatic stress that impacts deeply on their lives, interfering with normal social growth and destroying their basic assumptions about the safety of the world. A single line of graffiti on a concrete wall, composed by a young trauma survivor, says it best: “I don’t like being a child, its 24-hour-a-day guard duty.”
What we know is that society expects parents to do everything—to counter the violent messages in the media, to teach children problem-solving skills, and then to keep them physically and emotionally safe. These are unrealistic expectations. Too many parents lack the information and wherewithal to accomplish this alone. Parents need our help.
At North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center we have a long history in the New Cassel community. Consequently, we were invited to meet with groups of parents, faculty and others in Park Avenue Elementary School, where one of the young victims attended. Being a community-based agency with deep roots in the neighborhood made all the difference. Meeting in groups is essential to rebuilding social connections that traumatic situations destroy.
A first step is to encourage parents and other caring adults to address their own feelings. This is necessary to free them to help their children to cope. Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk advises that, “successful coping in the aftermath of traumatic events must protect four vital functions: the ability to continue task-oriented activity, the ability to regulate emotion, the ability to sustain positive self value, and the capacity to maintain and enjoy rewarding interpersonal contacts.”
A second step is to identify and emphasize community strengths and resources that sustain hope and reduce shame and isolation. Restoring a sense of community is critical for transcending the emotional impact of deadly violence.
I feel confident that as the bright lights and unforgiving glare of the media fade, and then flicker on again with every new legal development and political promise, the good people of New Cassel will heal and will rise up as those before them have risen up.
The good people of New Cassel will heal, with a little help from their true friends, and will let the world know that although Jewell Ward, Michael Demesyeux, Innocent Demesyeux, and Edwin Yovani Mejia are gone, they will never be forgotten.
As for the rest of us, we are faced with the daunting challenge of ensuring that no child’s life will be what it is becoming for too many today - 24-hour-a-day guard duty.
This article was originally published in the Anton Community Newspapers, Long Island, NY in March 2008.
by Andrew Malekoff© 2008
As winters in February go, this year’s was a mild one. Nevertheless, it was brutal month that brought the inexplicable murders of three young children in New Cassel and the execution-style killing of a teenage boy outside Don Juan’s restaurant in Westbury.
A legion of children and teens (and others) left in the wake of these deaths are the collateral damage that bloodshed brings. They include family, friends, and neighbors of the four young victims. Many of them now face the emptiness, frustration, fear and rage of incomprehensible death. They are at risk for suffering traumatic stress that impacts deeply on their lives, interfering with normal social growth and destroying their basic assumptions about the safety of the world. A single line of graffiti on a concrete wall, composed by a young trauma survivor, says it best: “I don’t like being a child, its 24-hour-a-day guard duty.”
What we know is that society expects parents to do everything—to counter the violent messages in the media, to teach children problem-solving skills, and then to keep them physically and emotionally safe. These are unrealistic expectations. Too many parents lack the information and wherewithal to accomplish this alone. Parents need our help.
At North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center we have a long history in the New Cassel community. Consequently, we were invited to meet with groups of parents, faculty and others in Park Avenue Elementary School, where one of the young victims attended. Being a community-based agency with deep roots in the neighborhood made all the difference. Meeting in groups is essential to rebuilding social connections that traumatic situations destroy.
A first step is to encourage parents and other caring adults to address their own feelings. This is necessary to free them to help their children to cope. Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk advises that, “successful coping in the aftermath of traumatic events must protect four vital functions: the ability to continue task-oriented activity, the ability to regulate emotion, the ability to sustain positive self value, and the capacity to maintain and enjoy rewarding interpersonal contacts.”
A second step is to identify and emphasize community strengths and resources that sustain hope and reduce shame and isolation. Restoring a sense of community is critical for transcending the emotional impact of deadly violence.
I feel confident that as the bright lights and unforgiving glare of the media fade, and then flicker on again with every new legal development and political promise, the good people of New Cassel will heal and will rise up as those before them have risen up.
The good people of New Cassel will heal, with a little help from their true friends, and will let the world know that although Jewell Ward, Michael Demesyeux, Innocent Demesyeux, and Edwin Yovani Mejia are gone, they will never be forgotten.
As for the rest of us, we are faced with the daunting challenge of ensuring that no child’s life will be what it is becoming for too many today - 24-hour-a-day guard duty.
This article was originally published in the Anton Community Newspapers, Long Island, NY in March 2008.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
HATEFUL MESSAGES ADD TO SORROW
Hateful messages add to sorrow: Three children die – and some readers’ depraved responses to the tragedy create and evil all their own
BY ANDREW MALEKOFF
March 4, 2008
I made a disturbing discovery the Sunday afternoon of Feb. 24 when the murder of three innocent children, the youngest named Innocent, allegedly at the hands of their profoundly troubled mother, was first reported on Newsday's Web site. Few details were available at the time. The headline on the Web site read: "Sources: Mom Kills Three Kids in New Cassel." My stomach dropped. I couldn't recall a story quite like this since I moved to Long Island in the late 1970s.
When I scrolled to the end of the story, there was a place to click to "Read all 40 comments." This link, which appears in many online stories in Newsday and other newspapers, takes you to a "Forum," a place for the public to comment.
I clicked into the forum, and amid readers' expressions of shock, dismay, sadness and sympathy, I found a significant stream of depravity. The forum, for the most part, consists of anonymous writers who tag their reflections with a range of nicknames. Here is a sample, exactly as the notes appeared:
Typical wrote: "The savages at it again ... "
The Pusher wrote: "New Cassel should be nuked."
Shoot Me Twice wrote: "The kids didn't put on a convincing performance at the Department of Social Services for mommy to get more free goodies. Maybe Tom Suozzi (County Executive) can use them as extra help at his mansion on the North Shore.
"Senseless wrote: "Where O Where could my Daddy be? In jail most probably . . . planning to get out and commit the next robbery.
"Booker wrote: ". . . These are unstable people with weak genes, she did society a favor. Animals kill their young when they know they are too weak to make a go of it, why are we so different?"
Comments like these continued throughout the week. On Feb. 27 someone identifying himself as Bruce wrote of the murdered children: "three less drains on society. good riddance."
Sprinkled in were a number of counter-responses like this one by Disgusted, "I am sickened by this sad story and sickened again by all of these disgusting comments ... it's really pathetic that some of you have nothing to do but spew hatred."
Sometimes one response would specifically engage another. Right after the children's funerals, I found: Tookie (Huntington Station): "da lil nappi headed **** are in heaven now!"
To which SadSadness AOL responded: ". . . heartless cold person, 3 innocent children were killed regardless of race. If your not feeling sad over this your an evil person. those children did nothing wrong and def did not deserve that, May they Rest in peace respectfully."
It's one of the great benefits of the Internet to offer instant access to news, along with a chance for the audience to instantly share comments about it. But in this situation, even with certain incendiary remarks slapped right down, this seemed like a mixed blessing.
Newsday, like many media sites, has guidelines to try to keep the online conversation civil and constructive.
Yet, after reading messages on the murder of three small children, I am discovering feelings of sorrow that I did not think I would ever experience for the mother who is alleged to have carried out the horror of all horrors, killing her own. Strangely, and I am sure unforgivably to some, I find myself feeling more of a human connection to Leatrice Brewer than to Typical, The Pusher, Booker, Shoot Me Twice, Senseless and their gang.
Copyright © 2008, Newsday Inc.
BY ANDREW MALEKOFF
March 4, 2008
I made a disturbing discovery the Sunday afternoon of Feb. 24 when the murder of three innocent children, the youngest named Innocent, allegedly at the hands of their profoundly troubled mother, was first reported on Newsday's Web site. Few details were available at the time. The headline on the Web site read: "Sources: Mom Kills Three Kids in New Cassel." My stomach dropped. I couldn't recall a story quite like this since I moved to Long Island in the late 1970s.
When I scrolled to the end of the story, there was a place to click to "Read all 40 comments." This link, which appears in many online stories in Newsday and other newspapers, takes you to a "Forum," a place for the public to comment.
I clicked into the forum, and amid readers' expressions of shock, dismay, sadness and sympathy, I found a significant stream of depravity. The forum, for the most part, consists of anonymous writers who tag their reflections with a range of nicknames. Here is a sample, exactly as the notes appeared:
Typical wrote: "The savages at it again ... "
The Pusher wrote: "New Cassel should be nuked."
Shoot Me Twice wrote: "The kids didn't put on a convincing performance at the Department of Social Services for mommy to get more free goodies. Maybe Tom Suozzi (County Executive) can use them as extra help at his mansion on the North Shore.
"Senseless wrote: "Where O Where could my Daddy be? In jail most probably . . . planning to get out and commit the next robbery.
"Booker wrote: ". . . These are unstable people with weak genes, she did society a favor. Animals kill their young when they know they are too weak to make a go of it, why are we so different?"
Comments like these continued throughout the week. On Feb. 27 someone identifying himself as Bruce wrote of the murdered children: "three less drains on society. good riddance."
Sprinkled in were a number of counter-responses like this one by Disgusted, "I am sickened by this sad story and sickened again by all of these disgusting comments ... it's really pathetic that some of you have nothing to do but spew hatred."
Sometimes one response would specifically engage another. Right after the children's funerals, I found: Tookie (Huntington Station): "da lil nappi headed **** are in heaven now!"
To which SadSadness AOL responded: ". . . heartless cold person, 3 innocent children were killed regardless of race. If your not feeling sad over this your an evil person. those children did nothing wrong and def did not deserve that, May they Rest in peace respectfully."
It's one of the great benefits of the Internet to offer instant access to news, along with a chance for the audience to instantly share comments about it. But in this situation, even with certain incendiary remarks slapped right down, this seemed like a mixed blessing.
Newsday, like many media sites, has guidelines to try to keep the online conversation civil and constructive.
Yet, after reading messages on the murder of three small children, I am discovering feelings of sorrow that I did not think I would ever experience for the mother who is alleged to have carried out the horror of all horrors, killing her own. Strangely, and I am sure unforgivably to some, I find myself feeling more of a human connection to Leatrice Brewer than to Typical, The Pusher, Booker, Shoot Me Twice, Senseless and their gang.
Copyright © 2008, Newsday Inc.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
BREAKING THE SILENCE
BREAKING THE SILENCE
By Andy Malekoff© 2007
As a student athlete who played competitive contact sports, I learned at an early age not to grumble about aches and pains or even more serious injuries. I learned to “play hurt,” a price that I was willing to pay and that promised me the dual advantage of advancing my standing on the team and garnering the respect of my coaches and teammates. Consequently, I played with broken bones, severe sprains, bruised ribs, painful contusions known as “hip pointers” and concussions. All but the latter could be detected by the naked eye.
I never once told a coach that I was injured. It was their job to figure it out, to observe me in action and then decide whether or not I should be pulled off the field. Keeping quiet and playing hurt were learned behaviors and important values on the field of play – a badge of honor.
Once when watching game films, my high school football coach chewed me out after a kick off when I appeared to be dogging it. “Malekoff, What are you doing, picking daisies?,” he hollered to the delight of my teammates who convulsed in laughter as he played the film clip over and over again. What did not make it into the frame was the knee applied to my head during a full speed collision with an opponent just moments before my screen debut. Only I knew about the collision that left me seeing stars and staggering about trying to maintain my balance. The truth is that I was out cold on my feet. I stayed on the field, continued to play and never told a soul. This was a scene that was repeated over the years.
I recently learned from reading a compelling series of New York Times articles by Alan Schwartz, that concussions in sports have reached epidemic proportions. Schwartz referred to this as a silent epidemic and a public health issue, fueled by a gladiator culture.
According to Schwartz, “At least 50 high school or younger football players in more than 20 states since 1997 have been killed or have sustained serious head injuries on the field.” He goes on to say that the sad truth is that these could have been prevented through better awareness and respect for the severity of a head injury.
He found that girls are even more vulnerable to concussions than boys in the sports that both play, such as soccer and basketball. I doubt that early advocates of Title IX of the Educational Amendments Act of 1972, a federal law prohibiting sex discrimination in educational institutions, anticipated that as young women and girls exploded onto the sports scene, that they would one day adopt a men’s code of silence. Apparently some have.
What can we do as parents to help to break the silence? If this is a public health issue we must insist that all children and teenagers and their parents be educated early on about the risks, consequences, signs and symptoms of head injury. In addition, young people who are planning to play contact sports require values education that puts the gladiator-play-at-any-cost-culture up for inspection. Adults who care about kids need to offer alternative views and models for demonstrating courage and heart. We must provide a counterforce to the dangerous and false belief that putting one’s well being or life in jeopardy when playing a game is noble.
Competitive sports involves sacrifice, perseverance, loyalty, honor, and courage, all values that will serve one well throughout life. They have served me well. However, maintaining a code of silence about a serious injury that can lead to lifelong consequences is another thing altogether.
Keeping quiet about a head injury is not honorable or courageous. On the contrary, it is ignorant and it is a betrayal of one’s body and mind, and of one’s loved ones.
We must demand that those in power in youth, interscholastic and intercollegiate sports protect our children; and we must help our children, from an early age, to think critically and to develop the good sense and courage, without shame, to break the silence.
This article was originally published in the Anton Community Newspapers, Long Island, NY.
By Andy Malekoff© 2007
As a student athlete who played competitive contact sports, I learned at an early age not to grumble about aches and pains or even more serious injuries. I learned to “play hurt,” a price that I was willing to pay and that promised me the dual advantage of advancing my standing on the team and garnering the respect of my coaches and teammates. Consequently, I played with broken bones, severe sprains, bruised ribs, painful contusions known as “hip pointers” and concussions. All but the latter could be detected by the naked eye.
I never once told a coach that I was injured. It was their job to figure it out, to observe me in action and then decide whether or not I should be pulled off the field. Keeping quiet and playing hurt were learned behaviors and important values on the field of play – a badge of honor.
Once when watching game films, my high school football coach chewed me out after a kick off when I appeared to be dogging it. “Malekoff, What are you doing, picking daisies?,” he hollered to the delight of my teammates who convulsed in laughter as he played the film clip over and over again. What did not make it into the frame was the knee applied to my head during a full speed collision with an opponent just moments before my screen debut. Only I knew about the collision that left me seeing stars and staggering about trying to maintain my balance. The truth is that I was out cold on my feet. I stayed on the field, continued to play and never told a soul. This was a scene that was repeated over the years.
I recently learned from reading a compelling series of New York Times articles by Alan Schwartz, that concussions in sports have reached epidemic proportions. Schwartz referred to this as a silent epidemic and a public health issue, fueled by a gladiator culture.
According to Schwartz, “At least 50 high school or younger football players in more than 20 states since 1997 have been killed or have sustained serious head injuries on the field.” He goes on to say that the sad truth is that these could have been prevented through better awareness and respect for the severity of a head injury.
He found that girls are even more vulnerable to concussions than boys in the sports that both play, such as soccer and basketball. I doubt that early advocates of Title IX of the Educational Amendments Act of 1972, a federal law prohibiting sex discrimination in educational institutions, anticipated that as young women and girls exploded onto the sports scene, that they would one day adopt a men’s code of silence. Apparently some have.
What can we do as parents to help to break the silence? If this is a public health issue we must insist that all children and teenagers and their parents be educated early on about the risks, consequences, signs and symptoms of head injury. In addition, young people who are planning to play contact sports require values education that puts the gladiator-play-at-any-cost-culture up for inspection. Adults who care about kids need to offer alternative views and models for demonstrating courage and heart. We must provide a counterforce to the dangerous and false belief that putting one’s well being or life in jeopardy when playing a game is noble.
Competitive sports involves sacrifice, perseverance, loyalty, honor, and courage, all values that will serve one well throughout life. They have served me well. However, maintaining a code of silence about a serious injury that can lead to lifelong consequences is another thing altogether.
Keeping quiet about a head injury is not honorable or courageous. On the contrary, it is ignorant and it is a betrayal of one’s body and mind, and of one’s loved ones.
We must demand that those in power in youth, interscholastic and intercollegiate sports protect our children; and we must help our children, from an early age, to think critically and to develop the good sense and courage, without shame, to break the silence.
This article was originally published in the Anton Community Newspapers, Long Island, NY.
WHEN GOVERNMENT LIES, DEMOCRACY DIES
Weitzman blasted by Guidance Center
By Andy Malekoff and Jo-Ellen Hazan
First published in the Long Island Business News: Friday, December 28, 2007
For more than 50 years, the North Shore Family and Child Guidance Center has served children with serious emotional and social problems and their families.
Putting modesty aside just briefly, we do a spectacular job, often on a shoestring budget, and almost always under difficult circumstances. That is what we do.
Now, we find ourselves the victim of Nassau County Comptroller Howard Weitzman’s thinly veiled campaign to inflate his reputation, with no regard for the truth or for the people he might harm.
Here are the facts:
Four years ago, two employees in our accounting department conspired to steal $70,000 from us. Within weeks, we discovered the theft and called in the police. The employees were led out in handcuffs. They were convicted and punished. And every penny was returned. This is an unfortunate reality of doing business today, and it happens in the best of organizations – like ours.
More than two years later, in an audit by Nassau County, this incident was noted. By then, this was a non-issue, because we had resolved it ourselves, along with other concerns issued in the report. Yet Comptroller Howard Weitzman seized upon it and issued a press release, claiming credit for uncovering fraud, theft and lack of oversight at our agency. In fact, he did not uncover a thing.
The release was painstakingly worded to extract every bit of drama and to earn every nugget of credit for Mr. Weitzman, where he was entitled to none. He held a press conference to trumpet his accomplishments. He compared us to the Roslyn School District. And he issued a “blast” e-mail of the press release to his friends, donors and supporters, obviously to demonstrate that he was right on the case.
We had provided Mr. Weitzman with all of the ingredients for a juicy story – money, kids and theft. And he told the story – and a story is all it was – very well. To compare us to Roslyn is just pandering.
Mr. Weitzman may have done great damage to our organization and, ultimately, to the children and families we have been serving and advocating for every day for more than 50 years.
Unlike Mr. Weitzman, we don’t have a good publicity machine. For the most part, the people who know us are our donors and the people we help. Unlike Mr. Weitzman, we do not blare our accomplishments and we do not exaggerate them. And, also unlike Mr. Weitzman, we would not try to inflate our own image by harming others. Especially kids.
Shame on you, Howard Weitzman.
Andrew Malekoff, executive director; Jo-Ellen Hazan, president, North Shore Family & Guidance Center
By Andy Malekoff and Jo-Ellen Hazan
First published in the Long Island Business News: Friday, December 28, 2007
For more than 50 years, the North Shore Family and Child Guidance Center has served children with serious emotional and social problems and their families.
Putting modesty aside just briefly, we do a spectacular job, often on a shoestring budget, and almost always under difficult circumstances. That is what we do.
Now, we find ourselves the victim of Nassau County Comptroller Howard Weitzman’s thinly veiled campaign to inflate his reputation, with no regard for the truth or for the people he might harm.
Here are the facts:
Four years ago, two employees in our accounting department conspired to steal $70,000 from us. Within weeks, we discovered the theft and called in the police. The employees were led out in handcuffs. They were convicted and punished. And every penny was returned. This is an unfortunate reality of doing business today, and it happens in the best of organizations – like ours.
More than two years later, in an audit by Nassau County, this incident was noted. By then, this was a non-issue, because we had resolved it ourselves, along with other concerns issued in the report. Yet Comptroller Howard Weitzman seized upon it and issued a press release, claiming credit for uncovering fraud, theft and lack of oversight at our agency. In fact, he did not uncover a thing.
The release was painstakingly worded to extract every bit of drama and to earn every nugget of credit for Mr. Weitzman, where he was entitled to none. He held a press conference to trumpet his accomplishments. He compared us to the Roslyn School District. And he issued a “blast” e-mail of the press release to his friends, donors and supporters, obviously to demonstrate that he was right on the case.
We had provided Mr. Weitzman with all of the ingredients for a juicy story – money, kids and theft. And he told the story – and a story is all it was – very well. To compare us to Roslyn is just pandering.
Mr. Weitzman may have done great damage to our organization and, ultimately, to the children and families we have been serving and advocating for every day for more than 50 years.
Unlike Mr. Weitzman, we don’t have a good publicity machine. For the most part, the people who know us are our donors and the people we help. Unlike Mr. Weitzman, we do not blare our accomplishments and we do not exaggerate them. And, also unlike Mr. Weitzman, we would not try to inflate our own image by harming others. Especially kids.
Shame on you, Howard Weitzman.
Andrew Malekoff, executive director; Jo-Ellen Hazan, president, North Shore Family & Guidance Center
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